Nathaniel's Later NICU Days

After Nathaniel weathered his first infection, it was somewhat smooth sailing to release, as long as you overlook one huge bump in the road.

He was moved to the Feed and Grow part of the NICU nursery. There, he got increased feeds, learned to not brady as much (bradycardia, which is forgeting to breathe), and slept a lot. We also kangaroo'd every day, for longer and longer stretches, until my rear end could handle 3 hours long. It was wonderful.

At some point, the nurses and I talked about me returning to my hometown. See, I was an hour and a half north of my home, staying in the Ronald McDonald House, eating in restaurants. While I was off for the summer, I needed to return to work at the university by mid-August. And it was nearing time. At one point, I moved home, just so I could mow my own lawn (saving $35 a week), read my mail, and feed the cats (a cat sitter had been doing it for $15 a day). The drive up and back was a killer, especially when I had to time it to be between my every-3-hours breastpumping sessions.

You see, babies can't suck until 34 weeks, so I had to pump every 3 hours (or less) for over 6 weeks, just like having to breastfeed a newborn. He was getting breast milk via a tube from his mouth into his stomach.

So, there we were, talking about Nathaniel being moved from the Level III NICU to the local Level II NICU, which would necessitate an ambulance ride and room in the new NICU. Well, the new NICU was full. All of a sudden one day, I got the notice that he was being transferred. In 30 minutes. A baby down in my hometown needed to come up to the NICU (he was critically ill and needed the additional services offered there), so Nathaniel had to hightail it down there to give the kid room up here for him to come.

In 30 minutes. Well, my son enjoyed his ambulance ride and suddenly, he was esconsed in his new NICU, which was markedly more informal and relaxed than the other NICU. I must say I grieved for the expertise of the first NICU unit, especially how the nurses had so many skills. The nurses in the new NICU were probably more experienced than I first anticipated; however, they did not use the same technical language I was accustomed to, so they just SEEMED to be less professional. I also did not like being referred to as Mom. I have a name ... and if I can remember a nurse's name, she can darned well remember mine.

Well, after I adjusted to the NICU, I realized my son had adjusted just fine. He was smiling, winning people over with his huge blue eyes and nosy personality. I insisted on Kangarooing, as usual, and belatedly saw I was the only one practicing it. Cultural differences, perhaps.

Things went well, Nathaniel cut back on his nasal cannula needs. He upped his feeds wel, tolerating the higher amounts. And I stopped breastfeeding. I'd seen lactation consultants galore. I tried different pumps (had 5 at my disposal), ate and drank what they told me to, got sleep, tried to smell Nathaniel's clothes, thought warm and fuzzy thoughts, and never got more than an ounce total each pumping session. And by this time, my son was taking two ounces a meal, so half his feeds were already coming from formula. Finally, out of desperation, I tried Reglan. Not the thing to give a woman already experiencing depressive issues (I was later diagnosed with PTSD). I crashed. It made my brain fuzzy, not something I wanted or needed. And it didn't work. So I quit.

And could not have been happier with the decision.

It wasn't until I met with the obstetrician that I fully understood why my body did not produce milk as well as it should have. First, I had an ultra preemie. He wasn't able to suckle. Then there was the major surgery, the C-section. Next, due to all the transfusions I'd had, my body was essentially in shock. Next, having a NICU baby was considerable stress (duh) and doing it solo, it was all on me, with a limited support system. Another factor was my gallbladder surgery, another major surgery. Last, I had PTSD from the experiences leading up to the delivery. So in all, my body was revolting, saying that this milk train was NOT leaving the station.

So Nathaniel was fed all formula from then on. While "breast is best" and all that, I was a formula baby myself and look how I turned out. Pfft! (BFing Nazis and I don't like each other.) It did soothe my heart to know that the only immunities I gave my son were in the colostrum, that regular breast milk does not provide any additional ones.

The major hiccup in all this was when Nathaniel developed reflux and no one paid any attention to the pain and discomfort he was in. I could not get the doctor to really see my child and figure out what was wrong. Nathaniel is my first, so I had no prior knowledge to work with. All I knew was that he was not a happy camper and something was wrong. The doctor said his trouble feeding was developmental and he was a boy, and boys take longer to develop. It was a load of crud. Yes, PART of my son's problem turned out to be developmental (an immature suck, for one), but the other part was all reflux. And no one was looking at him to figure it out.

I asked for a second opinion. Nada. I called my folks and ranted about this, tried to get OT and PT and Speech in to figure it out (no luck - they just parroted what the doctor said), and scoured the internet for help. I figured it out a good 6 days before the doctor, the scumbag. (Can you tell I'm just a BIT bitter about this???) Well, I strategized with my counselor (I was seeing her for the PTSD) and decided on a course of action. I walked in that Friday, down because I knew nothing could transpire that evening and so discouraged because no one was listening to me ... to find my son was FINALLY being treated for ... tadah! ... REFLUX!!! Come on, I am not the doctor, boneheads, you are! Why could you not see this before I did, it's a Neonatal INTENSIVE CARE UNIT?!!

OK, so they put him on Zantac (best thing since sliced bread) and riced his formula. We had issues from the start, clogging issues. The rice cereal blocked the nipple. I changed to Dr. Brown's. Still clogged. I went to cross-cut nipples. Still clogged. I felt like it was all equipment issues and since part of the problem was the immature suck, the poor kid could suck adn suck and suck away but he couldn't get it unclogged. A month passed as the poor kid get so sacked from his feeds, unable to drink all that the doctors required him to drink. And then 2 things happened.

One, a doctor advised GRINDING his rice before addition to the formula. This removed the clogging factor.

Next, the nutritionist recalculated his calorie count of the feeds, finally adding in the calorie count for the rice, and suddenly,my son was meeting and exceeding his required feeds on a daily basis.

Once this recalculation occured, it was obvious the kid was doing great. Along the way, though, he would have arching issues, a sign of discomfort from the reflux. The problem was not solved while in the NICU.

Also along the way, Nathaniel caught MRSA. He was colonized with it in his nostrils, which meant he had to be isolated from the general population and basically treated poorly, IMHO. Here he was, a term baby finally, and he lost all stimulation by being placed in isolation. It broke my heart and still, to this day, makes me furious that he was so treated. I realize hospitals have to contain the infection spread, but really, when you even agree it was hospital-acquired and not from Mommy, you should do everything you can to ensure the child does not suffer. And that means leaving him in the general population and not isolating him.

(We know he didn't catch it from me, since I have developed 2 MRSA infections since his release, once a boil in the nose and recently a boil on the back of my leg.) Let's hope this is over soon.

Well, one day I was told he was going home the next day. And I called my folks to have them come on up. It was a wonderful day when he was released. While I was a frantic worrywart (about infection control, mainly), I treasured finally having my son with me. And I shall leave it at that for tonight - I shall soon write about meeting the pediatric gastoenterologist, a life-changing event. :)

Nathaniel's Early NICU Days

Nathaniel was a tiny little guy when he was born - 2 pounds, 8 ounces. He lived in the Acute care section of the NICU for about 8 days, during which he got his initial 2 transfusions (I'd lost a lot of blood, some of which was his), artifical surfactant, and several evaluations. He had Respiratory Distress Syndrome, a normal enough thing for 28 weekers with immature lung development (despite the steroid shots I got prior). Due to the RDS, Nathaniel was struggling to breathe, so the doctors ordered him hooked up to a ventilator. He was transferred from the regular vent to the oscillating vent within hours, to better enable him to breathe. The oscillator shakes the baby, keeping the alveoli inflated, a necessary step towards independent breathing. After the oscillator, he went back to the normal ventilator. At some point, he was extubated (the days are a bit hazy) and placed on vapotherm, which is a nasal cannula with moisturized oxygen/air. Nathaniel varied between 40% and 23% oxygen content. Room air is 23%.

A clergywoman blessed him on his first day of life, to my everlasting gratitude.

Nathaniel showed himself to be a fighter from the first day. He lifted his head and turned it to face the nurse before he was intubated, a show of strength and will. I'm hoping he glared at her, since she was the one who told me I had the "sickest baby in the NICU", not something ANY mother ever wants to have. And the shock was not necessary. I was ALREADY in shock, for goodness sakes.

While Nathaniel was in Acute Care, we kangaroo'd. Kangaroo care is a technique whereby the parent sits sans shirt, etc. skin-to-skin with the preemie. Preemies meanwhile will regulate their breathing to Mommy, maintain a steady temperature, and sink into a deep healing sleep. Kangaroo'd babies also gain weight faster. I became an avid Kangarooing Mommy. Helen, his nurse on the 5th day, said it was time to hold him. (I hadn't held him yet.) She placed him on my chest. I bawled. Copious, meaningful tears. Then he fell asleep. I was so worried I'd break him. I could not imagine holding him as casually as Helen did ... but it worked. We were together that first day for about 30 minutes. Helen took his measurements and he had stayed warm, his heart rate was fine, etc., and did I want to do it tomorrow?

Heck yes.

I have pictures of us on that 5th day, him so dark and red (from the transfusions), me so spindly pale (from the shock and fatigue). But he was so peaceful looking and I was so happy. I finally had my little boy.

On his 13th day of life, Nathaniel fell ill from a staph infection. The nurse caught it early, just from him not acting like himself (I guess he'd made no escape attempts that day) and put him back on the vent as well as on antibiotics. He never even got a fever from it, because preemies don't have an immune system to kick on with a fever. They are essentially sitting ducks. As I was getting updated on his status and felt a pain beginning in my lower abdomen. Thinking it was a panic attack, I told the nurse I was going to trust her, that I didn't feel so good, and that I was going to go lay down.

And laying down did not help, so I walked to the ER, a short elevator ride and hall hop away.

That night I got my gallbladder removed in emergency surgery. The poor physician's assistant who had to go get me a breast pump from the NICU could not imagine the single-minded devotion I had to taking care of my son. So Nathaniel was on the 9th floor recovering and I was on the 5th floor recovering.

The next morning, I bounded up to see him, as healthy as I could be with 4 holes in my abdominal region, and he had weathered the night very well. See what a fighter I have?

The Story

On a Monday morning in July, I awoke to minimal bleeding when I used the toilet. I panicked. I wiped again, more bleeding. I knew it wasn't good.

For the next 20 minutes, I went from speaking with the on-call OB to wiping again, each time with more blood and clots and back to the phone. I awoke my parents (they were visiting for the night) and said I thought I was having a miscarriage, that I had to get to the hospital ASAP. I was 26 weeks.

At the hospital, they found that I was having premature labor contractions, that my water had broken, and that I was 1 cm dilated. Since the NICU at the hospital was unable to handle the needs of a 26 week gestational age baby, they had to transfer me to another hospital with a Level III NICU. I was pumped full of magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions and sent by ambulance an hour and a half away.

The mag sulfate stopped the contractions, the bleeding stopped, and the new doctor, a perinatologist (since I was now High Risk -- huh, fancy that), looked at the ultrasound results and decided my marginal previa must be acting like a complete previa. Still, he was hopeful it was a one-time only bleed. And since I had lost minimal amniotic fluid, it must have been a small tear in the sac. So I was placed on hospital bedrest for a week. If no new bleeds during that time and no resumption of labor, I could go home and do modified bedrest at home for the remainder of the pregnancy. Thank goodness I was on summer break from school!

Well, that week trial only lasted until Thursday. A small bleed, but it reset the clock. They did tests again, nothing. Still, they thought the previa looked marginal but was acting like a complete. As one doctor said, it was quacking like a duck, so it must be a duck.

It wasn't a duck.

I had a major bleed that Sunday, so major that I scared a tried-and-true labor and delivery nurse by the amount of blood and size of the clot I passed. (I thought it was the baby when it was coming out of me.) I got transfusions and my bleeding stopped. Crisis averted.

Another bleed occured Tuesday. Again, I scared people. (I got so good at that, too.) I had a serious blood pressure dip where the nurse was calling my name and I was unable to respond, just floating there thinking "yeah, what?" But no new blood was needed.

And then Thursday arrived, 11 days after I had first entered the hospital. For the first time, I bled during the daylight hours, at about 7:30 pm. (Always before, it was dark outside, although the bleeds were in the early morning.) And this time, I started bleeding while watching TV laying down. I was doing nothing and just felt the trickling oozing out of me. I stepped to the bedside toilet and had a massive gush. And rang the nurse call bell. When the nurse came in (it was the same one I had terrified prior), I told her I'd been "peeing" for about 2 minutes and I was scared, that surely it wasn't urine. It wasn't. She helped me get horizontal again and the ooze continued. Doctors rushed in, evaluations were made, and I heard the fatal words "no food or drink".

OK, time for an emergency C-section. I was all alone in the hospital and only had 25 minutes notice to let folks know. My labor coach was back home, too far away to help in the time allotted. Besides, I wasn't about to labor: they were pulling my son to save both of our lives. I couldn't reach my folks. In a panic, I called both brothers, told them the news and that I couldn't reach my parents. They took care of matters and right before I was wheeled in for surgery, got the call from my mom saying, "I love you. It will be all right."

And it was. The surgery was performed without a hitch and at 10:29 pm I heard a mewling, like a tiny kitten. It was my 2 lb, 8 oz. son crying. I got a brief glimpse of him before he was rushed to the NICU. Once I was stitched up, I went to the recovery room and was laced with morphine. Good stuff, that. Took the pain away.

Hours later, my brother arrived from a madcap dash from CT to upstate, central NY. He sat with me in the recovery room while we waited for the first trip to see my son. Finally, finally, they were ready for me. Up we went to see him. There he was on the warming table, tiny and dark, with these massive heels upright on the table. While the neonatologist was telling me his status, I marveled at his heels. Just the previous evening, we had played "Catch That Foot" as he kicked me black and blue. And here were the offenders, in person. Well, the little guy was healthy and a fighter, in good shape. Time would tell.

They led me down to the postpartum unit and I slept off the morphine and anesthesia. When I awoke, it was to a visitor (my labor coach and good friend) and a neonatologist ... my son needed breathing help so he was going to be intubated. Was that all right? I said, "Whatever you have to do." I totally did not understand what was going on.

A couple hours later, my brother escorted me up to see my son. And I realized the impact of everything, that this little tiny baby was fighting for his life. But. To foreshadow another day's posting, I have to say that he fought well and God held him in his hands for 115 days. He's now a rather robust (albeit thin) little wonder who won't stop pulling my hair or ears.

Puppy Dog Tails

Update: In July, I experienced some bleeding and was ordered to go to Labor and Delivery at my local hospital. I was 26 weeks along. While there, they discovered the bleeding was pretty serious, my waters had ruptured, and I was in early labor. Fun! I was given magnesium sulfate by IV and transferred to a hospital which could handle the care of a 26 week old baby.

At the new hospital (an hour and a half from my home), they decided that the amniotic fluid was merely leaking, a small hole, and that it might heal on its own. This is, apparently, a common occurence. The mag stopped the contractions (they felt like Braxton Hicks contractions to me!) and the bleeding ceased. For then.

I was on hospital bedrest for a week and if there was no new bleeding, I could go home. Well, I held out 4 days. The docs were convinced it was my marginal previa acting like a complete - walking like a duck, quacking like a duck. Multiple ultrasounds later, it still looked marginal, but golly, this woman is bleeding!

Well, 3 hemorrhages later (and oodles and oodles of blood transfusions), they took my son from me at 28 weeks, 0 days (by ultrasound measurement). And discovered a rather nasty grade 3 abruption, albeit minus any of the pain you're supposed to have with the abruption.

And my son's journey began. I shall be updating the blog as time allows, but suffice it to be my son was in the NICU for 15 weeks. (3 weeks past his due date and wouldn't you like to see the final bill?) He has developmental delay, and no one is sure yet if the delay is simply prematurity or if there is something else like cerebral palsy involved. (We should know that in a year and a half conclusively.) And I have gone from a Choice Mom with a normal pregnancy to a Choice Mom with a preemie, an issue which kind of takes the cake and thought away from being an SMC. In other words, how he came about does not matter at all; instead, how can we address his issues and help him grow as much as possible? I think my lack of marital status matters naught. Yay! So, stay tuned. Will update when I get a chance (ha ha ha - like that is often).

No Infection

Good news! I don't have ANY infection. Apparently yellow foul-smelling discharge is going to be my normal. Yay! (Although, not having made a practice of previously smelling my discharge, how do I know what "foul" really smells like?)

Looking 6 months pregnant, but only 5. Interesting.

I got some books from Amazon and off of paperbackswap.com (a great deal, that one, just pay for postage to swap paperbacks). I am boning up on my baby information. Not having babysat a true infant in 30 years (yep, you read that right), I am woefully ignorant of infant's needs. Here are some things I learned:

• Babies don't need to be bathed every day. Every 2 or 3 days is fine and is recommended by doctors to keep their skin from drying out.
• Babies need manicures on a frequent basis because their fingernails grow so quickly. OTOH, their toenails grow much slower.
• Breastfed babies typically experience bowel movements after every feeding, so be prepared for constant diaper changes, above and beyond formula diaper changes.
• Use of cloth diapers really does decrease the incidence of diaper rash. (I thought it was cloth diaper propaganda, but the doctors said so.) Expect diaper rash between 3-6 months of age.
• Smiling occurs after 3 months of age.
• Separation anxiety is normal at 12 months. This worries me since my son will be 10 months when he starts F/T daycare again after a summer at home with me.

Anyways, just some of the fun stuff I learned. I am reading a book about the colic period too, and this doctor has a set method for handling it ... among the suggestions is using a vacuum cleaner in his presence. I'm still reading but it seems to be just 1 guy's opinion, not shared by the other books. We'll see ... 15 minutes of fame and all that.

So, until next time. Have a happy! :)

My Latest Appointment

Well, today was my anatomical ultrasound. All was going very well ... five fingers on one hand (the other scrunched by his face), five toes (never saw the other foot), cute as a button nose, legs and arms, good upper lip (no cleft palate), great spine, excellent heart and heartrate, empty bladder and stomach, just an overall good wiggly baby. Apparently, since I have a rear-facing placenta and am so darned skinny, I should be feeling him kicking. Nothing. And he is so wiggly. (He really detests the ultrasound wand pressing, too.) The placenta looks good except ... drumroll please ... it was low-lying, until she got a better look. Then, it was near the edge, until she got a different angle. Now, it is on the edge. She said it was partial placenta previa, but everything on the internet has said it is a marginal previa. Whichever, I could use some prayers that it resolves itself. My research found that 90% DO resolve themselves, so here is hoping. Of course, it is this time that I must remind myself that if there is a minimal chance of having something, I always win that lottery ... if only it was minimal chances of GREAT things occuring!

Next, I told her about some yellow discharge ... pee in the cup routine. I had an internal exam where 2 cultures were made and they are being sent off to the lab ... so we will see in a couple days. The doctor thinks it is Group B Strep since it wasn't any of the STDs they test for there in their lab. Simple round of antibiotics ... ho hum.

Oooh, dizzy spell just now. Still going on, too. Fascinating. OK, gone.

So, then the doc said I had blood in my urine ... what else can happen? I checked with my mother and yes, I remembered correctly. She has had blood in her urine for over 20 years and I've had it for about 7. So perhaps it is nothing. Mom has a miniscule amount and so too did I today. So here is hoping ....

We also discussed my constipation issues. Basically, I don't go for a week, which is when I clean out (per my OB's directions) with laxative and enema. But this is for the birds ... so she said to take magnesium with my prenatal and then also to take stook softeners every night. I am also being referred to a nutitionist to perhaps address my fiber intake issues. Basically, last time I met recommended daily fiber requirements, I lost 15 pounds. And one can't do that until AFTER Little One has arrived. So ... we'll see what this one says!

So, no good news ... well, unless you count the fact that that Little One looks wonderful, is 9 ounces already, and wiggly as all can be. Another appointment in 4 weeks, so ... have a happy one!

18 weeks along

Well, things are going really well with Little One. I am 18w2d today, showing quite obviously, and no issues, other than traditional constipation and daily headaches. The constipation is so bad I have resorted to abnormal methods to take care of the problem (as advised by my OB), just so that I have the room in my abdomen for eating. Here's the rub ... I have gained NOTHING since my appointment 2 weeks ago. So, not good. Gotta figure out a way to get the food in and the processed food out. :)

I have a lot of suppies for my son already. I bought a lot of things used off of Craigslist ... crib for $30, changing table for $20, bathtub for $5, Chicco travel system for $170, all sorts of goodies for major discounts. Now all I need to do is load up on medicinals and clth diapers and I will be on my way. I'm saving some things for showers ... oh yeah, and the breast pump. I doubt anyone would give me one, so I just have to figure out how to get on cheaply.

Other than all that, not much is new.

Have a great day!

Very long time, huh?

I must admit: I have been among the missing. When last I updated, I was pregnant but awaiting a likely miscarriage, since I rarely get good TTC news. Well, the kid has stuck. He's in there, yes, sirree, he's growing big and strong.

I had my CVS last Thursday and I am expecting a chromosomally normal boy. The CVS doctor said his placenta looks great (no previa present). My OB said I am doing fine but she would like me to gain weight, not lose it. Whoops. I lost 2 pounds because the constipation makes me feel full. So this weekend, I got rid of everything as much as I could and I can eat a bit more.

I had little nausea and no vomiting during the first trimester. The little nausea I had was relieved by food, so as long as I ate and drank with regularity, he was a pleased little one. The exhaustion was a killer. I did not realize how tired I had been until it started easing week 9. I think the extra corpeus luteums finally died out and stopped producing so much progesterone. Of course, I'm not a doctor so I really don't know. Call it a hunch.

I am definitely getting fat. I show in my tight clothes, so I have been finding some loose ones to wear until I am ready to come out of the closet. I just worry over how a colleague will handle it, so I want some other things to occur before I let on that I am expecting. I just don't know how much more I can do ... at some point someone is going to notice just how much larger my stomach is than my breasts and AHAH! You're pregnant!

My mother has gone apeshit, in my opinion. I have clothes and things for this baby coming out of my ears. She is now off to buy me a 2nd crib (at least she's getting it off of Craigslist) so I can have one in his bedroom and another in the dining room on the 1st floor. She doesn't want Little One to sleep in a Pack and Play -- even though tons of babies DO, hey, it's not good enough for him!

So, that is that. On the other news front (i.e., real life), I started collecting seeds for my vegetable garden. My OB said no to herbicides (no Round Up), pesticides (no bug killer) and no fertilizer, so I guess I'm going organic this year! LOL! I can paint the baby's room now - yay! And I'm still trying to figure out how to make a lawnmower shed down in my 3rd level. We'll see. Maybe Dad will come visit and build it for me? :) Or not. Who knows?

So, I am basically quite happy about things. A little uncertain about work and dang if my house has not yet sold (I never intended to own 2 homes, blast the economy), but on the whole reasonably happy.

Will write soonish ... promise ...

So I'm a Worrywart ........

I went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. But first, a little background -- I last wrote on Saturday that my symptoms were all gone or had never appeared, so I was confused it was a missed misscarriage. Mond you, I didn't want that, but that's what I thought ... I felt FINE. And then Sunday it hit. Nausea. My body will not do crab cakes. Nor gravy. It says NO. And when the body says NO like that, I listen. Hot flashes, just getting so warm I feel like I'm going to keel, and then nothing, so I am freezing.

So, that was yesterday. Today, I went in for the u/s and we have a baby measuring 7w4d (real age: 7w2d) with a heartbeat of 154. Phew. Relief. I'm getting thyroid levels checked and the doc gave me seabands to help with the nausea. (I feel much better. Now can we do something about the constipation?)

So, all in all, a good appointment. And I am apparently the most worry-wart person out there.

Oh yeah, and the OHSS is STILL there. The pooch I have is not from the baby, it's still the hyperstimulation. Grrr. I want a flat-belly belly shot!

Worried Yet Again

Only 2 days to go until I get another ultrasound and my bloodwork. I have not had the morning sickness others complain about -- my few incidences with nausea are gone. I have had no cramping, no spotting or bleeding, nothing else to give me any thoughts about it conclusively, but I think it has ceased to grow. I really should have insisted on an ultrasound yesterday so I wouldn't spend the weekend obsessing over this ... but the didn't want me to have one anyways since all looked so good, so I guess this is the next best thing.

Grrr ..... I have the patience and temper of a 3 year old with a toy just out of reach.

On the other side, I think I've made some decisions about what to say to the OB. This is graphic. When I was 12 and had my finger set after being smashed to bits, they tried the Novocaine in the finger 6 times. After the 6th shot (and the doctor wanted to go home), my pinky was still feeling simple touches. He said, "This is going to hurt" and manually reformed my finger, moving it back into position (it was hanging off to the side of my hand) and then proceeded to wrap and splint it. I screamed like a banshee. It HURT! My mother, of course, held onto my hand the whole time and my brothers stood with their mouths gaped open. Afterwards, the doctor explained that some people just don't process the meds the right way and when it became obvious this local anaesthetic was not going to take, he had to do it with no warning, no time for me to anticipate the pain. It simply had to be done. Well, I got over it (with large doses of Tylenol). Another time when I went in for a tooth filling, they had to inject 4 Novocaine shots to deaden a tooth. It almost worked ... I still had some feeling but the pain was deadened.

Now we get to the narcotic sensitivity. The dextro- drug found in cough medicine lays me out. I take 2 teaspoons (the amount indicated for children 12-16 years old) and I am catatonic for hours. I've taken cough meds for toddlers - still wacky. The last time I took cough medicine, I used the baby formula (probably now off the market) and the infant size dose, and I was drunk as a skunk a day later. I was also prescribed Ativan in college by a doctor (he thought I was stressed) and I was a crumpled mass of body, unable to move legs or arms, crying in the hall, no bodily control. And that wasn't even the whole pill. I'd split it into 1/4. Another time the doctor prescribed Vicodin for back pain, when I was having a bad reaction to a cholesterol-lowering drug. I know I came up for air occasionally, but I basically spent a week sleeping face first on my couch.

Now let me tell you about Benadryl. I have an anaphylactic reaction to lemon. When we were first investigating why I was having these allergy attacks (we did not know I was allergic to lemon at this point), I was told to take 2 Benadryl when my lips started to swell. Exactly 20 minutes later, I was a catatonic mass. We didn't clue in on it right away, so there I would be sitting and my mom would ask me a question and I would answer, albeit in my mind and not out loud. My body just did not work. So my little brother would have to pick me up from my chair and take me to the sofa and lay me out. Four hours later, I would be back, but no sooner. So we eventually learned that 1 Benadryl equals 2 hours' sleep. We also learned that although the directions for Benadryl say you may experience drowsiness, they really didn't know the extent to which my body reacted ... so 1 was usually best. I still only take 1 Benadryl when I am having a reaction, due in part to the fact that I live alone and need enough consciousness to get to an ER if the attack turns worse than it started.

OK, so here we have a body that does not respond well or predictably to different medications. I am super-sensitive when it comes to narcotics and anti-histamines and not as sensitive when it comes to the -caine family. I don't know what this means but I do know I prefer we work with the known and given. For instance, during the egg retrieval, they only used 2 of their regular 4 drugs on me and the 2 they used worked to a hyper degree than they anticipated. Can we find out what those drugs were and how much was used and how quickly I went under? In other words, let's not use the regular known childbirth drug protocol, let's adjust it for the lightweight I am. I wonder if that is possible? Well, it certainly is going to be something I plan to discuss with her.

Of course, all this rides on the embryo continuing to be alive ... so I think I will bid adieu and go worry over some food. Food is balm for the soul, right? :)

Heartbeat Seen

Well, another milestone has been struck. On 5w6d, I got an ultrasound which revealed that not only was the embryo still alive, there was a very strong heartbeat of 143 bpm (week 6 it's supposed to be in the 90s). Yay! The embryo measures at 4 mm. It measures at 6w1d, which is 2 days ahead.

It's like all along, this little embryo has been determined to outperform the standards. First, high HCG, quadrupling when it was supposed to double, outrageous progesterone, and now above standard growth and strong heartbeat.

The OHSS is a bit better. The ovaries are shrinking and more fluid is in my pelvic cavity (hence the pain I was feeling, due to the cavity becoming inflamed from that fluid). It's still just a waiting game ...

After the ultrasound, I spoke with the nurse practitioner - she is connected to the infertility doctor, not the OB/gyn section. She was trying to release me to an OB. I was like, wait! I'm still in miscarriage territory.

She didn't say it outright, but she made me think these thoughts with everything else she did say - I have been so worried about miscarriage, it's almost like I've been expecting it. I had not realized cognitively or emotionally that we were working with probable birth. I am now at 90%+ likelihood of a child, so it is time to pick an OB. I have to pick an OB because that's who will be in charge of me - because I am no longer infertile. Shoot, talk about having to reframe your expectations and operating methods!

I sat down and tried to come up with criteria and thoughts .... something I had not yet done because I wasn't thinking I'd need one until 13 weeks. So I now have thoughts - I need an OB who:

• is laid back yet does all the required tests, etc. Basically, if something is worrying her, she dances around it and lets me know WHEN it is important, no prior to. I am a compulsive worrier so it is better to make light of things until I need to worry.
• acknowledges I am an intelligent woman yet can handle my ignorance well. Not having had children before nor taken much interest in the process, I am kind of clueless to this whole thing.
• has some sort of nurse-line or something so that when something is bothering me at 2 in the morning, I can call and ask questions.
• understands I want to walk the line between me having little natural pain tolerance and not wanting narcotics at the birth. I have a sensitivity to narcotics and narcotic-like medications and am basically a lighter-weight lightweight than a baby when it comes to the substances. Cough medicine makes me catatonic ... and true narcotics are killer. For goodness sake, 1 benadryl puts me under!
• I really don't care who is between my legs when I give birth. I figure I will be panting, screeching, moaning, etc., so much that whomever is down there will be immaterial. So the person who actually delivers me is moot. Instead, give me someone good in the meantime, before it is time for business. Establish enough trust with me by holding my hand through these months and I will behave for the birth. Maybe. :)

So, those are my qualifications. I made an appointment with the most laid-back OB they have. So far, I am not high-risk.

So -- a revised understanding of my predicament, a facing of the truth. All in the course of an hour -- what a novel turn of events. I went from miscarriage-oriented to "I'm going to have a child." Wow ---

All seems to be well ...

I'm still on the miscarriage watch (wouldn't you be too, with my history?) but all seems to be well. Just hoping, oddly enough, that morning sickness hits, just to know it is still viable. Sick, I realize. But ever watchful and expecting the worst ...

5w2d, not bad, and the longest I have ever been pregnant before ...

Ultrasound on Thursday, 4 whole days away. The OHSS is still kicking. Swollen. Passing pain. We'll see. :) Hope everyone has a lovely day!

Happy 5 weeks!

Well, I have my 5 week ultrasound, check-in with the doc, and bloodwork. While the OHSS is not improving (my right ovary got even larger) all of my blood work and electrolyte balances look good. And apparently the gall bladder isn't too irritated from all this.

And then we get to my lovely little embryo. First, it measures 5w1d, a fast starter. And it has a yolk sac ... superb! I have an appointment to check for the heartbeat next Thursday. Maybe, maybe .. once that shows, less than 10% chance for miscarriage, so knocking on wood!

But the doc is unusually confident (his words) about my embryo. He said that embryo is kicking out so much hormone we all thought there was more than one in there, that he has no worries. It's robust, healthy, growing faster than its age ... it's a good embryo. What a feel good concept!

I sent my folks a Valentine's Day card from "Baby X", written in Baby X's voice. I included the ultrasound picture and said all the doctor had said, particularly about the early growth and hormone imbalance ... I think my parents will be tickled and are going to show that picture around. I'm actually planning on sending copies of the ultrsounds to my folks and brothers on a routine basis, maybe not every ultrsound but enough so that they all get excited about this .... it should be fun!

Well, until Thursday, it has been a wonderful week!

OHSS Day 2

No news, just wanted to share that being fat with fluid is no fun. My innards jiggle when I walk! But I did weigh myself ... 114. Not bad. Since I had to go out to Walmart to get a scale, I have no idea what I weighed prior to OHSS, so ...

I wonder if I can take the scale off of my taxes as a medically-required piece of equipment? LOL!

Will I Never Learn?

Well, folks, it's Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome! WHEE!

Nothing like a blanket scary statement to bring out the fear in all the folks also undergoing ovulation induction, huh? I called the fertility clinic yesterday to ask about the pain in my stomach. She told me to go to my GP. Good thing I did not! He would have palpated my stomach area and could have popped an ovary.

When I was large again today, I called and got someone else. I asked what my progesterone level was because I am bloated and thought they might be related. Well, hell, it's probably hyperstimulation. I immediately booked an emergency ultrasound for 30 minutes from then and got the confirmation of OHSS at the local doc's office who handles my monitoring. This doc is a bit angry that they (the clinic) allowed things to get this bad.

I have fluid in my ovaries and pelvic cavity. It's a mild to moderate case. But here's the rub - when you have OHSS and are pregnant, the HCG makes it continue or get worse. FUN! And when you consider my HCG is quadrupling every 3 days, well, it's not good. I now will be followed by this doc, and he sounds like he's had plenty of experience with it. I am to take it easy (I'd planned on working out tonight, so thank goodness we found out what it was) and drink fluids, weigh myself daily and make sure I urinate a lot. He'll do another ultrasound on Friday and check my bloods ...

They saw one embryonic sac on the ultrasound. :) Not two. Two babies would make the OHSS last longer. As it is, with one baby, it'll last a month. Of course, since the HCG is doubling and it is still early yet, the doc is thinking it may yet be twins ... hence the ultrasound on Friday.

The doc is also worried about my stomach pain, thinking perhaps the progesterone is inflaming my gallbladder, so I think that may be examined on Friday too. Ah, yeah, and my nausea? It COULD be early morning sickness, but then it is more likely OHSS. By the time I get over OHSS nausea, the real stuff will have arrived. Ah, what a lovely concept!

Don't I do such a good job of screwing things up? It's my life ... I just can't help it.

I did go out tonight and buy some pants. A lady told me I looked 6 months pregnant. Ha! But now I have about 5 pair of size 6P (I'm normally a 4P) pants, so instead of needing to go into maternity as I begin to show, I can wear these again, once the OHSS is gone. And they'll be great for after baby ... and of course, any other time I may have OHSS!

This is a risky time ... I'm just hoping and praying all goes well. I am so talented ...

3rd beta

OK, recap:
1st 2/3 Beta 42
2nd 2/6 Beta 204
3rd 2/9 Beta 828

Yes, progressing nicely. We get our first glimpse on the inside on Friday.

Morning sickness is here, full-fledged. I am also bloated beyond belief and hope that calms down ... it's not from gas, so I'm thinking perhaps it is all that progesterone my body is making.

I don't have progesterone numbers yet ... not too worried about them actually. I have decided I'm having twins due to the quadrupling every 3 days. I know, you can't put anything into the HCG numbers. But when you combine the HCG numbers with the progesterone, I think it's twins. Oh happy day.

Beta #2

Just for Pepper :)

Yes, Beta #2 is in. 204. Progesterone is again sky-high (but now even higher) at 326, if I recall my numbers correctly, and TSH got worse at 8.15. Yikes, what an exciting time! More news once the dertility clinic contacts me with their desires (i.e., let's stick a wand in there and get an idea what we are talking about). Nervous, getting excited, slightly fearful.

You would think with all that progesterone in my body I would be feeling some symptoms. None, nadah, huh uh. Not wishing on it, but just wondering when it's going to hit me. :)

Beta news

Well, as I sit here waiting for the phone to ring with beta #2 information, I think I should let you know that the nurse called me back the day after beta #1. The progesterone and TSH had both spiked. Progesterone was at 210 and the center likes it to be above 20. (WTF!!!!) Further, my TSH which was at 3.6 in December (and I upped my levothyroxine dosage then, trying to get to 1.0) was 8. Not good. So the nurse called in an increase on the thyroid hormone.

As far as the progesterone, she was very guarded. Silly woman -- doesn't she realize I need information? I have done my internet research, and it could be one of three things. Drumroll, please!

• I'm just a freak who makes progesterone naturally in abnormally high doses;
• I have a molar pregnancy, which means no growing embryo, or false pregnancy.
• I am expecting multiples.

So, in consideration of that woman who just had octuplets in California, I think the nurse was trying not to worry me. There is absolutely no way, aside from a freakishly outrageous beta today, to know, until we have ultrasound confirmation. So I am trying to eat well, sleep well, and behave myself, all to get to the next step. I'm not altogether sure I can pull off eating well for eight more months, so ...

Anyways, we will see about all this. I will keep you informed. I'd like to now give a shout out to all the folks who have been leaving me comments ... ya'll just perk up my day! Thanks so much!

OK, now I am going to go and stare at my cell phone ... it's like a stinking watched pot, you know? Until later!

Beta #1: 8dp3dt

Today is technically 12 dpo. I have a beta of 42. Since the nurse is not sure if the Ovidrel shot is out of my system, she is not getting excited yet (may I shoot her, please?) and will hold off until Friday from getting excited.

Well, all I can say is that the Ovidrel is always gone 10 days after I inject, and I injected 13 days ago. I tested Sunday night, nadah. No HCG to be found. So it is. I am pregnant. Holy cow, I am so tickled. Makes me want to go out and celebrate by eating some potato skins .. but I won't. I brought my lunch. I am going to tamp down on my frenetic YYYEEESSSS!!! and nuke my chili.

I need some serious heavenward prayers I won't kill this one. A beta of 42. Never been that far up before ...

Holy cow, I am PREGNANT!!!!!

Hot Flash Alert!

Awesome, hot flashes all day yesterday. I was buck naked in my 70 degree house, comfy as all can be. NOT my normal behavior (warm, not the naked part). I tested this morning and it was a light pink line. I went in for a blood test and am awaiting the number.

I realize it will be a low number which will mean nothing until I get the beta drawn again on Friday, but at least it is confirmation IF this turns out to be a chemical. They won't treat recurrent pregnancy loss witout confirmed m/c's and HPTs don't count.

So, pray for some whopper-roo numbers, like a 50 or so.