Why a Choice Mom?

I have loved the same man since I was 15. When we dated as teenagers, it was a very intense time. We clicked on level I haven't experienced since. And because he was placing pressure on me to have sex, something I was not ready for, I balked. We broke up and went our merry ways.

But I still loved him. Oh sure, I dated other guys. I even loved one, but I loved him like one loves a friend, even though we were dating. However, when the "one" looked me up when I was 19, he was still in my heart. We dated again. But we were both too young and the circumstances had changed. He moved to another state in the midst and being young folks we just couldn't seem to get it together enough to make the long distance relationship work. Plus, he was not motivated to continue. We broke up.

Enter my 25th year. He showed up at my door this time. There it was again, the pulling. Well, this time, we did have it together. He lived in PA, I lived in CT, and we made the long distance work. When I decided to leave my job and go back to graduate school to become a teacher, he was there urging me to make the move. (I chose the school 10 minutes from his house so I'm not sure if he wanted me to be a teacher or if he wanted his ladylove close by for some regular sex. I doubt he even knows.) We had some good times and some bad times ... the bad times were me wanting a commitment beyond dating. I was ready. I loved this man with all my heart but he just wouldn't go further. Much as I wanted him to declare his love in a more tangible manner, or even become romantic to show he cared but was working through his issues, he simply could not do it. We were solid for close to two years but got choppy (off an on) in the 3rd. I wanted commitment, he couldn't manage it. Yes, we were monogamous, but he was perfectly happy to lead his life independent of me. When I graduated, he didn't seem to want me around. There I was with no money, no job, no home (I lived in graduate student housing and you graduate, goodbye), so I moved home to my folks. Since my folks now lived in NC, it meant a very long distance to see him. I tried for a few times, but it was heart-wrenching. He didn't like to talk on the phone, he didn't like to drive to see me (even half way) and he decided to end it.

Enter the 4th time. I had been in a relationship with another man when he cheated on me, lied to me, etc., so it ended. I was a little bitter (especially since the man proclaimed to be a Christian and went to church religiously). So I decided "Why not?" I emailed the "one" and we corresponded a bit. He was moving to another state (FL) and would be passing through NC, would I like to have dinner? Sure. We went out to dinner, and you guessed it, clicked. Yet again. He said this time "I am ready for marriage and kids". He also said many other things about the previous times we'd dated, which is how I know now he wasn't ready for marriage and kids back then. Long story short, we dated. We had fun. I helped him find a house, move in, etc. Of course, when I wanted commitment, there was none to be found. When I wanted to talk future (as in, do I finish my doctorate here or do I transfer to Florida now?) he couldn't do it. I was 35, he was 36. He liked his jet setter life and I think he just wanted to try out the different ports of call, so to speak. I was in the process of a doctoral degree, working full time as a teacher, and had to carve out time for him -- he wanted me free when he was home to play and I couldn't manage it. Well, he dumped me. It was hard on me, very hard. It took me a lot of time to stop praying for hurricanes to hit Tampa (sorry, Tampa, for all those hurricanes that year). So I immersed myself in the doctoral program and just tried to make myself happy again.

I think I'm there. He doesn't stand a chance in my life since he was so cruel at the end. It was a side to him I'd seen with others, but never to me, and I do not allow myself to be treated that way. So he's gone. I've tried the internet dating thing, but goodness, there are some real winners out there. Then I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy that held promise (same want for a family, got along great) but there was no chemistry ... and I really don't know what he did for a living. :) He just never seemed to work, but I know he paid his bills. It was all kind of vague and I appreciate more tangible understanding. I ended it. It seemed kind of fruitless if I couldn't be attracted to him. So, as this long story draws to a close, I haven't really met a man yet who charges and excites me like the man I started dating at 15 did.

Then last year I went to lunch with a lesbian friend of mine. Since I was curious, and no topic is taboo to me (a trait friends get used to but still surprises them), I asked how she and her partner went about the process of getting their kids. She told the story of ADI, anonymous donor insemination. At the end were her fatal words, "You know, you could do it too. You don't have to be a lesbian." Thank you, Christina, for hitting the dumb cluck over the head with a tree trunk. Holy cow! I could be a mom!

So this occurred and then I was watching one of those Good Morning shows where they were talking about women's fertility dropping massively after 35. That was the spark that lit the fire. I was 38 at the time, entering my final year of the doctoral program, getting ready to do the dissertation. What better idea than to perk a kid for 9 months while I write the tome?

So I got started. I told my Mom, she freaked, but within a week was completely behind it. I told my Dad, and he was so sweet he made me cry. I told my big brother. He and his wife agreed to be my child's guardian should something happen to me. I told my little brother and he and his wife are tickled. I told friends, they are so behind me. And my mom told "The Family" (her siblings who all told their kids, my cousins) ... not a doubting word to my face, and just support and good wishes.

Yes, it is not ideal to be having a child solo. However, I want children. Waiting for Mr. Right to arrive is not going to get me the family I want since by the time he shows, I will have no fertility left. Yes, adoption is a possibility and something I have always wanted anyways. But with the pricetag so outrageous and China now closed to single women (I have a thing for Chinese adoption), it is just far more reasonable to perk my own. You see, I am a bit anal. I want a child whom I KNOW has not been exposed to drugs and alcohol and other ill effects while in the womb. I want the best for my child. Who better to be able to control that than me, the most anal individual one can find? So as I ruled out adoption (for now) and ruled in "well, let's just see if it's possible?" my decision was made.

I am now TTC. It is an emotionally- and pocketbook-draining process but I have high hopes. We'll see. I'll take all the prayers heavenward I can get ...