Worried Yet Again

Only 2 days to go until I get another ultrasound and my bloodwork. I have not had the morning sickness others complain about -- my few incidences with nausea are gone. I have had no cramping, no spotting or bleeding, nothing else to give me any thoughts about it conclusively, but I think it has ceased to grow. I really should have insisted on an ultrasound yesterday so I wouldn't spend the weekend obsessing over this ... but the didn't want me to have one anyways since all looked so good, so I guess this is the next best thing.

Grrr ..... I have the patience and temper of a 3 year old with a toy just out of reach.

On the other side, I think I've made some decisions about what to say to the OB. This is graphic. When I was 12 and had my finger set after being smashed to bits, they tried the Novocaine in the finger 6 times. After the 6th shot (and the doctor wanted to go home), my pinky was still feeling simple touches. He said, "This is going to hurt" and manually reformed my finger, moving it back into position (it was hanging off to the side of my hand) and then proceeded to wrap and splint it. I screamed like a banshee. It HURT! My mother, of course, held onto my hand the whole time and my brothers stood with their mouths gaped open. Afterwards, the doctor explained that some people just don't process the meds the right way and when it became obvious this local anaesthetic was not going to take, he had to do it with no warning, no time for me to anticipate the pain. It simply had to be done. Well, I got over it (with large doses of Tylenol). Another time when I went in for a tooth filling, they had to inject 4 Novocaine shots to deaden a tooth. It almost worked ... I still had some feeling but the pain was deadened.

Now we get to the narcotic sensitivity. The dextro- drug found in cough medicine lays me out. I take 2 teaspoons (the amount indicated for children 12-16 years old) and I am catatonic for hours. I've taken cough meds for toddlers - still wacky. The last time I took cough medicine, I used the baby formula (probably now off the market) and the infant size dose, and I was drunk as a skunk a day later. I was also prescribed Ativan in college by a doctor (he thought I was stressed) and I was a crumpled mass of body, unable to move legs or arms, crying in the hall, no bodily control. And that wasn't even the whole pill. I'd split it into 1/4. Another time the doctor prescribed Vicodin for back pain, when I was having a bad reaction to a cholesterol-lowering drug. I know I came up for air occasionally, but I basically spent a week sleeping face first on my couch.

Now let me tell you about Benadryl. I have an anaphylactic reaction to lemon. When we were first investigating why I was having these allergy attacks (we did not know I was allergic to lemon at this point), I was told to take 2 Benadryl when my lips started to swell. Exactly 20 minutes later, I was a catatonic mass. We didn't clue in on it right away, so there I would be sitting and my mom would ask me a question and I would answer, albeit in my mind and not out loud. My body just did not work. So my little brother would have to pick me up from my chair and take me to the sofa and lay me out. Four hours later, I would be back, but no sooner. So we eventually learned that 1 Benadryl equals 2 hours' sleep. We also learned that although the directions for Benadryl say you may experience drowsiness, they really didn't know the extent to which my body reacted ... so 1 was usually best. I still only take 1 Benadryl when I am having a reaction, due in part to the fact that I live alone and need enough consciousness to get to an ER if the attack turns worse than it started.

OK, so here we have a body that does not respond well or predictably to different medications. I am super-sensitive when it comes to narcotics and anti-histamines and not as sensitive when it comes to the -caine family. I don't know what this means but I do know I prefer we work with the known and given. For instance, during the egg retrieval, they only used 2 of their regular 4 drugs on me and the 2 they used worked to a hyper degree than they anticipated. Can we find out what those drugs were and how much was used and how quickly I went under? In other words, let's not use the regular known childbirth drug protocol, let's adjust it for the lightweight I am. I wonder if that is possible? Well, it certainly is going to be something I plan to discuss with her.

Of course, all this rides on the embryo continuing to be alive ... so I think I will bid adieu and go worry over some food. Food is balm for the soul, right? :)

Heartbeat Seen

Well, another milestone has been struck. On 5w6d, I got an ultrasound which revealed that not only was the embryo still alive, there was a very strong heartbeat of 143 bpm (week 6 it's supposed to be in the 90s). Yay! The embryo measures at 4 mm. It measures at 6w1d, which is 2 days ahead.

It's like all along, this little embryo has been determined to outperform the standards. First, high HCG, quadrupling when it was supposed to double, outrageous progesterone, and now above standard growth and strong heartbeat.

The OHSS is a bit better. The ovaries are shrinking and more fluid is in my pelvic cavity (hence the pain I was feeling, due to the cavity becoming inflamed from that fluid). It's still just a waiting game ...

After the ultrasound, I spoke with the nurse practitioner - she is connected to the infertility doctor, not the OB/gyn section. She was trying to release me to an OB. I was like, wait! I'm still in miscarriage territory.

She didn't say it outright, but she made me think these thoughts with everything else she did say - I have been so worried about miscarriage, it's almost like I've been expecting it. I had not realized cognitively or emotionally that we were working with probable birth. I am now at 90%+ likelihood of a child, so it is time to pick an OB. I have to pick an OB because that's who will be in charge of me - because I am no longer infertile. Shoot, talk about having to reframe your expectations and operating methods!

I sat down and tried to come up with criteria and thoughts .... something I had not yet done because I wasn't thinking I'd need one until 13 weeks. So I now have thoughts - I need an OB who:

• is laid back yet does all the required tests, etc. Basically, if something is worrying her, she dances around it and lets me know WHEN it is important, no prior to. I am a compulsive worrier so it is better to make light of things until I need to worry.
• acknowledges I am an intelligent woman yet can handle my ignorance well. Not having had children before nor taken much interest in the process, I am kind of clueless to this whole thing.
• has some sort of nurse-line or something so that when something is bothering me at 2 in the morning, I can call and ask questions.
• understands I want to walk the line between me having little natural pain tolerance and not wanting narcotics at the birth. I have a sensitivity to narcotics and narcotic-like medications and am basically a lighter-weight lightweight than a baby when it comes to the substances. Cough medicine makes me catatonic ... and true narcotics are killer. For goodness sake, 1 benadryl puts me under!
• I really don't care who is between my legs when I give birth. I figure I will be panting, screeching, moaning, etc., so much that whomever is down there will be immaterial. So the person who actually delivers me is moot. Instead, give me someone good in the meantime, before it is time for business. Establish enough trust with me by holding my hand through these months and I will behave for the birth. Maybe. :)

So, those are my qualifications. I made an appointment with the most laid-back OB they have. So far, I am not high-risk.

So -- a revised understanding of my predicament, a facing of the truth. All in the course of an hour -- what a novel turn of events. I went from miscarriage-oriented to "I'm going to have a child." Wow ---

All seems to be well ...

I'm still on the miscarriage watch (wouldn't you be too, with my history?) but all seems to be well. Just hoping, oddly enough, that morning sickness hits, just to know it is still viable. Sick, I realize. But ever watchful and expecting the worst ...

5w2d, not bad, and the longest I have ever been pregnant before ...

Ultrasound on Thursday, 4 whole days away. The OHSS is still kicking. Swollen. Passing pain. We'll see. :) Hope everyone has a lovely day!

Happy 5 weeks!

Well, I have my 5 week ultrasound, check-in with the doc, and bloodwork. While the OHSS is not improving (my right ovary got even larger) all of my blood work and electrolyte balances look good. And apparently the gall bladder isn't too irritated from all this.

And then we get to my lovely little embryo. First, it measures 5w1d, a fast starter. And it has a yolk sac ... superb! I have an appointment to check for the heartbeat next Thursday. Maybe, maybe .. once that shows, less than 10% chance for miscarriage, so knocking on wood!

But the doc is unusually confident (his words) about my embryo. He said that embryo is kicking out so much hormone we all thought there was more than one in there, that he has no worries. It's robust, healthy, growing faster than its age ... it's a good embryo. What a feel good concept!

I sent my folks a Valentine's Day card from "Baby X", written in Baby X's voice. I included the ultrasound picture and said all the doctor had said, particularly about the early growth and hormone imbalance ... I think my parents will be tickled and are going to show that picture around. I'm actually planning on sending copies of the ultrsounds to my folks and brothers on a routine basis, maybe not every ultrsound but enough so that they all get excited about this .... it should be fun!

Well, until Thursday, it has been a wonderful week!

OHSS Day 2

No news, just wanted to share that being fat with fluid is no fun. My innards jiggle when I walk! But I did weigh myself ... 114. Not bad. Since I had to go out to Walmart to get a scale, I have no idea what I weighed prior to OHSS, so ...

I wonder if I can take the scale off of my taxes as a medically-required piece of equipment? LOL!

Will I Never Learn?

Well, folks, it's Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome! WHEE!

Nothing like a blanket scary statement to bring out the fear in all the folks also undergoing ovulation induction, huh? I called the fertility clinic yesterday to ask about the pain in my stomach. She told me to go to my GP. Good thing I did not! He would have palpated my stomach area and could have popped an ovary.

When I was large again today, I called and got someone else. I asked what my progesterone level was because I am bloated and thought they might be related. Well, hell, it's probably hyperstimulation. I immediately booked an emergency ultrasound for 30 minutes from then and got the confirmation of OHSS at the local doc's office who handles my monitoring. This doc is a bit angry that they (the clinic) allowed things to get this bad.

I have fluid in my ovaries and pelvic cavity. It's a mild to moderate case. But here's the rub - when you have OHSS and are pregnant, the HCG makes it continue or get worse. FUN! And when you consider my HCG is quadrupling every 3 days, well, it's not good. I now will be followed by this doc, and he sounds like he's had plenty of experience with it. I am to take it easy (I'd planned on working out tonight, so thank goodness we found out what it was) and drink fluids, weigh myself daily and make sure I urinate a lot. He'll do another ultrasound on Friday and check my bloods ...

They saw one embryonic sac on the ultrasound. :) Not two. Two babies would make the OHSS last longer. As it is, with one baby, it'll last a month. Of course, since the HCG is doubling and it is still early yet, the doc is thinking it may yet be twins ... hence the ultrasound on Friday.

The doc is also worried about my stomach pain, thinking perhaps the progesterone is inflaming my gallbladder, so I think that may be examined on Friday too. Ah, yeah, and my nausea? It COULD be early morning sickness, but then it is more likely OHSS. By the time I get over OHSS nausea, the real stuff will have arrived. Ah, what a lovely concept!

Don't I do such a good job of screwing things up? It's my life ... I just can't help it.

I did go out tonight and buy some pants. A lady told me I looked 6 months pregnant. Ha! But now I have about 5 pair of size 6P (I'm normally a 4P) pants, so instead of needing to go into maternity as I begin to show, I can wear these again, once the OHSS is gone. And they'll be great for after baby ... and of course, any other time I may have OHSS!

This is a risky time ... I'm just hoping and praying all goes well. I am so talented ...

3rd beta

OK, recap:
1st 2/3 Beta 42
2nd 2/6 Beta 204
3rd 2/9 Beta 828

Yes, progressing nicely. We get our first glimpse on the inside on Friday.

Morning sickness is here, full-fledged. I am also bloated beyond belief and hope that calms down ... it's not from gas, so I'm thinking perhaps it is all that progesterone my body is making.

I don't have progesterone numbers yet ... not too worried about them actually. I have decided I'm having twins due to the quadrupling every 3 days. I know, you can't put anything into the HCG numbers. But when you combine the HCG numbers with the progesterone, I think it's twins. Oh happy day.

Beta #2

Just for Pepper :)

Yes, Beta #2 is in. 204. Progesterone is again sky-high (but now even higher) at 326, if I recall my numbers correctly, and TSH got worse at 8.15. Yikes, what an exciting time! More news once the dertility clinic contacts me with their desires (i.e., let's stick a wand in there and get an idea what we are talking about). Nervous, getting excited, slightly fearful.

You would think with all that progesterone in my body I would be feeling some symptoms. None, nadah, huh uh. Not wishing on it, but just wondering when it's going to hit me. :)

Beta news

Well, as I sit here waiting for the phone to ring with beta #2 information, I think I should let you know that the nurse called me back the day after beta #1. The progesterone and TSH had both spiked. Progesterone was at 210 and the center likes it to be above 20. (WTF!!!!) Further, my TSH which was at 3.6 in December (and I upped my levothyroxine dosage then, trying to get to 1.0) was 8. Not good. So the nurse called in an increase on the thyroid hormone.

As far as the progesterone, she was very guarded. Silly woman -- doesn't she realize I need information? I have done my internet research, and it could be one of three things. Drumroll, please!

• I'm just a freak who makes progesterone naturally in abnormally high doses;
• I have a molar pregnancy, which means no growing embryo, or false pregnancy.
• I am expecting multiples.

So, in consideration of that woman who just had octuplets in California, I think the nurse was trying not to worry me. There is absolutely no way, aside from a freakishly outrageous beta today, to know, until we have ultrasound confirmation. So I am trying to eat well, sleep well, and behave myself, all to get to the next step. I'm not altogether sure I can pull off eating well for eight more months, so ...

Anyways, we will see about all this. I will keep you informed. I'd like to now give a shout out to all the folks who have been leaving me comments ... ya'll just perk up my day! Thanks so much!

OK, now I am going to go and stare at my cell phone ... it's like a stinking watched pot, you know? Until later!

Beta #1: 8dp3dt

Today is technically 12 dpo. I have a beta of 42. Since the nurse is not sure if the Ovidrel shot is out of my system, she is not getting excited yet (may I shoot her, please?) and will hold off until Friday from getting excited.

Well, all I can say is that the Ovidrel is always gone 10 days after I inject, and I injected 13 days ago. I tested Sunday night, nadah. No HCG to be found. So it is. I am pregnant. Holy cow, I am so tickled. Makes me want to go out and celebrate by eating some potato skins .. but I won't. I brought my lunch. I am going to tamp down on my frenetic YYYEEESSSS!!! and nuke my chili.

I need some serious heavenward prayers I won't kill this one. A beta of 42. Never been that far up before ...

Holy cow, I am PREGNANT!!!!!

Hot Flash Alert!

Awesome, hot flashes all day yesterday. I was buck naked in my 70 degree house, comfy as all can be. NOT my normal behavior (warm, not the naked part). I tested this morning and it was a light pink line. I went in for a blood test and am awaiting the number.

I realize it will be a low number which will mean nothing until I get the beta drawn again on Friday, but at least it is confirmation IF this turns out to be a chemical. They won't treat recurrent pregnancy loss witout confirmed m/c's and HPTs don't count.

So, pray for some whopper-roo numbers, like a 50 or so.

6dp3dt

Auugh, the waiting game. Too soon to test, too much time to wait. I would say it was killing me but I am oh so healthy.

The Prometrium is doing fine. I have cleavage, a nice side effect, and the breasts aren't all that painful. (On a scale of 1 to 10, an 8. I've had worse. Hee hee.) Itsy bitsy twinges down there, nothing nearing a cramp. Darn. And I'm not felling the least bit weird, like urinating frequently or having hot flashes. So ...

Either it's too early or my five little embryos failed to implant.

On the great side, though, I discovered rootbeer. Rootbeer is non-caffeinated. It tastes great (perhaps a bit sweet) but hits the soda spot when it should call.

Well, I'll post with updates. Hopeful but frustrated and wanting a positive or definitive negative NOW. Did I mention I have no patience?

I'll think on that -- to see how that lack will affect my ability to mother. :)