The miscarriage has begun. It is painful, filled with clots, and will last for about 5 days, per the nurse. I spoke with her asking yesterday about "what's next" and shared that this is at least chemical pregnancy #2, do we do testing, and she is to get back to me "later" -- no telling on the definition of "later." I want to speak with the doc -- who knows?
I have also decided to see a counselor about my distrust of doctors ... I'm afraid my distrust is well-earned (multiple doctors and specialists missed a disease for 8 years) and it is infecting this relationship with the RE. I also need help coping with the stresses involved in pursuing TTC and in dealing with my single status (questions about why God hates me abound). So, that is next for the list.
Last night was especially hard. I was dealing with the whole miscarriage thing and my mother made some comments, so I ended up crying at her house for about 3 hours, all hormonal and such, but did manage to convey to her quite well that being a Choice Mom is not my first choice, that doing this is hard on me emotionally, that I miss not being a part of a couple, that I would adore being married, that having children is something I have wanted forever, etc. I'm crying now as I write this. Well, I think she saw. I think she understood why I ripped into her telling me my miscarriage wasn't as bad as my cousin's, because I don't think she thought about the fact that I am doing this solo ... I don't want her to compare my married cousin's miscarriage (with 2 children already when she had to deliver a dead 15 wk. old) to me. It's apples and cars. Two different types of situations, for which there were 2 scenarios, etc. In other words, don't belittle my pain. So, all that said, I think she understands now just how hard all of this is for me.
So, I think I should go. Still hanging on ... I hope all this gets easier.
About Me
- Leaping Hurdles
- Mommy to a 27w6d preemie, rounded up to a 28 weeker. Doing good but does have Failure to Thrive and developmental delays.
1 comment:
1. God doesn't hate you. I'm not going to launch into some cliched rant about "He has a different path for you" or "You must be tough, because God only gives you what you can handle." People have said that to me and I've nearly smacked them. The universe is a big place, and it's hard for us to know our place in it sometimes because we're a small (but important) part.
2. You don't have "only" or "just" your friends, family, career and cats. You have so much more than most of the people in the world! And I'm not just talking about starving children in Africa, you have more than many married people with children. There is a woman who lives next door to me who is probably about 22 or 23. No college, no job prospects, second husband, one kid from the first, two from the second, another on the way. She is one of the unhappiest people I know, screaming at everyone, blaming the world for her problems. You, on the other hand, have a great life and the ability to create opportunities for yourself. I don't know if you'll find the right man, but you can certainly have or adopt a child and share all the love! My neighbor couldn't do that if her life depended on it. Enough, I'm getting long-winded.
3. Talking to a professional about your miscarriage is a great idea. It helped me through mine (at 8 1/2 or 9 weeks) last summer. It's a hard loss. I feel for you.
Susanna
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