The things you think about

You would be surprised the things you think about as you plan to have a child as a single woman. First, last night when my folks and I were talking about me buying a house in my new community, I said I wanted a small yard. My mom countered with "Well, large enough for a garden, and then some more." No, I really want a postage-stamp size yard, since with a child, I will have no time to tend a garden. I'm thinking room for a play set (i.e., wooden structure with swings, rope ladder, etc.), a sandbox, patio or deck for a patio set and grill, 2 raised vegetable beds, a small section for perennials like 4 rose bushes, bearded irises, a hydrangea bush, some coreopsis and purple coneflower. Maybe a couple daisies and some daylilies. That's it. I'll want a fenced-in yard so my child and cats can be dog free (or we can get our own dog and he/she be dog-free). I'd like as little grass as possible. Here I have 4 or 5 gardens, a lot of grass, many bushes, just a lot of outside work. I just cleaned my gutters for the 2nd time this spring. A house that required much less care would be great. Next, I need at least 4 bedrooms or 3 bedrooms and a basement. I need a garage. I'd like a 2 story house with a sunroom, so my child can play in the sunshine during the long winter. I'd like a lousy kitchen, since I would want to redo a kitchen when this house sells. For instance, I get the extra-long cabinets. Less space is wasted when you do that. What is the likelihood I will find a kitchen as I want it? Therefore, a kitchen that needs to be redone is perfect ... then I can get the cabinet space I require with the cabinets I want, and design it the way I want it ... We also need to be realistic about me. I am a pack-rat. Right now, my little 2 bedroom house is packed solid. I have a room downstairs dedicated to my children's books (my profession, remember?), another room for my exercise equipment (if I can ever gain weight, I can use it all again), a bedroom up here as my office, and the other rooms are lived in. So, more bedrooms (even if they are small) would be delicious. I'd like 2 bathrooms, or at least a bath and a half. We'll see ... that is a want, not a need.

As long as I'm talking needs, I've been thinking about transportation. I have a 2 door Mini and a 2 door Acura, neither of which is agreeable to baby seats and the way you have to move to get the kid into a rear-facing seat. So I will need to change one of the vehicles at some point. I've been lusting after the Mini Clubman, have fallen for the Ford Escape Hybrid, and am entranced by the Scion XD and a Dodge (the name escapes me) hatchback. I'm basically looking for a good MPG hatchback vehicle that can fit up to three people (or baby seats) in the back. After all, if I am trying for 2 pregnancies, and I am taking fertility drugs, twins are a possibility on the 2nd (as well as the first) so having room for 3 car seats at one time is a better financial decision. I also want room for children's friends, so ... We'll see on the car issue. I am looking forward to car changes in the next model year, since the gas crisis is so glaring. Perhaps more hybrids will come out or maybe they'll tweak some of these engines a bit more? If the Clubman did not require premium, I would be all over it. I wonder if any of these could tow a utility trailer? I'm sure the Escape could ... I wonder about the Clubman?

Another concern as I plan has been stockings. I know, trivial concern, but my Christmas stocking all my life has been an angel. My mom decided long ago that each family gets stockings of the same theme as the spouse or parent. Thus, one brother's entire family has Santa stockings and another brother's family all have snowman stocking. So my family will be angels. If you haven't been out angel stocking shopping (I'm sure it has been on everyone's mind), I can assure you there are few angel stockings and almost none which are boys. Yes, there are boy angels. Anyone ever heard of Michael? So, I need gender-neutral angel stockings and have purchased 2 good needlepoint stockings ... they will be perfect for children. So, that's another plan I've acted on (still have to sew them, but I do have plenty of time).

So, like I said, it is amazing the thoughts one thinks as one TTCs. It's like potential parenthood changes your entire outlook on life. I'm actually glad for it. I lived so long just living, I never really thought much about the future. Now that I am TTCing, everything seems to matter. Good. I'm ready. Maybe things'll happen soon?

Trigger shots and early ovulation

I went in today for my ultrasound and the nurse found small follicles, an 18, a 15, and some others. Since I am due to get on a boat for Alaska on Tuesday, she is obliging me with triggering tonight at midnight for an IUI Monday at noon. I'm pretty sure they wanted the follicles to grow more (perhaps by a couple of extra days) but I want the insemination to occur before the cruise. They keep saying that less stress will be better for TTC chances ... well, you can't get any less stress than me on a vacation for 2 weeks. So ... IUI on Monday. Boat on Tuesday. Nice!

I also went out today and bought some shorts, not for Alaska. Even though I am back down to 104, I am bloated beyond belief each week and my shorts don't really fit. It was around December that I ordered all sorts of used Levi jeans off Ebay, so I'm thinking I've been bloated all along. I also remember buying 2 pairs of low-waited dress slacks in the winter since my suits trousers were pinching my waist. Methinks it's the hormones. Whatever the reason, I find I REALLY don't like anything to pull at my waist. So I am now poorer by $75 but richer by 5 pairs of shorts I can wear whatever hormone or shot I have taken lately ... such a wonderful concept to not have to try on clothes to see how tight they'll be that day!

Well, seeing as how I have two and a half hours until the shot, I should get some chores done. After all, I have a cruise to go on and have not yet packed. Hmmm....

I am now an official Ph.D.

I passed my dissertation defense yesterday. Phew. A very long road, a very long dissertation, and a very broke me. It will be good to finally start earning a real income again.

Busy ...

I am all too busy these days. In addition to teaching a class in summer school three nights a week, I am readying my house for moving, packing, and getting ready for a cruise. I received a cruise to Alaska for 2 weeks from my folks for my graduation present ... oh, yeah, and I must be the babysitter for my nephew while on the cruise. It shouldn't be bad. My defense is this Friday and I am kind of trembling in my shoes, not really sure what I should be doing to prepare. Here's hoping ... whatever occurs, I leave for the cruise on Monday.

I have my first ultrasound on follicle growth Saturday and will hopefully get the all clear to do the Ovidrel shot that night, for insemination Monday. Then, as I fly to Alaska and relax, let's let the magic and beauty of stress-free to help the process along, shall we?

No one can fathom some of the stress I have been under some of my months. This has not been a good time to be TTCing since everything is in flux. When I have gotten pregnant, it's always with mixed feelings, since the timing is not great but I am wanting the pregnancy, which makes the loss each time hard, kind of my way of blaming myself for not wanting it enough. However, cognitively I know that my own inner turmoil is not causing the miscarriages. Cognition and feelings are separate though. So, this time, I'll try not to feel one way or another.

I am getting better at it. Last month, I was angry at the doctor's office for not returning my call. I didn't even grieve the loss since I knew it was headed out the door anyway. On the other side, pessimism has reared its ugly head. Let's face it, I kill embryos really well. People tell me not to say kill. Well, what do you have when you have an embryo implant, start kicking out HCG like mad, then fizzle? Was it always the embryo's fault or could it have been me killing the poor little guys? At my age, advanced yes, but still fertile or so they say, it's just most likely I'm killing them. (Let me have the tests!!)

Well, I should get clicking. I have a long list of "To Do's" today. Have a great one!

And the Other Shoe Fell

What can I say? I can make fertilization happen but my little embryos just can't stick the landing. This month I am trying the 5/5 Femara protocol on CD 2 and 3. Let's ee if this changes things up a little. It is, of course, without doctor permission. :) I found it on the SOFT Infertility website. Maybe we'll get more follicles? You never know ...