Well, my mental health has returned. It's a sunny day, I'm bleeding like crazy, and I ate a full meal for the first time in 5 days. My body let me sleep more (although I'm not up to a full night yet) and my cats only awoke me at 6:30. It's progress.
I brought the Mini out of the garage and drove her to lunch. It was a great feeling to press on the accelerator and have the car JUMP. Really nice.
I got a call from the nurse, she said the doctor can talk with me on May 2nd, SO long from now. In other words, no immunological testing until then, so perhaps another cycle wasted. So I also called the local infertility clinic at the teaching hospital and asked for an appointment to see an RE about my case. May 8th. Yuck. It looks like no one is willing to work with me concerning my issues.
Long story short, very frustrated, but nothing I can really do. I've thought of going to an IVF clinic in NYC, establishing a relationship with them now in preparation for my move and then on the day that new insurance takes effect, beginning everything, but I have not made such a move. We'll see. I'm just frustrated by this. Annoying.
Well, must work on the dissertation now. Egad ... long-assed thing.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sad
The miscarriage has begun. It is painful, filled with clots, and will last for about 5 days, per the nurse. I spoke with her asking yesterday about "what's next" and shared that this is at least chemical pregnancy #2, do we do testing, and she is to get back to me "later" -- no telling on the definition of "later." I want to speak with the doc -- who knows?
I have also decided to see a counselor about my distrust of doctors ... I'm afraid my distrust is well-earned (multiple doctors and specialists missed a disease for 8 years) and it is infecting this relationship with the RE. I also need help coping with the stresses involved in pursuing TTC and in dealing with my single status (questions about why God hates me abound). So, that is next for the list.
Last night was especially hard. I was dealing with the whole miscarriage thing and my mother made some comments, so I ended up crying at her house for about 3 hours, all hormonal and such, but did manage to convey to her quite well that being a Choice Mom is not my first choice, that doing this is hard on me emotionally, that I miss not being a part of a couple, that I would adore being married, that having children is something I have wanted forever, etc. I'm crying now as I write this. Well, I think she saw. I think she understood why I ripped into her telling me my miscarriage wasn't as bad as my cousin's, because I don't think she thought about the fact that I am doing this solo ... I don't want her to compare my married cousin's miscarriage (with 2 children already when she had to deliver a dead 15 wk. old) to me. It's apples and cars. Two different types of situations, for which there were 2 scenarios, etc. In other words, don't belittle my pain. So, all that said, I think she understands now just how hard all of this is for me.
So, I think I should go. Still hanging on ... I hope all this gets easier.
I have also decided to see a counselor about my distrust of doctors ... I'm afraid my distrust is well-earned (multiple doctors and specialists missed a disease for 8 years) and it is infecting this relationship with the RE. I also need help coping with the stresses involved in pursuing TTC and in dealing with my single status (questions about why God hates me abound). So, that is next for the list.
Last night was especially hard. I was dealing with the whole miscarriage thing and my mother made some comments, so I ended up crying at her house for about 3 hours, all hormonal and such, but did manage to convey to her quite well that being a Choice Mom is not my first choice, that doing this is hard on me emotionally, that I miss not being a part of a couple, that I would adore being married, that having children is something I have wanted forever, etc. I'm crying now as I write this. Well, I think she saw. I think she understood why I ripped into her telling me my miscarriage wasn't as bad as my cousin's, because I don't think she thought about the fact that I am doing this solo ... I don't want her to compare my married cousin's miscarriage (with 2 children already when she had to deliver a dead 15 wk. old) to me. It's apples and cars. Two different types of situations, for which there were 2 scenarios, etc. In other words, don't belittle my pain. So, all that said, I think she understands now just how hard all of this is for me.
So, I think I should go. Still hanging on ... I hope all this gets easier.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Weepy
It's just not fair. Why did God give me this love of family and children but never really brought a family-oriented man into my life? I always wanted to be married with children .. it was my dream. I know, I haven't even gotten quite close. I have a friend who was married, albeit in a poor marriage, cheated on her husband and then divorced him in order to be with the one she cheated with .. and now they're getting married. Another friend cheated on her husband and has now been cheated on and is upset. Where is all the fairness in all this? I have NEVER cheated, never. I believe in not mixing dirty laundry. Get out of a relationship before you cross that line. Well, me being a good person, why can't I find a man? Why can't God just decide I am a good person and he'll make that opportunity for me? Because here I am waiting for my miscarriage, when all I have ever really wanted in life are a husband and kids. I have neither. All I have are my family (brothers, parents, etc.), my cats, a few friends, and a career. Why can't I have what so many other people have found? It's just not right ...
A friend of mine once commented to a bunch of people that you hear about people like me, but you never meet them, well, she had found one. I never really understood the comment, but I think she was talking about my energy, kindness, and enthusiasm. It's the kindness which stands out ... I am nice to people, random people. In the halls at school, if someone looks out of place, I ask if I can help. It's just my way of being nice to others. I am kind to wait staff, kind to flight attendants, kind to people you see everywhere. Why is this piece of me simply not appreciated?
I'm sorry, I'm just so depressed about all this. I want a child. I have so much love to give. I want a man. I have so much love to give. Why can't I have either?
I'll go now. It's not the best day in the world. I am still waiting for the cramping, etc. and it doesn't seem to want to come. Pregnancy symptoms are still here.
A friend of mine once commented to a bunch of people that you hear about people like me, but you never meet them, well, she had found one. I never really understood the comment, but I think she was talking about my energy, kindness, and enthusiasm. It's the kindness which stands out ... I am nice to people, random people. In the halls at school, if someone looks out of place, I ask if I can help. It's just my way of being nice to others. I am kind to wait staff, kind to flight attendants, kind to people you see everywhere. Why is this piece of me simply not appreciated?
I'm sorry, I'm just so depressed about all this. I want a child. I have so much love to give. I want a man. I have so much love to give. Why can't I have either?
I'll go now. It's not the best day in the world. I am still waiting for the cramping, etc. and it doesn't seem to want to come. Pregnancy symptoms are still here.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Chemical Pregnancy
One type of miscarriage is a chemical pregnancy, in which a positive urine or blood test has been identified but no heartbeat seen. I am going to have one today or tomorrow. My latest beta went down by 4 (22 down to an 18) which means my embryo is no longer feasible.
As the author of a pregnancy book wrote (and which I just read), this is the death of a child. While no one else not in these shoes can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant, I did not envision the embryo as such; instead, I saw it as a baby, wiggling and happy. To find out that this baby has now died means that I will grieve a bit. It is only natural. No one else can imagine such, since it was a much wished-for occasion, was celebrated by me happily (until the beta issues arose) and was something I have been working towards for so long.
Whenever a woman is told she is infertile, the successes are joyful, the losses are endless.
However, considering that, I'll give myself an appropriate amount of time to get over it, pack away any baby paraphernalia I got because I was so happy, and begin anew.
As was mentioned previously, my next adventure is injectables, to be in May. We'll see. I'll crunch the dates and see if that is best.
As the author of a pregnancy book wrote (and which I just read), this is the death of a child. While no one else not in these shoes can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant, I did not envision the embryo as such; instead, I saw it as a baby, wiggling and happy. To find out that this baby has now died means that I will grieve a bit. It is only natural. No one else can imagine such, since it was a much wished-for occasion, was celebrated by me happily (until the beta issues arose) and was something I have been working towards for so long.
Whenever a woman is told she is infertile, the successes are joyful, the losses are endless.
However, considering that, I'll give myself an appropriate amount of time to get over it, pack away any baby paraphernalia I got because I was so happy, and begin anew.
As was mentioned previously, my next adventure is injectables, to be in May. We'll see. I'll crunch the dates and see if that is best.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Low Betas
I had my 2nd beta yesterday and we are looking at the first beta of 14 and a beta yesterday (2 days later) of 22. There are 3 scenarios. Since I was not yet at 4 weeks (today is it), I could simply have a very young embryo which will grow aboundingly and come to fruition. However, the low beta is worrisome. I could have an embryo which is developmentally not right (and there are a whole lot of possibilities there), which will definintely miscarry or I could have an ectopic pregnancy, which could harm me if not removed.
I want answers. I am not a patient person, patient enought to wait until the RE nurse who CAN draw my blood returns from vacation next week. I know the one on duty this weekend can't draw the blood, but if this is a doomed pregnancy, I want it over with as soon as possible (meaning Tuesday). So because we need that 3rd beta draw as a marker before anyone makes a decision about the viability, I personally think I should have blood drawn through whatever means are necessary this weekend. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ... and I'm hoping she can understand my reasoning. I am simply not willing to wait and see ... I need information quickly so I don't become attached and hopeful about something which is doomed. An ectopic has no chance of survival and could hurt me (that's what it sounds like it is, personally).
So, kill the joy, enter very cautious deliberation, not even optimism. If this IS a viable embryo, and it does turn out to be a healthy child, remind me to wring his/her neck for the worry I endured, okay? I'm getting too old for drama like this!
I want answers. I am not a patient person, patient enought to wait until the RE nurse who CAN draw my blood returns from vacation next week. I know the one on duty this weekend can't draw the blood, but if this is a doomed pregnancy, I want it over with as soon as possible (meaning Tuesday). So because we need that 3rd beta draw as a marker before anyone makes a decision about the viability, I personally think I should have blood drawn through whatever means are necessary this weekend. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ... and I'm hoping she can understand my reasoning. I am simply not willing to wait and see ... I need information quickly so I don't become attached and hopeful about something which is doomed. An ectopic has no chance of survival and could hurt me (that's what it sounds like it is, personally).
So, kill the joy, enter very cautious deliberation, not even optimism. If this IS a viable embryo, and it does turn out to be a healthy child, remind me to wring his/her neck for the worry I endured, okay? I'm getting too old for drama like this!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Sesame Seed
I have been googling everything is sight about pregnancy at this stage (EARLY!) and have decided I have some symptoms. First, I have a sinus infection or such. Since this is a personal blog, but open for the casual viewer, I think I'll get graphic. Lucky you, huh? I awoke 2 days ago choking on a big wad of "gunk" that had slid backwards out of my nasal passage and down my throat. Since I'd had nary a sniffle prior, and really don't get colds, I thought hard about that wad.
That was my indication it was time to pee on a stick. Wee-hee! We get to urine test! (My friend had also mentioned, when she heard me sneeze twice the week before, that head stuffed-upness was a good sign -- and yes! Head stuffed-upness is a medical term for those doubters out there.) Enter the pale, barely there line. Ahah! Diagnosis!
My next set of symptoms is yet again graphic and I am glad I don't know you ... vaginal discharge, heaps of it. I really don't know why, and it surely isn't mentioned as a key sign, but I've never oozed like this before. If I didn't know better (and wear clean underwear) I might "sloosh" as I walked. As it is, I think I'm fairly quiet even though I'm oozing. Thank goodness for strong personal habits, right? [As my mother used to tell me, you never know when you might get in an accident and have to go to the hospital, so change your underwear everyday. It's a good rule to follow, but I can't say I've ever had an accident in which I had to go to the hospital. You never know, though, so I just change every day. Glad you knew, huh?]
Next I have very minimal breast tenderness. It's really not as bad as I got the 2 times I supposedly had PMS. It's kind of "you touch me there and I will brain you" when I am lying there in bed and the cats decide to play King of the Mountain, the Mountain being the small hill in front of my chin. The other times it was "Ouch! They ache so much I think I'll wear a bra to bed after I hit this cat over the head with a baseball bat."
There is fatigue. Yesterday I awoke after an 8 hour sleep. An hour spent returning emails and I decided, hmm, I really am sleepy, and it was back to bed for 3 more. 8+3, even a literacy person can do is 12 ... no, 11. Anyways (gotcha), I was a teensy bit tired.
And gas. Enough said? With the Ovidrel shot, you normally have an increase. I just haven't yet noticed a decrease. Frogs abound.
Now for the weird thing which may or may not be connected. I was driving home yesterday and got a little sick to my stomach. I doubt it's nausea, I just think it was a combination of hunger and carsickness, a rather frequent condition with me. If I start getting it on a frequent basis I will revise my idea. I also have pregnancy head. This condition is also called Bubble-Headed Bleach Blonde (from my years of dying the hair) and Absent-minded Professor Syndrome, for which I have been in active training for 4 years. So I am doubting I can lay all the haziness and forgetfulness at the pregnancy doorstep. I'll keep you posted on all that.
So that's it. That's all my symptoms.
All the symptoms aside, I read somewhere that my baby is the size of a sesame seed. I think the size reference is pretty cool. Imagine that a small bit like that could have those wonderful systemic influences on a 108 lb. woman. Well, 107.6, but we can round up, can't we? I'm just so proud of my little sesame seed ... he/she is a force to be reckoned with already, a mere 3 weeks, 6 days into life. Grow, little seed, grow. I can't wait to meet you! (Well, actually, I can ... don't be taking that statement as an invitation to depart now, okay?) Just burrow deep, wee one, in that lush uterine lining, suck all the blood you want, and grow. I'll wait. I'll even feed you whatever you want .. just no pickles and ice cream combinations, okay? I'm not sure I'm up for something like that.
That was my indication it was time to pee on a stick. Wee-hee! We get to urine test! (My friend had also mentioned, when she heard me sneeze twice the week before, that head stuffed-upness was a good sign -- and yes! Head stuffed-upness is a medical term for those doubters out there.) Enter the pale, barely there line. Ahah! Diagnosis!
My next set of symptoms is yet again graphic and I am glad I don't know you ... vaginal discharge, heaps of it. I really don't know why, and it surely isn't mentioned as a key sign, but I've never oozed like this before. If I didn't know better (and wear clean underwear) I might "sloosh" as I walked. As it is, I think I'm fairly quiet even though I'm oozing. Thank goodness for strong personal habits, right? [As my mother used to tell me, you never know when you might get in an accident and have to go to the hospital, so change your underwear everyday. It's a good rule to follow, but I can't say I've ever had an accident in which I had to go to the hospital. You never know, though, so I just change every day. Glad you knew, huh?]
Next I have very minimal breast tenderness. It's really not as bad as I got the 2 times I supposedly had PMS. It's kind of "you touch me there and I will brain you" when I am lying there in bed and the cats decide to play King of the Mountain, the Mountain being the small hill in front of my chin. The other times it was "Ouch! They ache so much I think I'll wear a bra to bed after I hit this cat over the head with a baseball bat."
There is fatigue. Yesterday I awoke after an 8 hour sleep. An hour spent returning emails and I decided, hmm, I really am sleepy, and it was back to bed for 3 more. 8+3, even a literacy person can do is 12 ... no, 11. Anyways (gotcha), I was a teensy bit tired.
And gas. Enough said? With the Ovidrel shot, you normally have an increase. I just haven't yet noticed a decrease. Frogs abound.
Now for the weird thing which may or may not be connected. I was driving home yesterday and got a little sick to my stomach. I doubt it's nausea, I just think it was a combination of hunger and carsickness, a rather frequent condition with me. If I start getting it on a frequent basis I will revise my idea. I also have pregnancy head. This condition is also called Bubble-Headed Bleach Blonde (from my years of dying the hair) and Absent-minded Professor Syndrome, for which I have been in active training for 4 years. So I am doubting I can lay all the haziness and forgetfulness at the pregnancy doorstep. I'll keep you posted on all that.
So that's it. That's all my symptoms.
All the symptoms aside, I read somewhere that my baby is the size of a sesame seed. I think the size reference is pretty cool. Imagine that a small bit like that could have those wonderful systemic influences on a 108 lb. woman. Well, 107.6, but we can round up, can't we? I'm just so proud of my little sesame seed ... he/she is a force to be reckoned with already, a mere 3 weeks, 6 days into life. Grow, little seed, grow. I can't wait to meet you! (Well, actually, I can ... don't be taking that statement as an invitation to depart now, okay?) Just burrow deep, wee one, in that lush uterine lining, suck all the blood you want, and grow. I'll wait. I'll even feed you whatever you want .. just no pickles and ice cream combinations, okay? I'm not sure I'm up for something like that.
All is Well
We have a missed cycle. :) Yay! 1 day late. I figured it all out and I am now only 3 weeks, 5 days, not even 4 weeks yet. So maybe my beta isn't low, maybe it is simply very early in implantation. Positive thoughts, that's the ticket. :) Very tickled right now. EDD is December 12, a wonderful date. At least, that's the date until the doc tells me differently. Still no symptoms.
Have a wonderful one!
Have a wonderful one!
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Mixed News
Well, I got blood drawn from the phlebotomist (why can the nurse never get my vein?) and got back my beta - 14. It is VERY low. I'll go in to get another in 2 days' time and it should have doubled then. If it has not, I think I may lose it. If it has, I imagine I'll have to go in again on Saturday for another blood draw before I am deemed "in the clear."
So, yes, I have fertilization and implantation. We KNOW I can get pregnant now. But we may actually have evidence that we are now dealing with that infamous immune system. Gotta love it! My immune system has been yanking my chain since I turned 15. That's 24 years of my life spent responding to the whims of my antibodies. First Grave's Disease, then the lemon allergy, then Hashimoto's, then all my hives, the gray hair, the rashes from "stress" or allergens, ALL the drug allergies (can anyone say Whacko?) ... what more could a woman want?
Like I said, gotta love it. Well, I'll keep you posted. Have a great April Fool's Day, won't you?
So, yes, I have fertilization and implantation. We KNOW I can get pregnant now. But we may actually have evidence that we are now dealing with that infamous immune system. Gotta love it! My immune system has been yanking my chain since I turned 15. That's 24 years of my life spent responding to the whims of my antibodies. First Grave's Disease, then the lemon allergy, then Hashimoto's, then all my hives, the gray hair, the rashes from "stress" or allergens, ALL the drug allergies (can anyone say Whacko?) ... what more could a woman want?
Like I said, gotta love it. Well, I'll keep you posted. Have a great April Fool's Day, won't you?
YAY!!
Well, I tested early and this morning, with my first urine of the day, I tested barely positive. It's OK, I've done the research online, so I know that the faint line still means I am, it's just an early pregnancy reading. So I called the nurse, and she JUST called back, wanting me to go in this morning for a blood test.
Holy cow! I am SO EXCITED! I am basically jumping out of my skin! WOW!
I called everybody I need to call (sisters-in-law, brothers, mother, father, 3 friends) and now all we do is sit in and wait for the official decree and the determination that it will stick.
I seriously need some heavenward prayers that my immune system behaves itself and does not kill the fetus/embryo/whatever its title may be. I have that natural immune system that kills anything at 10 paces and even attacks me on occasion (thyroid, allergies, hives, skin rashes, you name it, it attacks). Any takers? All it requires is warm fuzzy pleas to God on my behalf. Have a great day -- I know I will!
Holy cow! I am SO EXCITED! I am basically jumping out of my skin! WOW!
I called everybody I need to call (sisters-in-law, brothers, mother, father, 3 friends) and now all we do is sit in and wait for the official decree and the determination that it will stick.
I seriously need some heavenward prayers that my immune system behaves itself and does not kill the fetus/embryo/whatever its title may be. I have that natural immune system that kills anything at 10 paces and even attacks me on occasion (thyroid, allergies, hives, skin rashes, you name it, it attacks). Any takers? All it requires is warm fuzzy pleas to God on my behalf. Have a great day -- I know I will!
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