Busy ...

I am all too busy these days. In addition to teaching a class in summer school three nights a week, I am readying my house for moving, packing, and getting ready for a cruise. I received a cruise to Alaska for 2 weeks from my folks for my graduation present ... oh, yeah, and I must be the babysitter for my nephew while on the cruise. It shouldn't be bad. My defense is this Friday and I am kind of trembling in my shoes, not really sure what I should be doing to prepare. Here's hoping ... whatever occurs, I leave for the cruise on Monday.

I have my first ultrasound on follicle growth Saturday and will hopefully get the all clear to do the Ovidrel shot that night, for insemination Monday. Then, as I fly to Alaska and relax, let's let the magic and beauty of stress-free to help the process along, shall we?

No one can fathom some of the stress I have been under some of my months. This has not been a good time to be TTCing since everything is in flux. When I have gotten pregnant, it's always with mixed feelings, since the timing is not great but I am wanting the pregnancy, which makes the loss each time hard, kind of my way of blaming myself for not wanting it enough. However, cognitively I know that my own inner turmoil is not causing the miscarriages. Cognition and feelings are separate though. So, this time, I'll try not to feel one way or another.

I am getting better at it. Last month, I was angry at the doctor's office for not returning my call. I didn't even grieve the loss since I knew it was headed out the door anyway. On the other side, pessimism has reared its ugly head. Let's face it, I kill embryos really well. People tell me not to say kill. Well, what do you have when you have an embryo implant, start kicking out HCG like mad, then fizzle? Was it always the embryo's fault or could it have been me killing the poor little guys? At my age, advanced yes, but still fertile or so they say, it's just most likely I'm killing them. (Let me have the tests!!)

Well, I should get clicking. I have a long list of "To Do's" today. Have a great one!