Leaping Hurdles - Choice Mom TTC

Nathaniel's Later NICU Days

2010-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

After Nathaniel weathered his first infection, it was somewhat smooth sailing to release, as long as you overlook one huge bump in the road.

He was moved to the Feed and Grow part of the NICU nursery. There, he got increased feeds, learned to not brady as much (bradycardia, which is forgeting to breathe), and slept a lot. We also kangaroo'd every day, for longer and longer stretches, until my rear end could handle 3 hours long. It was wonderful.

At some point, the nurses and I talked about me returning to my hometown. See, I was an hour and a half north of my home, staying in the Ronald McDonald House, eating in restaurants. While I was off for the summer, I needed to return to work at the university by mid-August. And it was nearing time. At one point, I moved home, just so I could mow my own lawn (saving $35 a week), read my mail, and feed the cats (a cat sitter had been doing it for $15 a day). The drive up and back was a killer, especially when I had to time it to be between my every-3-hours breastpumping sessions.

You see, babies can't suck until 34 weeks, so I had to pump every 3 hours (or less) for over 6 weeks, just like having to breastfeed a newborn. He was getting breast milk via a tube from his mouth into his stomach.

So, there we were, talking about Nathaniel being moved from the Level III NICU to the local Level II NICU, which would necessitate an ambulance ride and room in the new NICU. Well, the new NICU was full. All of a sudden one day, I got the notice that he was being transferred. In 30 minutes. A baby down in my hometown needed to come up to the NICU (he was critically ill and needed the additional services offered there), so Nathaniel had to hightail it down there to give the kid room up here for him to come.

In 30 minutes. Well, my son enjoyed his ambulance ride and suddenly, he was esconsed in his new NICU, which was markedly more informal and relaxed than the other NICU. I must say I grieved for the expertise of the first NICU unit, especially how the nurses had so many skills. The nurses in the new NICU were probably more experienced than I first anticipated; however, they did not use the same technical language I was accustomed to, so they just SEEMED to be less professional. I also did not like being referred to as Mom. I have a name ... and if I can remember a nurse's name, she can darned well remember mine.

Well, after I adjusted to the NICU, I realized my son had adjusted just fine. He was smiling, winning people over with his huge blue eyes and nosy personality. I insisted on Kangarooing, as usual, and belatedly saw I was the only one practicing it. Cultural differences, perhaps.

Things went well, Nathaniel cut back on his nasal cannula needs. He upped his feeds wel, tolerating the higher amounts. And I stopped breastfeeding. I'd seen lactation consultants galore. I tried different pumps (had 5 at my disposal), ate and drank what they told me to, got sleep, tried to smell Nathaniel's clothes, thought warm and fuzzy thoughts, and never got more than an ounce total each pumping session. And by this time, my son was taking two ounces a meal, so half his feeds were already coming from formula. Finally, out of desperation, I tried Reglan. Not the thing to give a woman already experiencing depressive issues (I was later diagnosed with PTSD). I crashed. It made my brain fuzzy, not something I wanted or needed. And it didn't work. So I quit.

And could not have been happier with the decision.

It wasn't until I met with the obstetrician that I fully understood why my body did not produce milk as well as it should have. First, I had an ultra preemie. He wasn't able to suckle. Then there was the major surgery, the C-section. Next, due to all the transfusions I'd had, my body was essentially in shock. Next, having a NICU baby was considerable stress (duh) and doing it solo, it was all on me, with a limited support system. Another factor was my gallbladder surgery, another major surgery. Last, I had PTSD from the experiences leading up to the delivery. So in all, my body was revolting, saying that this milk train was NOT leaving the station.

So Nathaniel was fed all formula from then on. While "breast is best" and all that, I was a formula baby myself and look how I turned out. Pfft! (BFing Nazis and I don't like each other.) It did soothe my heart to know that the only immunities I gave my son were in the colostrum, that regular breast milk does not provide any additional ones.

The major hiccup in all this was when Nathaniel developed reflux and no one paid any attention to the pain and discomfort he was in. I could not get the doctor to really see my child and figure out what was wrong. Nathaniel is my first, so I had no prior knowledge to work with. All I knew was that he was not a happy camper and something was wrong. The doctor said his trouble feeding was developmental and he was a boy, and boys take longer to develop. It was a load of crud. Yes, PART of my son's problem turned out to be developmental (an immature suck, for one), but the other part was all reflux. And no one was looking at him to figure it out.

I asked for a second opinion. Nada. I called my folks and ranted about this, tried to get OT and PT and Speech in to figure it out (no luck - they just parroted what the doctor said), and scoured the internet for help. I figured it out a good 6 days before the doctor, the scumbag. (Can you tell I'm just a BIT bitter about this???) Well, I strategized with my counselor (I was seeing her for the PTSD) and decided on a course of action. I walked in that Friday, down because I knew nothing could transpire that evening and so discouraged because no one was listening to me ... to find my son was FINALLY being treated for ... tadah! ... REFLUX!!! Come on, I am not the doctor, boneheads, you are! Why could you not see this before I did, it's a Neonatal INTENSIVE CARE UNIT?!!

OK, so they put him on Zantac (best thing since sliced bread) and riced his formula. We had issues from the start, clogging issues. The rice cereal blocked the nipple. I changed to Dr. Brown's. Still clogged. I went to cross-cut nipples. Still clogged. I felt like it was all equipment issues and since part of the problem was the immature suck, the poor kid could suck adn suck and suck away but he couldn't get it unclogged. A month passed as the poor kid get so sacked from his feeds, unable to drink all that the doctors required him to drink. And then 2 things happened.

One, a doctor advised GRINDING his rice before addition to the formula. This removed the clogging factor.

Next, the nutritionist recalculated his calorie count of the feeds, finally adding in the calorie count for the rice, and suddenly,my son was meeting and exceeding his required feeds on a daily basis.

Once this recalculation occured, it was obvious the kid was doing great. Along the way, though, he would have arching issues, a sign of discomfort from the reflux. The problem was not solved while in the NICU.

Also along the way, Nathaniel caught MRSA. He was colonized with it in his nostrils, which meant he had to be isolated from the general population and basically treated poorly, IMHO. Here he was, a term baby finally, and he lost all stimulation by being placed in isolation. It broke my heart and still, to this day, makes me furious that he was so treated. I realize hospitals have to contain the infection spread, but really, when you even agree it was hospital-acquired and not from Mommy, you should do everything you can to ensure the child does not suffer. And that means leaving him in the general population and not isolating him.

(We know he didn't catch it from me, since I have developed 2 MRSA infections since his release, once a boil in the nose and recently a boil on the back of my leg.) Let's hope this is over soon.

Well, one day I was told he was going home the next day. And I called my folks to have them come on up. It was a wonderful day when he was released. While I was a frantic worrywart (about infection control, mainly), I treasured finally having my son with me. And I shall leave it at that for tonight - I shall soon write about meeting the pediatric gastoenterologist, a life-changing event. :)

Nathaniel's Early NICU Days

2010-05-03T11:34:00.000-07:00

Nathaniel was a tiny little guy when he was born - 2 pounds, 8 ounces. He lived in the Acute care section of the NICU for about 8 days, during which he got his initial 2 transfusions (I'd lost a lot of blood, some of which was his), artifical surfactant, and several evaluations. He had Respiratory Distress Syndrome, a normal enough thing for 28 weekers with immature lung development (despite the steroid shots I got prior). Due to the RDS, Nathaniel was struggling to breathe, so the doctors ordered him hooked up to a ventilator. He was transferred from the regular vent to the oscillating vent within hours, to better enable him to breathe. The oscillator shakes the baby, keeping the alveoli inflated, a necessary step towards independent breathing. After the oscillator, he went back to the normal ventilator. At some point, he was extubated (the days are a bit hazy) and placed on vapotherm, which is a nasal cannula with moisturized oxygen/air. Nathaniel varied between 40% and 23% oxygen content. Room air is 23%.

A clergywoman blessed him on his first day of life, to my everlasting gratitude.

Nathaniel showed himself to be a fighter from the first day. He lifted his head and turned it to face the nurse before he was intubated, a show of strength and will. I'm hoping he glared at her, since she was the one who told me I had the "sickest baby in the NICU", not something ANY mother ever wants to have. And the shock was not necessary. I was ALREADY in shock, for goodness sakes.

While Nathaniel was in Acute Care, we kangaroo'd. Kangaroo care is a technique whereby the parent sits sans shirt, etc. skin-to-skin with the preemie. Preemies meanwhile will regulate their breathing to Mommy, maintain a steady temperature, and sink into a deep healing sleep. Kangaroo'd babies also gain weight faster. I became an avid Kangarooing Mommy. Helen, his nurse on the 5th day, said it was time to hold him. (I hadn't held him yet.) She placed him on my chest. I bawled. Copious, meaningful tears. Then he fell asleep. I was so worried I'd break him. I could not imagine holding him as casually as Helen did ... but it worked. We were together that first day for about 30 minutes. Helen took his measurements and he had stayed warm, his heart rate was fine, etc., and did I want to do it tomorrow?

Heck yes.

I have pictures of us on that 5th day, him so dark and red (from the transfusions), me so spindly pale (from the shock and fatigue). But he was so peaceful looking and I was so happy. I finally had my little boy.

On his 13th day of life, Nathaniel fell ill from a staph infection. The nurse caught it early, just from him not acting like himself (I guess he'd made no escape attempts that day) and put him back on the vent as well as on antibiotics. He never even got a fever from it, because preemies don't have an immune system to kick on with a fever. They are essentially sitting ducks. As I was getting updated on his status and felt a pain beginning in my lower abdomen. Thinking it was a panic attack, I told the nurse I was going to trust her, that I didn't feel so good, and that I was going to go lay down.

And laying down did not help, so I walked to the ER, a short elevator ride and hall hop away.

That night I got my gallbladder removed in emergency surgery. The poor physician's assistant who had to go get me a breast pump from the NICU could not imagine the single-minded devotion I had to taking care of my son. So Nathaniel was on the 9th floor recovering and I was on the 5th floor recovering.

The next morning, I bounded up to see him, as healthy as I could be with 4 holes in my abdominal region, and he had weathered the night very well. See what a fighter I have?

The Story

2010-04-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

On a Monday morning in July, I awoke to minimal bleeding when I used the toilet. I panicked. I wiped again, more bleeding. I knew it wasn't good.

For the next 20 minutes, I went from speaking with the on-call OB to wiping again, each time with more blood and clots and back to the phone. I awoke my parents (they were visiting for the night) and said I thought I was having a miscarriage, that I had to get to the hospital ASAP. I was 26 weeks.

At the hospital, they found that I was having premature labor contractions, that my water had broken, and that I was 1 cm dilated. Since the NICU at the hospital was unable to handle the needs of a 26 week gestational age baby, they had to transfer me to another hospital with a Level III NICU. I was pumped full of magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions and sent by ambulance an hour and a half away.

The mag sulfate stopped the contractions, the bleeding stopped, and the new doctor, a perinatologist (since I was now High Risk -- huh, fancy that), looked at the ultrasound results and decided my marginal previa must be acting like a complete previa. Still, he was hopeful it was a one-time only bleed. And since I had lost minimal amniotic fluid, it must have been a small tear in the sac. So I was placed on hospital bedrest for a week. If no new bleeds during that time and no resumption of labor, I could go home and do modified bedrest at home for the remainder of the pregnancy. Thank goodness I was on summer break from school!

Well, that week trial only lasted until Thursday. A small bleed, but it reset the clock. They did tests again, nothing. Still, they thought the previa looked marginal but was acting like a complete. As one doctor said, it was quacking like a duck, so it must be a duck.

It wasn't a duck.

I had a major bleed that Sunday, so major that I scared a tried-and-true labor and delivery nurse by the amount of blood and size of the clot I passed. (I thought it was the baby when it was coming out of me.) I got transfusions and my bleeding stopped. Crisis averted.

Another bleed occured Tuesday. Again, I scared people. (I got so good at that, too.) I had a serious blood pressure dip where the nurse was calling my name and I was unable to respond, just floating there thinking "yeah, what?" But no new blood was needed.

And then Thursday arrived, 11 days after I had first entered the hospital. For the first time, I bled during the daylight hours, at about 7:30 pm. (Always before, it was dark outside, although the bleeds were in the early morning.) And this time, I started bleeding while watching TV laying down. I was doing nothing and just felt the trickling oozing out of me. I stepped to the bedside toilet and had a massive gush. And rang the nurse call bell. When the nurse came in (it was the same one I had terrified prior), I told her I'd been "peeing" for about 2 minutes and I was scared, that surely it wasn't urine. It wasn't. She helped me get horizontal again and the ooze continued. Doctors rushed in, evaluations were made, and I heard the fatal words "no food or drink".

OK, time for an emergency C-section. I was all alone in the hospital and only had 25 minutes notice to let folks know. My labor coach was back home, too far away to help in the time allotted. Besides, I wasn't about to labor: they were pulling my son to save both of our lives. I couldn't reach my folks. In a panic, I called both brothers, told them the news and that I couldn't reach my parents. They took care of matters and right before I was wheeled in for surgery, got the call from my mom saying, "I love you. It will be all right."

And it was. The surgery was performed without a hitch and at 10:29 pm I heard a mewling, like a tiny kitten. It was my 2 lb, 8 oz. son crying. I got a brief glimpse of him before he was rushed to the NICU. Once I was stitched up, I went to the recovery room and was laced with morphine. Good stuff, that. Took the pain away.

Hours later, my brother arrived from a madcap dash from CT to upstate, central NY. He sat with me in the recovery room while we waited for the first trip to see my son. Finally, finally, they were ready for me. Up we went to see him. There he was on the warming table, tiny and dark, with these massive heels upright on the table. While the neonatologist was telling me his status, I marveled at his heels. Just the previous evening, we had played "Catch That Foot" as he kicked me black and blue. And here were the offenders, in person. Well, the little guy was healthy and a fighter, in good shape. Time would tell.

They led me down to the postpartum unit and I slept off the morphine and anesthesia. When I awoke, it was to a visitor (my labor coach and good friend) and a neonatologist ... my son needed breathing help so he was going to be intubated. Was that all right? I said, "Whatever you have to do." I totally did not understand what was going on.

A couple hours later, my brother escorted me up to see my son. And I realized the impact of everything, that this little tiny baby was fighting for his life. But. To foreshadow another day's posting, I have to say that he fought well and God held him in his hands for 115 days. He's now a rather robust (albeit thin) little wonder who won't stop pulling my hair or ears.

Puppy Dog Tails

2010-04-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

Update: In July, I experienced some bleeding and was ordered to go to Labor and Delivery at my local hospital. I was 26 weeks along. While there, they discovered the bleeding was pretty serious, my waters had ruptured, and I was in early labor. Fun! I was given magnesium sulfate by IV and transferred to a hospital which could handle the care of a 26 week old baby.

At the new hospital (an hour and a half from my home), they decided that the amniotic fluid was merely leaking, a small hole, and that it might heal on its own. This is, apparently, a common occurence. The mag stopped the contractions (they felt like Braxton Hicks contractions to me!) and the bleeding ceased. For then.

I was on hospital bedrest for a week and if there was no new bleeding, I could go home. Well, I held out 4 days. The docs were convinced it was my marginal previa acting like a complete - walking like a duck, quacking like a duck. Multiple ultrasounds later, it still looked marginal, but golly, this woman is bleeding!

Well, 3 hemorrhages later (and oodles and oodles of blood transfusions), they took my son from me at 28 weeks, 0 days (by ultrasound measurement). And discovered a rather nasty grade 3 abruption, albeit minus any of the pain you're supposed to have with the abruption.

And my son's journey began. I shall be updating the blog as time allows, but suffice it to be my son was in the NICU for 15 weeks. (3 weeks past his due date and wouldn't you like to see the final bill?) He has developmental delay, and no one is sure yet if the delay is simply prematurity or if there is something else like cerebral palsy involved. (We should know that in a year and a half conclusively.) And I have gone from a Choice Mom with a normal pregnancy to a Choice Mom with a preemie, an issue which kind of takes the cake and thought away from being an SMC. In other words, how he came about does not matter at all; instead, how can we address his issues and help him grow as much as possible? I think my lack of marital status matters naught. Yay! So, stay tuned. Will update when I get a chance (ha ha ha - like that is often).

No Infection

2009-05-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Good news! I don't have ANY infection. Apparently yellow foul-smelling discharge is going to be my normal. Yay! (Although, not having made a practice of previously smelling my discharge, how do I know what "foul" really smells like?)

Looking 6 months pregnant, but only 5. Interesting.

I got some books from Amazon and off of paperbackswap.com (a great deal, that one, just pay for postage to swap paperbacks). I am boning up on my baby information. Not having babysat a true infant in 30 years (yep, you read that right), I am woefully ignorant of infant's needs. Here are some things I learned:

Babies don't need to be bathed every day. Every 2 or 3 days is fine and is recommended by doctors to keep their skin from drying out.
Babies need manicures on a frequent basis because their fingernails grow so quickly. OTOH, their toenails grow much slower.
Breastfed babies typically experience bowel movements after every feeding, so be prepared for constant diaper changes, above and beyond formula diaper changes.
Use of cloth diapers really does decrease the incidence of diaper rash. (I thought it was cloth diaper propaganda, but the doctors said so.) Expect diaper rash between 3-6 months of age.
Smiling occurs after 3 months of age.
Separation anxiety is normal at 12 months. This worries me since my son will be 10 months when he starts F/T daycare again after a summer at home with me.

Anyways, just some of the fun stuff I learned. I am reading a book about the colic period too, and this doctor has a set method for handling it ... among the suggestions is using a vacuum cleaner in his presence. I'm still reading but it seems to be just 1 guy's opinion, not shared by the other books. We'll see ... 15 minutes of fame and all that.

So, until next time. Have a happy! :)

My Latest Appointment

2009-05-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Well, today was my anatomical ultrasound. All was going very well ... five fingers on one hand (the other scrunched by his face), five toes (never saw the other foot), cute as a button nose, legs and arms, good upper lip (no cleft palate), great spine, excellent heart and heartrate, empty bladder and stomach, just an overall good wiggly baby. Apparently, since I have a rear-facing placenta and am so darned skinny, I should be feeling him kicking. Nothing. And he is so wiggly. (He really detests the ultrasound wand pressing, too.) The placenta looks good except ... drumroll please ... it was low-lying, until she got a better look. Then, it was near the edge, until she got a different angle. Now, it is on the edge. She said it was partial placenta previa, but everything on the internet has said it is a marginal previa. Whichever, I could use some prayers that it resolves itself. My research found that 90% DO resolve themselves, so here is hoping. Of course, it is this time that I must remind myself that if there is a minimal chance of having something, I always win that lottery ... if only it was minimal chances of GREAT things occuring!

Next, I told her about some yellow discharge ... pee in the cup routine. I had an internal exam where 2 cultures were made and they are being sent off to the lab ... so we will see in a couple days. The doctor thinks it is Group B Strep since it wasn't any of the STDs they test for there in their lab. Simple round of antibiotics ... ho hum.

Oooh, dizzy spell just now. Still going on, too. Fascinating. OK, gone.

So, then the doc said I had blood in my urine ... what else can happen? I checked with my mother and yes, I remembered correctly. She has had blood in her urine for over 20 years and I've had it for about 7. So perhaps it is nothing. Mom has a miniscule amount and so too did I today. So here is hoping ....

We also discussed my constipation issues. Basically, I don't go for a week, which is when I clean out (per my OB's directions) with laxative and enema. But this is for the birds ... so she said to take magnesium with my prenatal and then also to take stook softeners every night. I am also being referred to a nutitionist to perhaps address my fiber intake issues. Basically, last time I met recommended daily fiber requirements, I lost 15 pounds. And one can't do that until AFTER Little One has arrived. So ... we'll see what this one says!

So, no good news ... well, unless you count the fact that that Little One looks wonderful, is 9 ounces already, and wiggly as all can be. Another appointment in 4 weeks, so ... have a happy one!

18 weeks along

2009-05-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

Well, things are going really well with Little One. I am 18w2d today, showing quite obviously, and no issues, other than traditional constipation and daily headaches. The constipation is so bad I have resorted to abnormal methods to take care of the problem (as advised by my OB), just so that I have the room in my abdomen for eating. Here's the rub ... I have gained NOTHING since my appointment 2 weeks ago. So, not good. Gotta figure out a way to get the food in and the processed food out. :)

I have a lot of suppies for my son already. I bought a lot of things used off of Craigslist ... crib for $30, changing table for $20, bathtub for $5, Chicco travel system for $170, all sorts of goodies for major discounts. Now all I need to do is load up on medicinals and clth diapers and I will be on my way. I'm saving some things for showers ... oh yeah, and the breast pump. I doubt anyone would give me one, so I just have to figure out how to get on cheaply.

Other than all that, not much is new.

Have a great day!

Very long time, huh?

2009-04-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

I must admit: I have been among the missing. When last I updated, I was pregnant but awaiting a likely miscarriage, since I rarely get good TTC news. Well, the kid has stuck. He's in there, yes, sirree, he's growing big and strong.

I had my CVS last Thursday and I am expecting a chromosomally normal boy. The CVS doctor said his placenta looks great (no previa present). My OB said I am doing fine but she would like me to gain weight, not lose it. Whoops. I lost 2 pounds because the constipation makes me feel full. So this weekend, I got rid of everything as much as I could and I can eat a bit more.

I had little nausea and no vomiting during the first trimester. The little nausea I had was relieved by food, so as long as I ate and drank with regularity, he was a pleased little one. The exhaustion was a killer. I did not realize how tired I had been until it started easing week 9. I think the extra corpeus luteums finally died out and stopped producing so much progesterone. Of course, I'm not a doctor so I really don't know. Call it a hunch.

I am definitely getting fat. I show in my tight clothes, so I have been finding some loose ones to wear until I am ready to come out of the closet. I just worry over how a colleague will handle it, so I want some other things to occur before I let on that I am expecting. I just don't know how much more I can do ... at some point someone is going to notice just how much larger my stomach is than my breasts and AHAH! You're pregnant!

My mother has gone apeshit, in my opinion. I have clothes and things for this baby coming out of my ears. She is now off to buy me a 2nd crib (at least she's getting it off of Craigslist) so I can have one in his bedroom and another in the dining room on the 1st floor. She doesn't want Little One to sleep in a Pack and Play -- even though tons of babies DO, hey, it's not good enough for him!

So, that is that. On the other news front (i.e., real life), I started collecting seeds for my vegetable garden. My OB said no to herbicides (no Round Up), pesticides (no bug killer) and no fertilizer, so I guess I'm going organic this year! LOL! I can paint the baby's room now - yay! And I'm still trying to figure out how to make a lawnmower shed down in my 3rd level. We'll see. Maybe Dad will come visit and build it for me? :) Or not. Who knows?

So, I am basically quite happy about things. A little uncertain about work and dang if my house has not yet sold (I never intended to own 2 homes, blast the economy), but on the whole reasonably happy.

Will write soonish ... promise ...

So I'm a Worrywart ........

2009-03-02T07:27:00.001-08:00

I went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. But first, a little background -- I last wrote on Saturday that my symptoms were all gone or had never appeared, so I was confused it was a missed misscarriage. Mond you, I didn't want that, but that's what I thought ... I felt FINE. And then Sunday it hit. Nausea. My body will not do crab cakes. Nor gravy. It says NO. And when the body says NO like that, I listen. Hot flashes, just getting so warm I feel like I'm going to keel, and then nothing, so I am freezing.

So, that was yesterday. Today, I went in for the u/s and we have a baby measuring 7w4d (real age: 7w2d) with a heartbeat of 154. Phew. Relief. I'm getting thyroid levels checked and the doc gave me seabands to help with the nausea. (I feel much better. Now can we do something about the constipation?)

So, all in all, a good appointment. And I am apparently the most worry-wart person out there.

Oh yeah, and the OHSS is STILL there. The pooch I have is not from the baby, it's still the hyperstimulation. Grrr. I want a flat-belly belly shot!

Worried Yet Again

2009-02-28T06:31:00.000-08:00

Only 2 days to go until I get another ultrasound and my bloodwork. I have not had the morning sickness others complain about -- my few incidences with nausea are gone. I have had no cramping, no spotting or bleeding, nothing else to give me any thoughts about it conclusively, but I think it has ceased to grow. I really should have insisted on an ultrasound yesterday so I wouldn't spend the weekend obsessing over this ... but the didn't want me to have one anyways since all looked so good, so I guess this is the next best thing.

Grrr ..... I have the patience and temper of a 3 year old with a toy just out of reach.

On the other side, I think I've made some decisions about what to say to the OB. This is graphic. When I was 12 and had my finger set after being smashed to bits, they tried the Novocaine in the finger 6 times. After the 6th shot (and the doctor wanted to go home), my pinky was still feeling simple touches. He said, "This is going to hurt" and manually reformed my finger, moving it back into position (it was hanging off to the side of my hand) and then proceeded to wrap and splint it. I screamed like a banshee. It HURT! My mother, of course, held onto my hand the whole time and my brothers stood with their mouths gaped open. Afterwards, the doctor explained that some people just don't process the meds the right way and when it became obvious this local anaesthetic was not going to take, he had to do it with no warning, no time for me to anticipate the pain. It simply had to be done. Well, I got over it (with large doses of Tylenol). Another time when I went in for a tooth filling, they had to inject 4 Novocaine shots to deaden a tooth. It almost worked ... I still had some feeling but the pain was deadened.

Now we get to the narcotic sensitivity. The dextro- drug found in cough medicine lays me out. I take 2 teaspoons (the amount indicated for children 12-16 years old) and I am catatonic for hours. I've taken cough meds for toddlers - still wacky. The last time I took cough medicine, I used the baby formula (probably now off the market) and the infant size dose, and I was drunk as a skunk a day later. I was also prescribed Ativan in college by a doctor (he thought I was stressed) and I was a crumpled mass of body, unable to move legs or arms, crying in the hall, no bodily control. And that wasn't even the whole pill. I'd split it into 1/4. Another time the doctor prescribed Vicodin for back pain, when I was having a bad reaction to a cholesterol-lowering drug. I know I came up for air occasionally, but I basically spent a week sleeping face first on my couch.

Now let me tell you about Benadryl. I have an anaphylactic reaction to lemon. When we were first investigating why I was having these allergy attacks (we did not know I was allergic to lemon at this point), I was told to take 2 Benadryl when my lips started to swell. Exactly 20 minutes later, I was a catatonic mass. We didn't clue in on it right away, so there I would be sitting and my mom would ask me a question and I would answer, albeit in my mind and not out loud. My body just did not work. So my little brother would have to pick me up from my chair and take me to the sofa and lay me out. Four hours later, I would be back, but no sooner. So we eventually learned that 1 Benadryl equals 2 hours' sleep. We also learned that although the directions for Benadryl say you may experience drowsiness, they really didn't know the extent to which my body reacted ... so 1 was usually best. I still only take 1 Benadryl when I am having a reaction, due in part to the fact that I live alone and need enough consciousness to get to an ER if the attack turns worse than it started.

OK, so here we have a body that does not respond well or predictably to different medications. I am super-sensitive when it comes to narcotics and anti-histamines and not as sensitive when it comes to the -caine family. I don't know what this means but I do know I prefer we work with the known and given. For instance, during the egg retrieval, they only used 2 of their regular 4 drugs on me and the 2 they used worked to a hyper degree than they anticipated. Can we find out what those drugs were and how much was used and how quickly I went under? In other words, let's not use the regular known childbirth drug protocol, let's adjust it for the lightweight I am. I wonder if that is possible? Well, it certainly is going to be something I plan to discuss with her.

Of course, all this rides on the embryo continuing to be alive ... so I think I will bid adieu and go worry over some food. Food is balm for the soul, right? :)

Heartbeat Seen

2009-02-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well, another milestone has been struck. On 5w6d, I got an ultrasound which revealed that not only was the embryo still alive, there was a very strong heartbeat of 143 bpm (week 6 it's supposed to be in the 90s). Yay! The embryo measures at 4 mm. It measures at 6w1d, which is 2 days ahead.

It's like all along, this little embryo has been determined to outperform the standards. First, high HCG, quadrupling when it was supposed to double, outrageous progesterone, and now above standard growth and strong heartbeat.

The OHSS is a bit better. The ovaries are shrinking and more fluid is in my pelvic cavity (hence the pain I was feeling, due to the cavity becoming inflamed from that fluid). It's still just a waiting game ...

After the ultrasound, I spoke with the nurse practitioner - she is connected to the infertility doctor, not the OB/gyn section. She was trying to release me to an OB. I was like, wait! I'm still in miscarriage territory.

She didn't say it outright, but she made me think these thoughts with everything else she did say - I have been so worried about miscarriage, it's almost like I've been expecting it. I had not realized cognitively or emotionally that we were working with probable birth. I am now at 90%+ likelihood of a child, so it is time to pick an OB. I have to pick an OB because that's who will be in charge of me - because I am no longer infertile. Shoot, talk about having to reframe your expectations and operating methods!

I sat down and tried to come up with criteria and thoughts .... something I had not yet done because I wasn't thinking I'd need one until 13 weeks. So I now have thoughts - I need an OB who:

is laid back yet does all the required tests, etc. Basically, if something is worrying her, she dances around it and lets me know WHEN it is important, no prior to. I am a compulsive worrier so it is better to make light of things until I need to worry.
acknowledges I am an intelligent woman yet can handle my ignorance well. Not having had children before nor taken much interest in the process, I am kind of clueless to this whole thing.
has some sort of nurse-line or something so that when something is bothering me at 2 in the morning, I can call and ask questions.
understands I want to walk the line between me having little natural pain tolerance and not wanting narcotics at the birth. I have a sensitivity to narcotics and narcotic-like medications and am basically a lighter-weight lightweight than a baby when it comes to the substances. Cough medicine makes me catatonic ... and true narcotics are killer. For goodness sake, 1 benadryl puts me under!
I really don't care who is between my legs when I give birth. I figure I will be panting, screeching, moaning, etc., so much that whomever is down there will be immaterial. So the person who actually delivers me is moot. Instead, give me someone good in the meantime, before it is time for business. Establish enough trust with me by holding my hand through these months and I will behave for the birth. Maybe. :)

So, those are my qualifications. I made an appointment with the most laid-back OB they have. So far, I am not high-risk.

So -- a revised understanding of my predicament, a facing of the truth. All in the course of an hour -- what a novel turn of events. I went from miscarriage-oriented to "I'm going to have a child." Wow ---

All seems to be well ...

2009-02-15T08:18:00.000-08:00

I'm still on the miscarriage watch (wouldn't you be too, with my history?) but all seems to be well. Just hoping, oddly enough, that morning sickness hits, just to know it is still viable. Sick, I realize. But ever watchful and expecting the worst ...

5w2d, not bad, and the longest I have ever been pregnant before ...

Ultrasound on Thursday, 4 whole days away. The OHSS is still kicking. Swollen. Passing pain. We'll see. :) Hope everyone has a lovely day!

Happy 5 weeks!

2009-02-14T02:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I have my 5 week ultrasound, check-in with the doc, and bloodwork. While the OHSS is not improving (my right ovary got even larger) all of my blood work and electrolyte balances look good. And apparently the gall bladder isn't too irritated from all this.

And then we get to my lovely little embryo. First, it measures 5w1d, a fast starter. And it has a yolk sac ... superb! I have an appointment to check for the heartbeat next Thursday. Maybe, maybe .. once that shows, less than 10% chance for miscarriage, so knocking on wood!

But the doc is unusually confident (his words) about my embryo. He said that embryo is kicking out so much hormone we all thought there was more than one in there, that he has no worries. It's robust, healthy, growing faster than its age ... it's a good embryo. What a feel good concept!

I sent my folks a Valentine's Day card from "Baby X", written in Baby X's voice. I included the ultrasound picture and said all the doctor had said, particularly about the early growth and hormone imbalance ... I think my parents will be tickled and are going to show that picture around. I'm actually planning on sending copies of the ultrsounds to my folks and brothers on a routine basis, maybe not every ultrsound but enough so that they all get excited about this .... it should be fun!

Well, until Thursday, it has been a wonderful week!

OHSS Day 2

2009-02-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

No news, just wanted to share that being fat with fluid is no fun. My innards jiggle when I walk! But I did weigh myself ... 114. Not bad. Since I had to go out to Walmart to get a scale, I have no idea what I weighed prior to OHSS, so ...

I wonder if I can take the scale off of my taxes as a medically-required piece of equipment? LOL!

Will I Never Learn?

2009-02-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

Well, folks, it's Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome! WHEE!

Nothing like a blanket scary statement to bring out the fear in all the folks also undergoing ovulation induction, huh? I called the fertility clinic yesterday to ask about the pain in my stomach. She told me to go to my GP. Good thing I did not! He would have palpated my stomach area and could have popped an ovary.

When I was large again today, I called and got someone else. I asked what my progesterone level was because I am bloated and thought they might be related. Well, hell, it's probably hyperstimulation. I immediately booked an emergency ultrasound for 30 minutes from then and got the confirmation of OHSS at the local doc's office who handles my monitoring. This doc is a bit angry that they (the clinic) allowed things to get this bad.

I have fluid in my ovaries and pelvic cavity. It's a mild to moderate case. But here's the rub - when you have OHSS and are pregnant, the HCG makes it continue or get worse. FUN! And when you consider my HCG is quadrupling every 3 days, well, it's not good. I now will be followed by this doc, and he sounds like he's had plenty of experience with it. I am to take it easy (I'd planned on working out tonight, so thank goodness we found out what it was) and drink fluids, weigh myself daily and make sure I urinate a lot. He'll do another ultrasound on Friday and check my bloods ...

They saw one embryonic sac on the ultrasound. :) Not two. Two babies would make the OHSS last longer. As it is, with one baby, it'll last a month. Of course, since the HCG is doubling and it is still early yet, the doc is thinking it may yet be twins ... hence the ultrasound on Friday.

The doc is also worried about my stomach pain, thinking perhaps the progesterone is inflaming my gallbladder, so I think that may be examined on Friday too. Ah, yeah, and my nausea? It COULD be early morning sickness, but then it is more likely OHSS. By the time I get over OHSS nausea, the real stuff will have arrived. Ah, what a lovely concept!

Don't I do such a good job of screwing things up? It's my life ... I just can't help it.

I did go out tonight and buy some pants. A lady told me I looked 6 months pregnant. Ha! But now I have about 5 pair of size 6P (I'm normally a 4P) pants, so instead of needing to go into maternity as I begin to show, I can wear these again, once the OHSS is gone. And they'll be great for after baby ... and of course, any other time I may have OHSS!

This is a risky time ... I'm just hoping and praying all goes well. I am so talented ...

3rd beta

2009-02-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

OK, recap:
1st 2/3 Beta 42
2nd 2/6 Beta 204
3rd 2/9 Beta 828

Yes, progressing nicely. We get our first glimpse on the inside on Friday.

Morning sickness is here, full-fledged. I am also bloated beyond belief and hope that calms down ... it's not from gas, so I'm thinking perhaps it is all that progesterone my body is making.

I don't have progesterone numbers yet ... not too worried about them actually. I have decided I'm having twins due to the quadrupling every 3 days. I know, you can't put anything into the HCG numbers. But when you combine the HCG numbers with the progesterone, I think it's twins. Oh happy day.

Beta #2

2009-02-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Just for Pepper :)

Yes, Beta #2 is in. 204. Progesterone is again sky-high (but now even higher) at 326, if I recall my numbers correctly, and TSH got worse at 8.15. Yikes, what an exciting time! More news once the dertility clinic contacts me with their desires (i.e., let's stick a wand in there and get an idea what we are talking about). Nervous, getting excited, slightly fearful.

You would think with all that progesterone in my body I would be feeling some symptoms. None, nadah, huh uh. Not wishing on it, but just wondering when it's going to hit me. :)

Beta news

2009-02-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

Well, as I sit here waiting for the phone to ring with beta #2 information, I think I should let you know that the nurse called me back the day after beta #1. The progesterone and TSH had both spiked. Progesterone was at 210 and the center likes it to be above 20. (WTF!!!!) Further, my TSH which was at 3.6 in December (and I upped my levothyroxine dosage then, trying to get to 1.0) was 8. Not good. So the nurse called in an increase on the thyroid hormone.

As far as the progesterone, she was very guarded. Silly woman -- doesn't she realize I need information? I have done my internet research, and it could be one of three things. Drumroll, please!

I'm just a freak who makes progesterone naturally in abnormally high doses;
I have a molar pregnancy, which means no growing embryo, or false pregnancy.
I am expecting multiples.

So, in consideration of that woman who just had octuplets in California, I think the nurse was trying not to worry me. There is absolutely no way, aside from a freakishly outrageous beta today, to know, until we have ultrasound confirmation. So I am trying to eat well, sleep well, and behave myself, all to get to the next step. I'm not altogether sure I can pull off eating well for eight more months, so ...

Anyways, we will see about all this. I will keep you informed. I'd like to now give a shout out to all the folks who have been leaving me comments ... ya'll just perk up my day! Thanks so much!

OK, now I am going to go and stare at my cell phone ... it's like a stinking watched pot, you know? Until later!

Beta #1: 8dp3dt

2009-02-03T10:34:00.000-08:00

Today is technically 12 dpo. I have a beta of 42. Since the nurse is not sure if the Ovidrel shot is out of my system, she is not getting excited yet (may I shoot her, please?) and will hold off until Friday from getting excited.

Well, all I can say is that the Ovidrel is always gone 10 days after I inject, and I injected 13 days ago. I tested Sunday night, nadah. No HCG to be found. So it is. I am pregnant. Holy cow, I am so tickled. Makes me want to go out and celebrate by eating some potato skins .. but I won't. I brought my lunch. I am going to tamp down on my frenetic YYYEEESSSS!!! and nuke my chili.

I need some serious heavenward prayers I won't kill this one. A beta of 42. Never been that far up before ...

Holy cow, I am PREGNANT!!!!!

Hot Flash Alert!

2009-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Awesome, hot flashes all day yesterday. I was buck naked in my 70 degree house, comfy as all can be. NOT my normal behavior (warm, not the naked part). I tested this morning and it was a light pink line. I went in for a blood test and am awaiting the number.

I realize it will be a low number which will mean nothing until I get the beta drawn again on Friday, but at least it is confirmation IF this turns out to be a chemical. They won't treat recurrent pregnancy loss witout confirmed m/c's and HPTs don't count.

So, pray for some whopper-roo numbers, like a 50 or so.

6dp3dt

2009-02-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

Auugh, the waiting game. Too soon to test, too much time to wait. I would say it was killing me but I am oh so healthy.

The Prometrium is doing fine. I have cleavage, a nice side effect, and the breasts aren't all that painful. (On a scale of 1 to 10, an 8. I've had worse. Hee hee.) Itsy bitsy twinges down there, nothing nearing a cramp. Darn. And I'm not felling the least bit weird, like urinating frequently or having hot flashes. So ...

Either it's too early or my five little embryos failed to implant.

On the great side, though, I discovered rootbeer. Rootbeer is non-caffeinated. It tastes great (perhaps a bit sweet) but hits the soda spot when it should call.

Well, I'll post with updates. Hopeful but frustrated and wanting a positive or definitive negative NOW. Did I mention I have no patience?

I'll think on that -- to see how that lack will affect my ability to mother. :)

IVF #1 Update

2009-01-27T06:10:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, I guess I haven't written in a while. A lot has occured, a lot that has taken up my time. OK, here goes.

On the day I had 10 follicles, I got my blood drawn. It was very painful and the phlebotomist hurt me. She even wanted me to hug her afterwards, I think to make HER feel better when all I wanted to do was inflict reciprocal amounts of pain on her.

That day, my inner elbow was bruised and sore, nothing new when I have my blood drawn. The next day, more sore, but it would be gone soon, stop being a baby. I even went and worked out. There was some pain when it came to the pushups but doable, nonetheless.

Friday, I could not hold my arm above my head without pain shooting down my arm. I spoke with the ultrasound tech at the doctor's office (I was getting monitoring done again) and she asked if my lymph node was swollen. I felt, and no, I didn't think so, but then, I don't know where my lymph node was! (I am such a clueless wonder at times!)

So, the tech did my ultrasound. 11 follicles, growing nicely! She thought she would see me on Monday so I made an appointment for then. I went down for the blood draw and asked for a different vampire than the blond, kinky-haired pain-maker. We used my left arm and it all went well. My arm still continued to hurt during the day, but really only when I pulled the arm, such as stretching it out fully or so. I decided to not stretch my arm out and things went pretty well.

I was told by the fertility clinic to increase my follistim to 375.

All was good until I dressed for bed that night. It was a Friday night and a naked body shows WAY too much. I had a dark pink streak from my underarm running down to the inner elbow at the blood draw site. There were two suspicious looking very pink raised areas on the inner upper arm. They were tender to the touch, as was the pink streak, as was my inner arm. I did not feel an enlarged lymph node, but again, I am not a doctor and don't quite know where it is.

I got worried. Was this related to the ovulation induction protocol or the blood draw? Is it serious (like a clot) or minor? After all, if I didn't stretch it, it did not hurt. What to do? So I called my health plan nurseline. She said for me to call the fertility clinic health line because it could be cellulitis or it could be something else, that the fertility-related things would have to be ruled out. OK, called the fertility nurse line. No, she thought it sounded like a GP thing. OK, called the GP number. Of course my doctor's office has no Saturday hours but I could go to a walk-in clinic. All the while I am chasing this down I am thinking "My IVF is coming up!"

Saturday I had to teach all day, 9:30-4:30. The clinic closed at 5:00. Grrr. I went back the next day and saw a very nice doctor. She thought it wasn't a clot because overnight the pink streak had disappeared and the pink lumps/bumps had decreased in swelling but were yellow and purple bruises. Further, the pain was now in my lower forearm! It was in the meaty section of the right arm, which meant it hurt more often due to stretching that arm to write, type, etc. The doctor thought it was a pool of blood (internal bleeding) from the blood draw, a reason why the draw was so painful. Apparently, the phlebotomist nicked the vein when she was trying to get in, then got in somewhere else, leaving the nicked area to bleed. She thought it was fade in time.

Monday I had my ultrasound ... 14 wonderful follicles, all growing nicely. It looked like the retrieval would be Friday. My bloods were fine. I went in for monitoring on Wednesday and got the call ... retrieval on Friday, get ready! I had 11 follicles still; however, 2 would probably not contain eggs because they were still on the small side (9 and 10 respectively) and could not get up to 15 in 2 days without follistim. I took my Ovidrel shot Wednesday night and arranged my affairs.

Meanwhile my arm still hurt.

Friday morning, my friend took me to the fertility clinic. We went over my health history and all those allergies (yes, I am allergic to 13 drugs but only recall the names of perhaps 7 -- whoops). I told them about my hypersensitivity to narcotics and narcotic-like substances. Guess what? The drugs for the anaesthesia were ALL narcotics! OK, no problem, just be aware. Oh yeah, and I'm little too, so keep that in mind (5'2", 114 lbs.). He would do so ...

The anaesthesiologist told me I would feel a bit woozy first (yeah, felt it) and then that's all she wrote. When they woke me up, they said:

they got 11 eggs (holy cow!)
I am a lightweight for sure. They had intended to use 4 drugs for the anaesthesia and when I went out with the woozy one, they never even had to use two of the other, deeper ones with me. They'd never had anyone not need the others!

So, I awoke instantly. I was not woozy, light on the feet, or light-headed. I was fine. I walked out, met my friend, and we traversed home. That night, I took the first pill of my antibiotic. And the arm finally stopped hurting after that first pill. (Wonder what it was?)

Saturday, I heard only 4 eggs fertilized. I was crestfallen. Only four out of 11 retrieved? How? Why not more? And then I was reminded I am 40, after all. OK, attitude readjustment. Think warmly about those 4.

I went in for my transfer on Monday and the doctor, bless his warm heart, told me there were five embryos growing well! Five!!! It turns out one was a late bloomer, a slow grower, but it looked wonderful that day. How many would I like to transfer? As many as he would allow. He grinned, folded the picture of my embryos up, placed them in my hands as he said, "OK." It took a millisecond to realize he was going to do all five!

So I had to concentrate on five bouncing little embryos ... I wanted to warmly receive them. They were transfered in such a wonderful way, like an IUI and I have been walking around ever since knowing there are 5 potential babies fighting for life inside of me.

I am not thinking I will have 5 babies. With my age and miscarriage history, we'll be lucky to get one. But five DOES increase the odds a bit. And now I just have to perk my little ones for 10 more days. We'll see ... please hope for success.

My prayers have been going heavenward for weeks. I have thanked God for letting the follicles grow so well, I have thanked Him for the number of follicles, for keeping ovulation at bay, for it all going so wonderfully. I have thanked him for my 11 (not 9) egg retrieval and for my 5 (not 4) embryos. I feel like this is the time, that the stars are all aligning and something special is happening. I am so happy and peaceful ... I would love to thank God for creating the life within me in a few short weeks. We'll see ... we have many hurdles to leap (such a resounding thing with me!) in the meantime.

I hope everyone has a great day. God bless late bloomers!

10 follicles!

2009-01-14T16:55:00.000-08:00

I am on CD 7. I went in this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound after 5 days' worth of follistim at 300 units, and probably 2 weeks' worth of 10 (then reduced to 5) units of Lupron. I have 6 follicles on my right side, ranging from 11 to 5, and 4 follies on the left side, ranging from 10 to 4. My bloodwork looks great and the docs have me tentatively scheduled for retrieval next Wednesday, a week from today. Yay!

All I need are prayers that I will NOT ovulate over the Lupon. It really got to me last cycle when that happened. I am on 5 units of Lupron again and when they reduced me to 5 at the beginning of the cycle, I questioned that decision ... after all, 5 didn't work, so why try it again? Apparently, follistim won't work at 10, so it had to be 5. I'm not sure just what they are going to do if/when my progesterone begins to rise ... is there any way they could cut it off? So, anyways, here's hoping, right?

I picked a new sperm donor today. Yes, I really liked my previous one a lot. He did succeed in getting the fertilization to occur. However, it was losing its magic. This new one has a high IQ, good height/weight ratio, and has some success. We'll see if he does the trick!

I'm still not sure just what I am going to do for the retrieval. I know I need someone to accompany me, considering the fact that I will be under anaesthesia. However, I don't want to ask anyone to accompany me ... we'll see. Perhaps I will call up a friend of mine and see if he could swing it on his day off (friend, folks, friend). I would just much rather take a cab to a hotel and stay until the wooziness disappears. I'll ask on Friday if I can do this ...

Well, all is well here. Gotta go hit the homework!

IUI #11 BFN

2008-12-08T17:05:00.000-08:00

Yes, IUI #11 is a negativo. But that's okay. I'm learning with every step I take to be a bit resigned to the negatives.

I got the call from the clinic. I am not pregnant (duh, somehow the period told me). Since I am doing IVF for real this coming time, they are going to start me on the IVF Flare protocol, which means I will begin with Lupron prior to my next period. On Dec. 27th, I start with 10 units of Lupron. YES!!! I ovulate over 5 so they opt for 10. Now THAT is a reaction!

So I am basically taking a month off. A lovely month in which I can bare my tummy for all to see (too bad it;s December here in the cold wilds of upstate NY). A lovely month in which I can forget to take a drug and nothing will happen. A lovely month in which I don;t have to worry about injections. Ahhh ....

So, no news folks. I'll order my swimmers next year and maybe get reimbursed for them!

Have a merry time of it everyone!

IUI #11

2008-11-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

Well, I had IUI #11, rather uneventful. At the end, though, it got interesting. I was prescribed Lovenox, a blood thinner, to help with recurrent pregnancy loss, what they now consider me due to age and 2 chemicals. So, I am presently dealing with that turn of events, getting myself convinced I can inject myself once daily with a med that everyone says leaves nasty bruises and stings as it goes in. Wonderful! I think I'll start tomorrow AM but am not sure. It's hard to think about.

Other than that, most is well. I have some pain from my ovaries, a nagging ache most of the time, except when I use my muscles to sit on the edge of the toilet seat to urinate. Urination is by gravity (no bearing down at all). This is worrisome. I'm hoping it disappears by tomorrow or I may call the clinic to ask about it. I hate being such a pest, really. It's just the unknown and not knowing if it's fine or if I should be worried about it.

2 week wait ... maybe, just maybe!

IVF Gone Bust

2008-11-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with my clinic. I had my second ultrasound and bloods this morning for IVF with injectables. (First were Wednesday.) Even though I am taking 5 IU Lupron to hold off ovulation, my body went ahead and is surging with 2 large follicles (25, 20) and lots of tinier follicles (12, 8, 7, 6, 6, 5) ... Hey! I'm good! If I can screw it up, I will! And it is only CD 7! So, I am to take Ovidrel tonight at 6:pm and go in tomorrow morning for an IUI.

This was my first foray into injectables and since my insurance will pick up my IVF, we were just going to go ahead with that. The retrieval was set for next Wednesday. Ho hum. So now we know some things. 1) 225 follistim doesn't get me much. I was bumped up to 300 on Wednesday and that's where all those little ones came from. 2) 5 Lupron does not hold off ovulation. I don't know what next month's protocol will be but I imagine it won't have 5 IUI Lupron again. 3) Injectables are easy, even for a self-acknowledged needle-phobic. And I did it all last night without first icing the area down! (We're talking major progress.) 4) My first IVF is now still off into the hinterlands. I'm getting really good at IUIs (#11 coming up tomorrow).

Beginning IVF cycle!

2008-11-16T07:58:00.000-08:00

Well, changes abound. I got AF on Friday and called the fertility center. Since I was out of town, I finagled a deal where I went to my old RE's office for bloods and ultrasound. I have 3 follicles in one ovary and 5 in the other. Upon talking it over with my old RE's nurse, I decided to go for IVF, especially since it is covered by insurance completely. So, I spoke with the clinic ... I began IVF meds last night (Saturday) and will probably have retrieval the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving. Fun! So, I took two shots. Lupon, 5 cc's, easy as pie, and Follistim, 225 cc's, not as easy but not hard either. It was just tough figuring out how to press the plunger ... holding it like an insulin needle did not work so I had to change to thumb depression and that worked. It's just a different finger configuration. OHMIGOD! This is it! How exciting!

My folks will be up here for the retrieval and I am very glad for that. Since it is general anaesthesia, you have to have someone else accompany you, etc., which is kind of hard for newly-moved single gals. :) Loving it. I'll keep you updated on the follicle development ... first u/s on Wednesday, HSG on Thursday. Ah ....

Still waiting ...

2008-11-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

No idea what happened. There is no cyst, my progesterone level is 25 (mid-cycle) and I have a lot of little follicles growing. I've been spotting minimally. It's just a waiting game to see what happens. This is just not cool. Come on already!

Just waiting

2008-10-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

Not much is going on with me fertility-wise. I think Clomid gave me a cyst like the last time I used it since AF has not arrived (10 days after stopping Prometrium). So, it is a waiting game ... ho hum ... this cycle is going to be a killer when all is said and done, when you consider the Prometrium (i.e, lush lining), the delay (i.e., the lining is continuing to grow), and being on a daily aspirin (i.e., blood thinner). So, I have to wait until Monday and contact the fertility center and they will bring it on with Provera, a medication my Mom used to use in menopause. Fun.

My Meds Have Arrived!

2008-10-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

It was a happy Thursday last week, when my injectable meds arrived via Federal Express. I was painting my bathroom when the delivery arrived. I unpacked it ... my oh my! How wonderful! I had all sorts of things in there, including EVERYTHING you could possibly need for the injections, like alcohol swabs, extra needles, the Follistim pen, you name it. There was even a prescription antibiotic in there ... not sure quite what that one is for, but hey, I'll take it. And for this grand amount of drugs, I paid $80. Wow. Compare that to the $3000 bill without insurance.

So, here I sit awaiting AF so that I can go to the fertility center and get trained on how/what to do. It's a good thing, you know. I'm feeling positive about this next phase.

Surprises and Prometrium

2008-10-12T11:51:00.000-07:00

I went to the fertility clinic last Monday for an ultrasound, bloods, and my HSG. Well, the bloods went fine. And the ultrasound showed ... shoot! Just one stinking follicle. (The purpose of Clomid was to produce more than 1 follicle.) Well, that follicle was a 20 and the nurse practitioner decided to trigger me for insemination the next day.

No HSG. Instead, I have to wait a month for that little bit of fun. I hate it when they change tracks on me like that. So I triggered that night and had my IUI the next day (12 hours later). I am just still confused about an IUI at 12 hours, since I have heard and read all alond the trigger takes 36-40 hours to work and frozen sperm lasts 12-24 hours. So if the egg comes out at 36 hours, the last dying sperm have no time to work their way in to the center of the egg. Maybe I'm just a worrywart. Who knows. But it was still a surprise to trigger and insem so quickly.

Well, I am now taking Prometrium for 11 days after the IUI. I had my IUI on Tuesday and started the pills on Thursday. Let's just say they aren't exactly fun. I am awake at all hours, I seep goop (they are taken vaginally) and I get too hot as I sleep. On the plus side, though, they may just be the thing I need to make a pregnancy stick.

Hopefully. We'll see.

My First Clomid Cycle

2008-09-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Well, after all the disappointing Femara (letrozole) cycles I have had (8 IUIs, 1 chemical), I am embarking on my first Clomid cycle. I had an ultrasound yesterday and there are 5 possible follicles (darn, not many at all!) with a size from 8-10 mm. (great!), so I began my Clomid last night. Yeah!

As an aside, I also had my CD 3 bloods drawn. Well, to get 1 vial of blood, we had to do a total of 5 stick attempts. In between sticks 4 and 5, I went home to drink fluids and get warmed up. I also wanted to calm down. I'm not sure just what the first phlebotomist was doing but he caused such pain on the initial attempt, I started crying and that arm hurt all last night. It throbbed in the muscle even and is still tender today.

So, my HSG is scheduled for Tuesday at 12:30 with an ultrasound preceding the procedure. Maybe, just maybe all will be set for an Ovidrel injection Tuesday night for insemination on Thursday? Dare we hope?

My swimmers will be arriving at the fertility clinic Wednesday. I have gone with a new donor, a guy with blue-green eyes. I selected him because I have a blue eye and a blue-green eye, although I was born with blue eyes (they have changed color over the years). My eyes are so light now, gray is the best descriptor, until I wear something brilliant to dark green, in which case the blue-green eye matches the color of the shirt and my blue eye just looks normal. So I avoid that color, just so that I don't have people stopping, staring, and saying "Did you know your eyes are 2 different colors?" Like I could miss it ... So, anyways, in selecting this donor, it was the usual points I look at - height, weight, IQ, type of hair (no curls for me), and familial health history. It looks like they have a propensity for lung cancer, but the folks who died of it were lifelong smokers. So I will have ammunition with my child to avoid smoking by saying it is a hereditary weakness. My own parents smoked for over 40 years and neither has yet had a cancer scare (God willing there is none in the future). And with just 1 instance of cancer (prostate) in 100+ maternal and paternal family members back to my grandparent's generation, it looks like we don't have much of a cancer gene. So, that said, while the cancer was a concern in the new donor, it did not weigh too much. He's clean otherwise, no thyroid issues, no Alzheimer's. So ... who knows?

Anyways, those are all the updates. On other fronts, I finally have electric service in my bedroom (yes!), have updated the service in the house from 70 amps to 200 (just today!), and will have a new 1/2 bathroom within the month. Mega nice. And the economy is tanking ... so, I am just delighted my mortgage came from my folks and that the rate is fixed and not adjustable. Other than that, same old same old. Have a happy day!

Updates

2008-09-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have been most remiss. I have not updated until now for 2 reasons. First, I have been incredibly busy with the move. Next, there has really been nothing to update.

Now, though, there is a mite bit of news. I have an appointment at the REs next Friday. That is great news! It is a few days prior to CD 3, which will allow me to have some testing done and .... cross your fingers .... maybe try again this cycle. We'll see. I just have to wait for big expenditures until after October 2nd, which is when my insurance plan takes effect.

I moved from NC to NY this past month and am gripped in all the oddness that renovating brings. Well, maybe I should say, trying to renovate. These tradesmen in NY simply don't seem to want to work! The new job is FANTASTIC. And I am adjusting well.

So, all that said, sorry for the wee post. It's been a slow fertility month!

The Storm Clouds Have Lifted

2008-08-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well, contrary to my expectations, I did not close on my house on Thursday like I was supposed to do. Instead, I have some frustrating dealings in which I finally realized that the seller was lying, his attorney was lying, or his listing agent was lying. Whichever the case, I got the royal shaft. My house will close Monday by POA. I am here in NC waiting for follicles to develop and my hormone levels to rise for my insemination on Tuesday. My parents (what awesome folks they are!) have gone to NY to handle things for the closing. My dad and brother will tear out the carpet and tackstrips and demolish a closet, all for the floor refinishing man, who rearranged his schedule to get me on Tuesday. Phew.

I got rather stubborn about things. I have $1000 in sperm waiting, for this final insemination at this RE's office. When I finally move, that's it ... I ordered the sperm at the last possible moment on Tuesday, once I knew the closing would occur on Thursday .... Thursday left enough time to get up there, close, and rip everything out. Of course, I must have counted my chicks before they hatched ... I did not close on schedule. So once it all went kerfluey, I crunched dates, travel times, CDs, and anything else which mattered and was basically up a creek with no paddle. My dad volunteered and I took him up on it, a 2 day trip for him and Mom, just for me to be able to stay here to get my swimmers. You never know, this could be the time.

Of course, I would love that. However, reality is staring me in the face. I really don't have a Fertile Myrtle reputation. I am harking on my 40th birthday (fertility drops so low) that I can hope and pray all I like and it has little chance of actually working.

So, all that said ... I'm off to pack!

It Is Pouring!

2008-08-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I have a handle on my emotions right now. I have been in negotiation for purchasing a house up where I will be working. I have a contract, I have arranged EVERYTHING and am ready to close this Thursday. Unfortunately, someone along the way dropped the ball. There is another owner to the house, another owner who was unknown until the title search. My contract is technically null and void. If the other owner wants to, I can whistle in the wind and not have the house ...

I have a floorman coming to sand and refinish the floors on Monday. I have the electrocity being read and placed in my name as of Thursday. I have the water being read as of Thursday. I have the hazard insurance waiting on a firm closing date and that policy will be purchased. I have myself and my parents waiting on tenterhooks for "the word" that all is good, that we can get on the road for the 10 hour trip for the closing. And nothing ...

No word.

Frustrating. I know it must seem to everyone who speaks with me that I am a willy-nilly person who can't make up her mind on things. Everyone in the know with this house purchase understands I have been the one waiting for everyone else to catch up ... waiting to hear from the lawyer, waiting to hear from the electrician, waiting to hear from the realtor. Ugh. Not a good situation. And now waiting to hear from the previously unknown owner. What a catastrophe.

I am sure at the heart of all this is a family fued. How, after all, can you forget or not realize that there is another owner to the property. The lady died, so it stands to reason that the property would go to her 2 sons. Well, per the seller's realtor, it just went to him ... and now we hear there is another owner? Hmmm ... makes me think there is a reason the guy "forgot" about the other owner.

So, as you can see with me, when it rains it pours. I will be on CD11 on Saturday and just spoke to the RE's nurse about maybe needing to move the ultrasound and bloodwork from then until Sunday, since I may well be up in NY (if the guy can be found). She said not a problem. My swimmers will be here on Thursday and can wait for me. I'll let her know the status of things when I find them out.

I'm going to go out now for a big, juicy steak dinner. My mom suggested I make my own, but since I have no plates (they are all packed and READY TO GO - UGH!) then I'll head to my favorite restaurant for a last meal.

Pouring ... my, it is pouring.

Onward Plans

2008-07-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

Since I am moving to another state and another insurance company, I have started the research for the new RE. What I did was compare CNY (Syracuse) and Cornell (NYC) in terms of IVF success rates, travel distance, and insurance ease. Well, while CNY only has 19% live birth rare compared to Cornell's 31%, they are markedly closer to my home. I checked into the monitoring of the IVF cycle, since IVF means high dose injectables and increased rish of OHSS. CNY can do my monitoring in my new city but Cornell only has an off-site location as far north as Mount Kisco ... not cool. So, while 19% is markedly lower, the time and energy saved in distance for the consults, procedures, and monitoring is substantial. I am therefore going with CNY.

I spoke with them, got my initial consulation appointment, and am working on having my records sent, etc. Fun! According to the nurse, my new insurance plan is FANTASTIC for infertility, which is a thrill compared to the lousy (read - nonexistent) coverage of Blue Cross Blue Shield.

So, health aside (since it is now taken care of), I am packing my house. Although I have many boxes in the garage, it looks like I haven't done anything in here so far. Not good. I am thinking of having a tag sale next weekend to get rid of some furniture and knick-nacks. We'll see. My brother and his family are coming up and I would rather spend quality time with them than have a sale. :)

The latest

2008-07-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

I found out last Tuesday that lo and behold, I ovulated 2 days early on my own with all my swimmers at the Atlanta airport, not due to arrive until Wednesday after 5:00. Not cool. However, I rebounded quickly. My folks and I took off for New York to find me a new home.

I'd been having trouble finding a rental situation for myself and four cats. It's not that I was the problem. Folks just have a problem with the number "four." Don't know why. It's not like thy are out of control, they're just my little lovebugs. Anyways, my folks decided to provide me a bridge loan so I could buy and we met with the realtor. The upshot of 4 days was a bid accepted on Sunday. The house is cute, needs some major work in the kitchen, and will be perfect for me and my growing family (maybe). The cats will adore it since there are 3 levels (basement, 1st floor, 2nd floor), a screened in porch (the better to watch the birds) and a fully landscaped yard. I have a water feature which at present is dry; however, give me some thinset mortar patch, blue paint, goldfish, and a pump, and we will have a wonderful fishing perch for my cats. I also plan to set up bird feeders and bird houses, the better to entertain my furry friends.

So, all that said, it looks like I should be moving in a few weeks. Yikes. Much to do and so little time!

So I plan to take Femara again this month and see what happens. Just maybe I can plan my life to be somewhere positive on the day I ovulate. Or not. We'll see. Have a happy one!

Updates

2008-07-08T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have returned from my Alaska trip. I got my 6th IUI Monday, June 16 and flew out Tuesday for our 49th state. The trip was superb, memories for a lifetime, and I relaxed and enjoyed myself. Unfortunately, that IUI did not take. I thought all along that we missed the timing - I felt the ovulation seepiness the day after the IUI. So ... I thought for while we were moving on to injectables. However, my health insurance covers none of the costs. So ... 7th month with Femara.

I passed my defense but have boucoups (pronounced BO-KU) revisions. I'm working on it. And there isn't much more to tell. I need to find a place to live, I need to pack and move, I need to get this house ready for the market. Enough said?

Have a great day!

The things you think about

2008-06-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

You would be surprised the things you think about as you plan to have a child as a single woman. First, last night when my folks and I were talking about me buying a house in my new community, I said I wanted a small yard. My mom countered with "Well, large enough for a garden, and then some more." No, I really want a postage-stamp size yard, since with a child, I will have no time to tend a garden. I'm thinking room for a play set (i.e., wooden structure with swings, rope ladder, etc.), a sandbox, patio or deck for a patio set and grill, 2 raised vegetable beds, a small section for perennials like 4 rose bushes, bearded irises, a hydrangea bush, some coreopsis and purple coneflower. Maybe a couple daisies and some daylilies. That's it. I'll want a fenced-in yard so my child and cats can be dog free (or we can get our own dog and he/she be dog-free). I'd like as little grass as possible. Here I have 4 or 5 gardens, a lot of grass, many bushes, just a lot of outside work. I just cleaned my gutters for the 2nd time this spring. A house that required much less care would be great. Next, I need at least 4 bedrooms or 3 bedrooms and a basement. I need a garage. I'd like a 2 story house with a sunroom, so my child can play in the sunshine during the long winter. I'd like a lousy kitchen, since I would want to redo a kitchen when this house sells. For instance, I get the extra-long cabinets. Less space is wasted when you do that. What is the likelihood I will find a kitchen as I want it? Therefore, a kitchen that needs to be redone is perfect ... then I can get the cabinet space I require with the cabinets I want, and design it the way I want it ... We also need to be realistic about me. I am a pack-rat. Right now, my little 2 bedroom house is packed solid. I have a room downstairs dedicated to my children's books (my profession, remember?), another room for my exercise equipment (if I can ever gain weight, I can use it all again), a bedroom up here as my office, and the other rooms are lived in. So, more bedrooms (even if they are small) would be delicious. I'd like 2 bathrooms, or at least a bath and a half. We'll see ... that is a want, not a need.

As long as I'm talking needs, I've been thinking about transportation. I have a 2 door Mini and a 2 door Acura, neither of which is agreeable to baby seats and the way you have to move to get the kid into a rear-facing seat. So I will need to change one of the vehicles at some point. I've been lusting after the Mini Clubman, have fallen for the Ford Escape Hybrid, and am entranced by the Scion XD and a Dodge (the name escapes me) hatchback. I'm basically looking for a good MPG hatchback vehicle that can fit up to three people (or baby seats) in the back. After all, if I am trying for 2 pregnancies, and I am taking fertility drugs, twins are a possibility on the 2nd (as well as the first) so having room for 3 car seats at one time is a better financial decision. I also want room for children's friends, so ... We'll see on the car issue. I am looking forward to car changes in the next model year, since the gas crisis is so glaring. Perhaps more hybrids will come out or maybe they'll tweak some of these engines a bit more? If the Clubman did not require premium, I would be all over it. I wonder if any of these could tow a utility trailer? I'm sure the Escape could ... I wonder about the Clubman?

Another concern as I plan has been stockings. I know, trivial concern, but my Christmas stocking all my life has been an angel. My mom decided long ago that each family gets stockings of the same theme as the spouse or parent. Thus, one brother's entire family has Santa stockings and another brother's family all have snowman stocking. So my family will be angels. If you haven't been out angel stocking shopping (I'm sure it has been on everyone's mind), I can assure you there are few angel stockings and almost none which are boys. Yes, there are boy angels. Anyone ever heard of Michael? So, I need gender-neutral angel stockings and have purchased 2 good needlepoint stockings ... they will be perfect for children. So, that's another plan I've acted on (still have to sew them, but I do have plenty of time).

So, like I said, it is amazing the thoughts one thinks as one TTCs. It's like potential parenthood changes your entire outlook on life. I'm actually glad for it. I lived so long just living, I never really thought much about the future. Now that I am TTCing, everything seems to matter. Good. I'm ready. Maybe things'll happen soon?

Trigger shots and early ovulation

2008-06-14T18:39:00.001-07:00

I went in today for my ultrasound and the nurse found small follicles, an 18, a 15, and some others. Since I am due to get on a boat for Alaska on Tuesday, she is obliging me with triggering tonight at midnight for an IUI Monday at noon. I'm pretty sure they wanted the follicles to grow more (perhaps by a couple of extra days) but I want the insemination to occur before the cruise. They keep saying that less stress will be better for TTC chances ... well, you can't get any less stress than me on a vacation for 2 weeks. So ... IUI on Monday. Boat on Tuesday. Nice!

I also went out today and bought some shorts, not for Alaska. Even though I am back down to 104, I am bloated beyond belief each week and my shorts don't really fit. It was around December that I ordered all sorts of used Levi jeans off Ebay, so I'm thinking I've been bloated all along. I also remember buying 2 pairs of low-waited dress slacks in the winter since my suits trousers were pinching my waist. Methinks it's the hormones. Whatever the reason, I find I REALLY don't like anything to pull at my waist. So I am now poorer by $75 but richer by 5 pairs of shorts I can wear whatever hormone or shot I have taken lately ... such a wonderful concept to not have to try on clothes to see how tight they'll be that day!

Well, seeing as how I have two and a half hours until the shot, I should get some chores done. After all, I have a cruise to go on and have not yet packed. Hmmm....

I am now an official Ph.D.

2008-06-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

I passed my dissertation defense yesterday. Phew. A very long road, a very long dissertation, and a very broke me. It will be good to finally start earning a real income again.

Busy ...

2008-06-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

I am all too busy these days. In addition to teaching a class in summer school three nights a week, I am readying my house for moving, packing, and getting ready for a cruise. I received a cruise to Alaska for 2 weeks from my folks for my graduation present ... oh, yeah, and I must be the babysitter for my nephew while on the cruise. It shouldn't be bad. My defense is this Friday and I am kind of trembling in my shoes, not really sure what I should be doing to prepare. Here's hoping ... whatever occurs, I leave for the cruise on Monday.

I have my first ultrasound on follicle growth Saturday and will hopefully get the all clear to do the Ovidrel shot that night, for insemination Monday. Then, as I fly to Alaska and relax, let's let the magic and beauty of stress-free to help the process along, shall we?

No one can fathom some of the stress I have been under some of my months. This has not been a good time to be TTCing since everything is in flux. When I have gotten pregnant, it's always with mixed feelings, since the timing is not great but I am wanting the pregnancy, which makes the loss each time hard, kind of my way of blaming myself for not wanting it enough. However, cognitively I know that my own inner turmoil is not causing the miscarriages. Cognition and feelings are separate though. So, this time, I'll try not to feel one way or another.

I am getting better at it. Last month, I was angry at the doctor's office for not returning my call. I didn't even grieve the loss since I knew it was headed out the door anyway. On the other side, pessimism has reared its ugly head. Let's face it, I kill embryos really well. People tell me not to say kill. Well, what do you have when you have an embryo implant, start kicking out HCG like mad, then fizzle? Was it always the embryo's fault or could it have been me killing the poor little guys? At my age, advanced yes, but still fertile or so they say, it's just most likely I'm killing them. (Let me have the tests!!)

Well, I should get clicking. I have a long list of "To Do's" today. Have a great one!

And the Other Shoe Fell

2008-06-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

What can I say? I can make fertilization happen but my little embryos just can't stick the landing. This month I am trying the 5/5 Femara protocol on CD 2 and 3. Let's ee if this changes things up a little. It is, of course, without doctor permission. :) I found it on the SOFT Infertility website. Maybe we'll get more follicles? You never know ...

Well, the rabbit died again ...

2008-05-31T01:42:00.000-07:00

I got a barely-there positive on the home pregnancy test this morning. Good. My joy has been moderated by the fact that this is what happened last time, and it didn't make it. (I am awfully good at killing embryos.) I've called the office to go in for my first HCG test. I already know the number is around 18, since the HPT showed that barely-there line. But, on the plus side, if I get a, HCG level, and I still lose it, I have some proof for the recurrent pregnancy loss investigation. The doc just insists in 3 documented losses before he acknowledges there is a problem.

So, is this the point where I pray I don't get the 40% likelihood of a miscarriage? And cross my fingers? It's only CD 10, maybe it's just a very light pregnancy line? Yeah, that's what I told myself last time.

I'm not sure if I should be happy ... I'm just waiting for that other shoe to fall right now.

IUI Day

2008-05-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today was 5th IUI day. Let's hope all goes very well! The doctor did the IUI this time, a complete surprise. He was much smoother at it than the woman who has always done it in the past. In and out, almost like sex, but of course, without the O. :) So we have begun the 2 week wait. I'm just hoping my Happy Swimmers swim very well, bear down on those eggs, and get lucky.

As far as stress is concerned, all I really have on my plate is getting the dissertation finalized and turning it in, no sweat. Plus I am maid of honor in a wedding, teach a class, and have to start working on the house. No pressures.

Right! Have a happy one!

Helpful Warning

2008-05-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

When injecting Ovidrel, make sure you get the air out of the prepared needle. I was injecting myself last night when I noticed the air in the needle and had to hastily withdraw the needle from my skin to remedy the situation. Here's the kicker: the directions do not state to remove the air. Only injecting myself once a month (and having not done it for 2 months), it is not an instinctive step to take. I'm going to notify the manufacturer (I should think it is a lawsuit waiting to happen, but then that's me). Happy injections folks!

3 follicles

2008-05-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

Good morning! I went in for my Day 11 ultrasound (yay!) and I have 3 follicles. One is a 25, one is a 17, and one is a 15, so it is possible that all 3 will go when I surge (29, 21, 19 in 2 days). So, good-goody, it looks like I will be triggering tonight with Ovidrel and insemination will be Thursday. Yippee!

As an aside, the dissertation is due for the final review/read through tomorrow morning. My summer class starts tomorrow night and I will teach it, defend the dissertation, pack, and paint the house for the next month until I go to Alaska. So, all in all, a chock full month. Fun!

Anyways, stay tuned.

I'm BACK!!!

2008-05-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well, faithful few, I have returned. I met with the RE-wannabe (my doc) and he made me feel all better. First off, when I spoke with the more-experienced nurse (there are 2), she did not realize I had such a negative view of the other nurse's comments and had not realized how they could have come across. I was all prepared, for instance, for the doctor to tell me my eggs were all bad. That is not what was intended today, but that's what I thought was coming for almost 4 weeks. Well, I daresay SOMEONE is going to get a new one ripped today and it isn't me. :) A little bit of glee at what is going to be a learning experience for her. Just a thought -- use a little more care with all phone conversations since all they have to hang on are your words. Even though you intend something else, they may walk away with a different set of thoughts. And that will ultimately harm your bottom line -- customer satisfaction. It was entirely unnecessary for me to worry for 4 blasted weeks.

Next, the doctor explained that miscarriage risk is equal to my age. I am nigh unto 40 (4 months shy), so I have a 40% risk of any acknowledged pregnancy evolving into miscarriage. And that doesn't count those 2 months where I had symptoms and may have been pregnant but had no positive pregancy test (damned difference in HCG measurements!), so I am entirely normal. We do not yet have recurrent pregnancy loss.

Next, I likely am not seeing a problem with APA or ani-thyroid antibodies or natural killer cells, since those seem to happen in weeks 6-9 and I haven't gotten there yet. I was only in week 5. This miscarried embryo was therefore most likely (80%) chromosomally abnormal. And with my age, that's not surprising.

OK. I can live with that. He said, with some fuzzy math, that my likelihood of having a 2nd miscarriage with the next pregancy is 10%, but I still think it is 40% ... I know the odds are 10% that the 40% will occur. Whichever it may be, I just need to adjust my understandings to moderate excitement until we see a fetal heartbeat and then until we get past 12 weeks.

The doc said that I just caught the raw end of the deal but it does say some things. 1) I can get pregnant; 2) I have a normal cycle; 3) We got the timing right; 4) The current protocol (Femara) WORKS - don't mess with a good thing.

OK. Makes sense. Why oh why did I not demand to speak with my favorite nurse back at miscarriage time? Well, in reality, I did call her and leave her a message but I guess the less-experienced one just decided to call me instead. But now I know the code talk "I want to speak with Kathy about something." I can do that. I just wish I'd known that 4 weeks ago.

So, I'm kind of happy about all this. He gave me the name and address of a doctor colleague of his from medical school -- he's at Cornell in NYC, for August when I move. Cool -- I'll go there, since he said Cornell has the best rates around.

If I'm not pregnant by then. I'm crunching dates as we speak to see when I shall start again. Here's hoping ...

Doing Better

2008-04-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

Well, my mental health has returned. It's a sunny day, I'm bleeding like crazy, and I ate a full meal for the first time in 5 days. My body let me sleep more (although I'm not up to a full night yet) and my cats only awoke me at 6:30. It's progress.

I brought the Mini out of the garage and drove her to lunch. It was a great feeling to press on the accelerator and have the car JUMP. Really nice.

I got a call from the nurse, she said the doctor can talk with me on May 2nd, SO long from now. In other words, no immunological testing until then, so perhaps another cycle wasted. So I also called the local infertility clinic at the teaching hospital and asked for an appointment to see an RE about my case. May 8th. Yuck. It looks like no one is willing to work with me concerning my issues.

Long story short, very frustrated, but nothing I can really do. I've thought of going to an IVF clinic in NYC, establishing a relationship with them now in preparation for my move and then on the day that new insurance takes effect, beginning everything, but I have not made such a move. We'll see. I'm just frustrated by this. Annoying.

Well, must work on the dissertation now. Egad ... long-assed thing.

Sad

2008-04-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

The miscarriage has begun. It is painful, filled with clots, and will last for about 5 days, per the nurse. I spoke with her asking yesterday about "what's next" and shared that this is at least chemical pregnancy #2, do we do testing, and she is to get back to me "later" -- no telling on the definition of "later." I want to speak with the doc -- who knows?

I have also decided to see a counselor about my distrust of doctors ... I'm afraid my distrust is well-earned (multiple doctors and specialists missed a disease for 8 years) and it is infecting this relationship with the RE. I also need help coping with the stresses involved in pursuing TTC and in dealing with my single status (questions about why God hates me abound). So, that is next for the list.

Last night was especially hard. I was dealing with the whole miscarriage thing and my mother made some comments, so I ended up crying at her house for about 3 hours, all hormonal and such, but did manage to convey to her quite well that being a Choice Mom is not my first choice, that doing this is hard on me emotionally, that I miss not being a part of a couple, that I would adore being married, that having children is something I have wanted forever, etc. I'm crying now as I write this. Well, I think she saw. I think she understood why I ripped into her telling me my miscarriage wasn't as bad as my cousin's, because I don't think she thought about the fact that I am doing this solo ... I don't want her to compare my married cousin's miscarriage (with 2 children already when she had to deliver a dead 15 wk. old) to me. It's apples and cars. Two different types of situations, for which there were 2 scenarios, etc. In other words, don't belittle my pain. So, all that said, I think she understands now just how hard all of this is for me.

So, I think I should go. Still hanging on ... I hope all this gets easier.

Weepy

2008-04-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

It's just not fair. Why did God give me this love of family and children but never really brought a family-oriented man into my life? I always wanted to be married with children .. it was my dream. I know, I haven't even gotten quite close. I have a friend who was married, albeit in a poor marriage, cheated on her husband and then divorced him in order to be with the one she cheated with .. and now they're getting married. Another friend cheated on her husband and has now been cheated on and is upset. Where is all the fairness in all this? I have NEVER cheated, never. I believe in not mixing dirty laundry. Get out of a relationship before you cross that line. Well, me being a good person, why can't I find a man? Why can't God just decide I am a good person and he'll make that opportunity for me? Because here I am waiting for my miscarriage, when all I have ever really wanted in life are a husband and kids. I have neither. All I have are my family (brothers, parents, etc.), my cats, a few friends, and a career. Why can't I have what so many other people have found? It's just not right ...

A friend of mine once commented to a bunch of people that you hear about people like me, but you never meet them, well, she had found one. I never really understood the comment, but I think she was talking about my energy, kindness, and enthusiasm. It's the kindness which stands out ... I am nice to people, random people. In the halls at school, if someone looks out of place, I ask if I can help. It's just my way of being nice to others. I am kind to wait staff, kind to flight attendants, kind to people you see everywhere. Why is this piece of me simply not appreciated?

I'm sorry, I'm just so depressed about all this. I want a child. I have so much love to give. I want a man. I have so much love to give. Why can't I have either?

I'll go now. It's not the best day in the world. I am still waiting for the cramping, etc. and it doesn't seem to want to come. Pregnancy symptoms are still here.

Chemical Pregnancy

2008-04-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

One type of miscarriage is a chemical pregnancy, in which a positive urine or blood test has been identified but no heartbeat seen. I am going to have one today or tomorrow. My latest beta went down by 4 (22 down to an 18) which means my embryo is no longer feasible.

As the author of a pregnancy book wrote (and which I just read), this is the death of a child. While no one else not in these shoes can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant, I did not envision the embryo as such; instead, I saw it as a baby, wiggling and happy. To find out that this baby has now died means that I will grieve a bit. It is only natural. No one else can imagine such, since it was a much wished-for occasion, was celebrated by me happily (until the beta issues arose) and was something I have been working towards for so long.

Whenever a woman is told she is infertile, the successes are joyful, the losses are endless.

However, considering that, I'll give myself an appropriate amount of time to get over it, pack away any baby paraphernalia I got because I was so happy, and begin anew.

As was mentioned previously, my next adventure is injectables, to be in May. We'll see. I'll crunch the dates and see if that is best.

Low Betas

2008-04-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

I had my 2nd beta yesterday and we are looking at the first beta of 14 and a beta yesterday (2 days later) of 22. There are 3 scenarios. Since I was not yet at 4 weeks (today is it), I could simply have a very young embryo which will grow aboundingly and come to fruition. However, the low beta is worrisome. I could have an embryo which is developmentally not right (and there are a whole lot of possibilities there), which will definintely miscarry or I could have an ectopic pregnancy, which could harm me if not removed.

I want answers. I am not a patient person, patient enought to wait until the RE nurse who CAN draw my blood returns from vacation next week. I know the one on duty this weekend can't draw the blood, but if this is a doomed pregnancy, I want it over with as soon as possible (meaning Tuesday). So because we need that 3rd beta draw as a marker before anyone makes a decision about the viability, I personally think I should have blood drawn through whatever means are necessary this weekend. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ... and I'm hoping she can understand my reasoning. I am simply not willing to wait and see ... I need information quickly so I don't become attached and hopeful about something which is doomed. An ectopic has no chance of survival and could hurt me (that's what it sounds like it is, personally).

So, kill the joy, enter very cautious deliberation, not even optimism. If this IS a viable embryo, and it does turn out to be a healthy child, remind me to wring his/her neck for the worry I endured, okay? I'm getting too old for drama like this!

The Sesame Seed

2008-04-02T23:53:00.001-07:00

I have been googling everything is sight about pregnancy at this stage (EARLY!) and have decided I have some symptoms. First, I have a sinus infection or such. Since this is a personal blog, but open for the casual viewer, I think I'll get graphic. Lucky you, huh? I awoke 2 days ago choking on a big wad of "gunk" that had slid backwards out of my nasal passage and down my throat. Since I'd had nary a sniffle prior, and really don't get colds, I thought hard about that wad.

That was my indication it was time to pee on a stick. Wee-hee! We get to urine test! (My friend had also mentioned, when she heard me sneeze twice the week before, that head stuffed-upness was a good sign -- and yes! Head stuffed-upness is a medical term for those doubters out there.) Enter the pale, barely there line. Ahah! Diagnosis!

My next set of symptoms is yet again graphic and I am glad I don't know you ... vaginal discharge, heaps of it. I really don't know why, and it surely isn't mentioned as a key sign, but I've never oozed like this before. If I didn't know better (and wear clean underwear) I might "sloosh" as I walked. As it is, I think I'm fairly quiet even though I'm oozing. Thank goodness for strong personal habits, right? [As my mother used to tell me, you never know when you might get in an accident and have to go to the hospital, so change your underwear everyday. It's a good rule to follow, but I can't say I've ever had an accident in which I had to go to the hospital. You never know, though, so I just change every day. Glad you knew, huh?]

Next I have very minimal breast tenderness. It's really not as bad as I got the 2 times I supposedly had PMS. It's kind of "you touch me there and I will brain you" when I am lying there in bed and the cats decide to play King of the Mountain, the Mountain being the small hill in front of my chin. The other times it was "Ouch! They ache so much I think I'll wear a bra to bed after I hit this cat over the head with a baseball bat."

There is fatigue. Yesterday I awoke after an 8 hour sleep. An hour spent returning emails and I decided, hmm, I really am sleepy, and it was back to bed for 3 more. 8+3, even a literacy person can do is 12 ... no, 11. Anyways (gotcha), I was a teensy bit tired.

And gas. Enough said? With the Ovidrel shot, you normally have an increase. I just haven't yet noticed a decrease. Frogs abound.

Now for the weird thing which may or may not be connected. I was driving home yesterday and got a little sick to my stomach. I doubt it's nausea, I just think it was a combination of hunger and carsickness, a rather frequent condition with me. If I start getting it on a frequent basis I will revise my idea. I also have pregnancy head. This condition is also called Bubble-Headed Bleach Blonde (from my years of dying the hair) and Absent-minded Professor Syndrome, for which I have been in active training for 4 years. So I am doubting I can lay all the haziness and forgetfulness at the pregnancy doorstep. I'll keep you posted on all that.

So that's it. That's all my symptoms.

All the symptoms aside, I read somewhere that my baby is the size of a sesame seed. I think the size reference is pretty cool. Imagine that a small bit like that could have those wonderful systemic influences on a 108 lb. woman. Well, 107.6, but we can round up, can't we? I'm just so proud of my little sesame seed ... he/she is a force to be reckoned with already, a mere 3 weeks, 6 days into life. Grow, little seed, grow. I can't wait to meet you! (Well, actually, I can ... don't be taking that statement as an invitation to depart now, okay?) Just burrow deep, wee one, in that lush uterine lining, suck all the blood you want, and grow. I'll wait. I'll even feed you whatever you want .. just no pickles and ice cream combinations, okay? I'm not sure I'm up for something like that.

All is Well

2008-04-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

We have a missed cycle. :) Yay! 1 day late. I figured it all out and I am now only 3 weeks, 5 days, not even 4 weeks yet. So maybe my beta isn't low, maybe it is simply very early in implantation. Positive thoughts, that's the ticket. :) Very tickled right now. EDD is December 12, a wonderful date. At least, that's the date until the doc tells me differently. Still no symptoms.

Have a wonderful one!

Mixed News

2008-04-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I got blood drawn from the phlebotomist (why can the nurse never get my vein?) and got back my beta - 14. It is VERY low. I'll go in to get another in 2 days' time and it should have doubled then. If it has not, I think I may lose it. If it has, I imagine I'll have to go in again on Saturday for another blood draw before I am deemed "in the clear."

So, yes, I have fertilization and implantation. We KNOW I can get pregnant now. But we may actually have evidence that we are now dealing with that infamous immune system. Gotta love it! My immune system has been yanking my chain since I turned 15. That's 24 years of my life spent responding to the whims of my antibodies. First Grave's Disease, then the lemon allergy, then Hashimoto's, then all my hives, the gray hair, the rashes from "stress" or allergens, ALL the drug allergies (can anyone say Whacko?) ... what more could a woman want?

Like I said, gotta love it. Well, I'll keep you posted. Have a great April Fool's Day, won't you?

YAY!!

2008-04-01T06:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I tested early and this morning, with my first urine of the day, I tested barely positive. It's OK, I've done the research online, so I know that the faint line still means I am, it's just an early pregnancy reading. So I called the nurse, and she JUST called back, wanting me to go in this morning for a blood test.

Holy cow! I am SO EXCITED! I am basically jumping out of my skin! WOW!

I called everybody I need to call (sisters-in-law, brothers, mother, father, 3 friends) and now all we do is sit in and wait for the official decree and the determination that it will stick.

I seriously need some heavenward prayers that my immune system behaves itself and does not kill the fetus/embryo/whatever its title may be. I have that natural immune system that kills anything at 10 paces and even attacks me on occasion (thyroid, allergies, hives, skin rashes, you name it, it attacks). Any takers? All it requires is warm fuzzy pleas to God on my behalf. Have a great day -- I know I will!

IUI #4 2WW

2008-03-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

No symptoms whatsoever, not even PMS. I am now 9 DPO and I should have tender breasts and alert nipples. Nadah. Therefore, I am going to assume that my egg did not fertilize and I will be having AF on Wednesday. Okay, I'm all set for injectables.

It's kind of depressing, all this. I mean, I prime the pump as much as can be done. I don't ingest caffeine during the 2WW, I try to relax (but you try relaxing while writing your dissertation), I eat right, I take all my vitamins and medicines on schedule ... and nothing happens. It's just a downer.

Well, I'll go now. No use hoping for a BFP this month. Nothing seems to be going right.

Insemination went fine ...

2008-03-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

Hi! Well, after I charged out from school at a mad run, rushing to my car to hit 80 on the highway to get to the RE on time ... I got inseminated fine. I was still ticked at my boss (diarrhea of the mouth in front of 92 students promising something he just did not get), but I was able to SMILE. Maybe, just maybe, a wee one will come of this time.

However, in case one does not, here are my latest jewels ...

We go to injectables next time. Oooohhhh! What fun! Basically hyperstimulating, triggering, and inseminating on a much quicker, much more deliverable basis.

Now, I know. No one in her right mind should get excited about injectables, right? It's just that I am getting a bit discouraged by the lack of the IUIs to take. And since I am getting over the needle phobia, why not do it in a big way?

It reminds me of high school and the ASVAB. Let me tell you a story ... The ASVAB is the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery, a series of tests designed to show the armed services what you would be good at if you worked for them. In high school, I was a rebellious child. (Echoes of sarcastic "Yeah, right!" are pounding away.) I was seriously considering joining the army or such for a few years to get the GI bill to go to college. So I took the ASVAB. And I knocked the socks off the sucker. (Who, me?) My lowest score was a measly 62 in mechanical, but I topped out at 99 (administrative), and 3 98s. Yeah, I was pumped. These were percentiles. I was basically better at mechanical junk than 61% of the other test-takers, most of whom were men and perhaps many of whom were mechanically inclined.

I got the call from the army recruiter who wanted to go over the report with me. So off I went to the recruiting station downtown (with my Mom's knowledge, God love her soul). I sat down and listened as the man extoled my virtues - or brains - telling me that out of everyone that entire month who had taken the test, I had scored the highest. (Of course.) He showed me all the jobs on the computer for which I was qualified to perform for the army. It was a long list! Yes! And there is paratrooper! I could jump out of airplanes! Then, he pushed another button and the list became markedly reduced.

He'd had to enter that I was female.

Back then, folks, women weren't allowed in combat positions. Still aren't in many cases. I was not permitted to have any job which required me to carry a handgun. (As an aside, this is the point where I tell you I am a crack shot, so good my own brothers forbid me from using the airgun because I was too deadly to the squirrels.) No gun? Why? And then I did what I always do ... I got mad. Are you telling me I can't be a paratrooper?

Man, I was ticked. So ticked I stormed out of that recruiting station and went home. I lit in to my mother about the unfairness of it all. It just wasn't right. Who were they to tell me I would be a great supply administrator? I wanted paratrooper and I was QUALIFIED to be one!

You see, I am a driven woman. I started out as one, only as a little girl. Swimming lessons, bullies, the bull, learning to read, I always pursued that which I wanted with a zest and eagerness that others could not imagine. There are no glass ceilings. I am a feminist raised by a feminist. While my brothers had restrictions, I had markedly few. And now the army was daring to tell me there was something I couldn't do? Of all the nerve.

So when that recruiter and the gentlemen from the other services called at my house, my mom was ready. No, I was not joining the (insert "navy"; "army"; "marines"; "air force"; "coast guard"). Until they let me jump out of airplanes, I was going to go to college. They could now leave ...

Well, I did go to college, as nauseum. It really is where I am at my best.

And the reason for this story? You see, I am terrified of heights. I knew it then. (It has a lot to do with falling off the roof when I was a child. Prickly roses, took hours to de-thorn my derriere.) And the solution was to address that fear. That's why I wanted paratrooper. I could conquer the fear. Well, bully for the army for doing that. It does have its good side, though. I look terrible in olive! And can you imagine me following orders? And I would have been correcting the grammar of sergeants ... good thing, huh?

SO ... like I was saying about the needle phobia (which is far more pervasive than the fear of heights), if I have to do injectables, it would be gone. Food for thought ....

Take care!

Updates

2008-03-19T12:34:00.000-07:00

Hi! OK, here are some updates:
1) I have 2 follicles in the left ovary, 1 is 22 mm. and the other is 27 mm. I also have a uterine lining of 10+, which means I am ripe for ovulation. (Whenever you're ready, let's go!)
2) I got an Ovidrel shot emergency-style at a drug store in town since my shot was not due to arrive for another 12 hours. I injected myself at 11:00 last night, planning for an insemination Thursday.
3) I cornered my RE nurse about the symptoms. And I FULLY get it now. Here's the lowdown - all those years when I had an hour of cramps, 1 day of flow, and no PMS symptoms, I was probably NOT sending out an egg. For sure, I was not making enough progesterone. Your cramps and flow are directly related to the thickness of your uterine lining. Therefore, with a short flow cycle and minimal cramps, I did not have a lining thick enough to enable me to get pregnant. Well, THAT explains my gynecologist's diagnosis of infertility when I was 30. He said at the time it was likely hormonal. Here the nurse is saying the same thing, using other words. Okay, hormonal imbalance has plagued me the past 25 years of life, so I understand. It's all related, right? So now that I am having PMS symptoms, bad cramps, and sheets falling out of me, I CAN get pregnant. I am now normal. (Wow, so that's what it feels like!) She is happy with the more pain I am in and the more days of bleeding I have. Remind me to give her a piece of coal for her stocking.
4) With a uterine lining of 10 already, when I am usually at 6 by this point, she is confident this will be THE one. :) Let's hope. If it's not, I may take a couple months off of the process so that it puts my due date at a better time (end of the semester as opposed to the beginning). We'll see.
5) IUI is tomorrow. This is my last sperm vial. Fingers are crossed ...

Dr. Roisen's show

2008-03-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

My goodness! I just finished watching a program with Dr. Roizen (from Oprah and Reader's Digest fame) on how to lose "waist" (aka, weight), which is a lifestyle change diet he is advocating on PBS. Here's why I am amazed -- the very things he advocates are the very things I do already. No wonder I am having trouble gaining weight!

I guess in all fairness I should also explain that I underwent (is that a word?) a lifestyle change with the high cholesterol diagnosis. He is advocating nothing more than what is in the Cholesterol for Dummies book. So the weight loss and the low weight right now both seem to make sense.

I did jump on the scales yesterday morning and found myself at a naked 110 pounds. My goal was 109 so it appears as if having dessert and drinking sweet tea have had their effects. Yay!!

Diabetic cat update

2008-03-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

My diabetic cat just got checked at the vet's office yesterday and he is fine. I got permission to inject him as he eats, which has made the likelihood of bent needles lower. He calms down so much when he eats, it is terrific. The injection this morning was perfect. No worries.

Further, my other elderly male cat has lost some weight. He is obese but is at 15.2 lbs., down from 17.0 lbs. at his latest weigh-in. He has been on prescription diet cat food now for about 6 weeks, making his weight loss 11% of his previous weight. Not bad for 6 weeks! I'm feeding him the amount of food for a cat at 10 pounds, which I think is a reasonable expectation. All 3 of the non-diabetic cats are on the prescription diet food.

The diabetic cat, is now at 13.2, which means he lost .7 pounds in 6 weeks. I'm hoping to stabilize his weight soon.

Three of my cats had Booger (no kidding on the name) as their father, mated to Sweet Mama, a calico. Booger was HUGE. He had long hair, a large frame, but was kind of on the skinny side, since he was a neighborhood stray. Sweet Mama was more compact, kind of like how my calico is built. So it makes sense why my cats tend towards fat - with a large frame and the propensity to put on weight ... now if only I could borrow their propensity! :) (Ever the rant of the one who CAN'T gain weight!)

I've decided on where I am going

2008-03-11T06:46:00.001-07:00

Well, the interviews have come to a close. I received a total of 3 offers (would have been more but I shut 3 schools down early when I realized they were not in the same field as my first offer). Two of the offers were from Research 1 schools. I can't believe that I garnered their attention since I am at a Research 1-wannabe school. The 3-3's, that I understand. We are a 3-3. And I've been successful in the 3-3 guise this year. Research 1's are 2-2. Wow, to have time to write!

At my last interview, a colleague who did not watch my presentation spoke to some other folks who did attend, then she spoke with me. She said they were floored by my research presentation. I don't know what to say. Folks, I am simply not that good. However, the evidence seems to show the contrary. But why?

Like I said, I did not attend a Research 1 school. Instead, I have been catapulted along a research path by a visionary chair, one who used to teach in a Research 1 school. He has been the demanding one, the one who insisted I keep learning and questioning. I adapted to the job stress, I worked on my professorial-skills, I worked on my teaching. For the past 3 years, I have been pulling a 3-3+ and have been able to do my research and writing. So the workload, while it is substantial, has shown me that I CAN do this.

So, I will be moving up north again this summer. I am looking forward to living in a city again. Imagine, a real grocery store in my city! Imagine, culture! Imagine, Italian restaurants run by real Italians! Imagine, taxis for the mornings your car won't start!

Can you tell I am excited?

No go

2008-03-11T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, that IUI was a no go. I am genuinely perplexed as to WHY I am having these weird things happen to me. You see, this time I had multiple symptoms of pregnancy (including the odd Montgomery's tubercles) but was not pregnant. I bled something awful. Sheets of blood, 1"x3" sheets, fell out as clots.

But nary a positive urine test. You see, if there had been any positive test, I could understand that I had been pregnant and experienced an early miscarriage. THAT I would understand. What I don't understand is why, all of a sudden, I am experiencing things I have never experienced before.

For instance, my usually light menstrual cycle of 1 day has now become heavy for 3 days. I have breast issues before my cycle begins (my breasts NEVER had issues before). I get hot -- huh? I'm the one freezing in 80 degrees. Basically it's like the doctor is saying these are PMS symptoms when I have never had symptoms before.

So I sit here, taking Femara, genuinely confused, and I am really going to talk with the RE nurse something fierce when I see her next week ... I need answers. I need to know why this is happening.

Waiting and wondering ...

2008-03-05T02:04:00.000-08:00

Well, some very weird body things are going on. I, the one who NEVER complains of heat, have now done so for 4 days. Sunday, it was all I could stand sitting in car on a 60 degree day in the sun with the windows open. Sunday night, I turned down the heat in my house (it was in the 30s outside) just because I was sweltering. I couldn't sleep well that night because I had too many covers on. Then on Monday, same things. Hot, hot, hot. Tuesday, all of the same with a body temperature of 98.0, when I am normally 96.8 (I'm just a low temp woman). This morning (Wednesday) 98.6 upon waking. Where, oh where, did my cold body go to? Where, also, did my catatonic sleep disappear to? I usually lay down and that's it ... gone until the alarm rings. Now I toss and turn all night, sweltering.

I'm also going to bed each night by 8:30, absolutely tired. Of course, I am very busy right now, so that could be normal.

And now let's talk breasts. Nipples erect, entire breasts sore, and sometimes swollen. Yesterday, cute white bumps extremely pronounced around the nipples. And I had some miniature spotting (pink dots, then later some brown in my CM). Strange, huh?

I just want to be able to test soon. If this is not pregnancy, I am coming down with something and it is a doozy of an illness, to be sure. Well, I'm gonna strip and go back to sleep ... maybe with no clothes on, my little heater of a body will let me sleep another hour?

10 DPO

2008-03-03T00:19:00.000-08:00

Well, the symptoms are here again. Erect nipples, breast sensitivity, and now the added highlight of motion sickness when riding in the backseat of my folks' new car. Mind you, I get carsick easily and it may simply be the car ... if a car is too well-sprung, I feel like I'm on a boat in the ocean, and there goes the attitude and feeling of general good health.

Only 5 more days until I can test, but I don't have any tests here and am really not looking forward to the negative on the pea stick, so I'm not sure I am planning to test. It's just that the negative test result is such a downer each month. We'll see ... like I said, the 2WW is interminable.

I am almost done with the job interviews and so far my first choice has remained so. :) It looks like I'll be living in New York afer all.

Random man

2008-02-26T14:07:00.000-08:00

My little brother cracked me up when I told him I was TTCing as an SMC. He said, "So, the dad will be some random man?" I replied, "David, have I EVER done anything random?

After all, here I am, a driven woman by anyone's standards, getting my Ph. D. after being at the top of my profession, having bought a home before either brother purchased real estate, generally a go-getter, and I am accused of randomness? Yeah, right!

I do anal research. I have the ability to change my life radically to achieve what I want. (Take the Ph. D. as one example and the cholesterol issue as a second one.) Even my impulses aren't anyone's definition of impulse. After my layoff from the bank, I went to graduate school within 3 weeks. No one seems to remember I had already applied, had discussed the issue with the admission counselor at the school, and had been deciding for weeks when I was all-of-a-sudden laid off in a planned company firing. Purchasing my neat toy of a car ... no impulse there. I knew exactly what I was getting, having spent hours researching the car from the manufacturer's website to Edmund's and Consumer Reports. Yes, my thinking was a bit whimsical (who else would buy a periwinkle convertible with go-cart responsiveness?) but it was not an impulsive thing.

So why would I veer suddenly from my careful attitude to take a chance on a random man? I have selected a sperm donor so that I know the future for my child. No child-rearing issues, no subtle or direct attacks in court, no one questioning my parenting choices. I am not subject to diseases from a one-night stand and I can control the IQ of the donor I select -- if he doesn't have an IQ close to mine, he's out. All of my final picks had great IQs, good skin (no fair skins in the choices), height but not weight (no fatties allowed), and decent familial health histories (no alcoholics within 2 generations and no cancer). I also selected ID Disclosure donors in case my child would want future health information and to at least have an inkling of his/her heritage.

Like I would go random? Hmph. Just because I don't know his name does not mean I would ever attempt random. Random is sex in the backseat of a car after you just met on a dancefloor. Random is hooking up at a party. Random is picking a guy because he's cute. Nah, random is not for me.

IUI #3

2008-02-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

I went in Saturday for IUI#3. This one was rather uneventful. First I got a blood draw (gotta love those) and then it was insemination time. She has to hold open my cervix with a clamp, but it did not hurt too much and I felt fine afterwards. The nurse said my sperm was wiggling all over the place, they were so happy. :) Since I was using a new donor, I was pleased to hear that. She never complimented the old sperm ... it was always "looks good" but never "super". Maybe "super" will do the trick?

I've almost finished the job interviews. I have 2 offers so far and expect a third, but am leaning toward the best one ... it is simply far superior to any I've had and I really enjoyed the visit. It was the one place where I was not asked to demonstrate my teaching, just my research, so I know they have the research focus I desire. I enjoyed the colleagues. They saw many connections between my work and theirs and were willing to add me to the junior faculty writing team, since I feel I need assistance with writing. There was a pregnant woman there, and another I met who had just given birth before she started, so they seem to be family friendly and accepting. It is a bit tougher of a schedule, in a way, since the classes are at night, but if I go with a nanny or home daycare person, it will work out fine. It's also only 4 hours from my brother, a connection I really appreciate since he will be the guardian for my child should I die. So, I am just waiting to hear from 2 possible contenders, the first school I adored (allows for maximum growth) and the new one which called to work themselves into my schedule (I'm not sure just what they are looking for).

Needle phobia cured

2008-02-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

I went in Wednesday for my ultrasound and saw a nice big single follicle. Upon analysis of the blood draw, the RE decided I should do the trigger shot (Ovidrel) Thursday night for Saturday morning insemination. The problem is that I would be 4 hours from my shot-giver, my dad. Well, the RE directed me to give the shot to myself, that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We practiced the hand motions in the office, and I resolved I could do it.

I did it. I iced it up first, played the video to remind myself of the steps, and succeeded. I go in tomorrow morning for the insemination ... phew!

Cat Update

2008-02-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

Corey is doing fine. I am doing fine giving Corey his morning shots. Dad took over for me while I was out of town (Wednesday and Thursday) and Corey is just a happy go lucky cat right now. I let him outside last night for the first time since his diagnosis ... he was so tickled to be able to cavort in the neighborhood. He came back about an hour later ... I guess Theo (his nemesis and the neighborhood bully) was not out roaming.

Zero Itching

2008-02-17T05:26:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it, I have no itching yet on this cycle. As directed, I took one Femara on CD1, 2 on CD2, 3 on CD3, and 4 on CD4. I'll go in for my first U/S scan this Wednesday (CD12) but I'm hoping this new protocol yields lots of follicles and a quicker ovulation. I ordered my Ovidrel - it's being delivered Tuesday. I'll be on a campus visit Monday through Tuesday (arriving home Wednesday morning), at home Wednesday, and leave Thursday morning for another interview through Friday, so ...

Let's hope we have good follicles. Let's hope the big O decides to wait until Saturday morning, and let's hope all goes well quickly (since I will be leaving Sunday afternoon for another campus visit).

On other news, I LOVED my first campus (as predicted) and am just hoping this decision process is not difficult.

Where will I be?

2008-02-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

I heard from a former professor last night that one of the schools I thought was NOT interested in me is very interested. Wow! I had my phone interview with them about 2 weeks ago and had not heard a word. If I stayed in state, it would be in a small town in western North Carolina. If I left, it would be in a larger school north of here, like NY or OH. Family support would be gone (as referred to as my parents and maternal-side relatives) but I would gain my brother's support (he lives in CT). Since he will be my child's guardian, it might be nice to live up there. However, no matter how I do it, I'll be hours away from anyone. The two sites in NY are at least 3 or 4 hours from my brother. The western NC job is 3 hours from my parents, where they live now, and they keep talking about moving back home, which is another 3 hours away. And then there's the job in SC that sounds promising but which I have not heard back on. Such a waiting game. I think Alabama is out, oh well. Great cost of living there, though.

Decisions, decisions. Well, that's another day. :)

Needle phobia almost cured

2008-02-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

With the close of a week of do-it-yourself insulin injections for Corey, I am curing my needle phobia. The cure is coming right on time. By beginning another cycle of TTC, and an impending Ovidrel shot for ovulation, maybe this time I can look at the needle before I get stuck. It's all just a matter of convincing myself it'll be all right, isn't it?

Good to say Corey (my cat) is doing well. He's much happier these days, although he does want to eat quite frequently. Has anything really changed?

2008-02-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, this tickles me. The google ads that are on my site today are for weight loss diet aids. NO ONE reading this blog would try my diet for losing weight, if they were in their right mind. I went sugar-free and trans- and saturated-fat-free, eating very lean foods for months and exercising three times a week to decrease my cholesterol.

I had to go to a nutritionist to fit back into my clothes again. I wore size 2P pants with a belt cinched around the waist like a paper bag at the worst of the weight loss. My skirts would literally fall off my body since one needs hips, or maybe a butt, on which to hang the waist of the skirt.

I decided that I needed to gain weight again, yes for good BMI as I try to conceive (TTC) but also because I can't afford an entire new wardrobe of suits in the meantime. As if I could find size 0P suits. I've had enough of that hell in my past (ages 14-21) and am not interested in going back. Besides, I want to keep my Cs (you know, the newly diagnosed C cups) for as long as possible. :) Have a happy one!

Looking on the bright side

2008-02-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

At least I know my eggs can fertilize. I talked with the RE's nurse today and she answered all my pesky little questions. First, the breast tenderness and nipple issues were all due to progesterone a fertilized egg put out. (Yay!) Next, the cessation of the sensation was the egg passing on through my body without implanting. (Rats!) She expected AF today, so she was a little concerned by just the spotting ... as was I. Where was my cycle?

Well, here it is. Nice solid cramps on the right side of the body at 11:00 at night. OK, so Day 1 of the cycle is tomorrow. What was lost is now found. It's the good side of getting my cycle.

Well, they have changed my Femara protocol and this should be a very interesting month. If you think I used to itch bad ...

I will take 1 pill on CD 1, 2 pills on CD 2, 3 pills on CD 3, and 4 pills on CD 4. (I used to take 2 pills a day on CD 3-7.) Then I will go in on CD 12 or 13 (whichever works with my travel schedule) for my first scan. They decided this route since I ovulated at a much later time (CD 19 with trigger) than she liked. Maybe we can get a nice uterine lining and good size follicles and a body wanting to O by CD 14 or so. Yay! She also OK'd me to take my itch meds through ovulation and that no, they won't hurt the follicles. Perhaps, therefore, my itch won't be a bother while I am in job interviews.

She was a little perturbed she did not know I get hives from Femara. (I told the other nurse I did back in November.) There may be an office blessing-out about writing down what the patient cites as issues with the drug. They like my response to the drug, if I didn't turn into a welt-mobile. I was offered Clomid but I said no, that itching is far preferable to cysts, waiting out cycles, and the hellish mental effects of that drug. She was surprised (I guess she hates to itch), but she has no idea that I like mental and emotional stability as opposed to that hormonal haze. Plus, I have YEARS of allergies, so with YEARS of itching, welts, phantom swellings, and other responses, hey, what's one more itch? Better the known devil than the unknown, in my opinion.

So now I'm going to go pop a couple of Tylenol (the cramps are headed down the right leg) and crawl into bed for the long winter's nap. Tomorrow I must acquire some Femara again.

Do I start worrying today that CD 14 is when I will be in Ohio with no swimmers on a job interview? Nah, let's worry about that tomorrow ... I feel like Scarlet. Oh, right, Scarlet had Rhett in her life and said "Fiddle Dee Dee" when she got upset. No cursing for the lady. Such a shame. Cursing can be such a relieving experience ...

Why a Choice Mom?

2008-02-08T05:05:00.001-08:00

I have loved the same man since I was 15. When we dated as teenagers, it was a very intense time. We clicked on level I haven't experienced since. And because he was placing pressure on me to have sex, something I was not ready for, I balked. We broke up and went our merry ways.

But I still loved him. Oh sure, I dated other guys. I even loved one, but I loved him like one loves a friend, even though we were dating. However, when the "one" looked me up when I was 19, he was still in my heart. We dated again. But we were both too young and the circumstances had changed. He moved to another state in the midst and being young folks we just couldn't seem to get it together enough to make the long distance relationship work. Plus, he was not motivated to continue. We broke up.

Enter my 25th year. He showed up at my door this time. There it was again, the pulling. Well, this time, we did have it together. He lived in PA, I lived in CT, and we made the long distance work. When I decided to leave my job and go back to graduate school to become a teacher, he was there urging me to make the move. (I chose the school 10 minutes from his house so I'm not sure if he wanted me to be a teacher or if he wanted his ladylove close by for some regular sex. I doubt he even knows.) We had some good times and some bad times ... the bad times were me wanting a commitment beyond dating. I was ready. I loved this man with all my heart but he just wouldn't go further. Much as I wanted him to declare his love in a more tangible manner, or even become romantic to show he cared but was working through his issues, he simply could not do it. We were solid for close to two years but got choppy (off an on) in the 3rd. I wanted commitment, he couldn't manage it. Yes, we were monogamous, but he was perfectly happy to lead his life independent of me. When I graduated, he didn't seem to want me around. There I was with no money, no job, no home (I lived in graduate student housing and you graduate, goodbye), so I moved home to my folks. Since my folks now lived in NC, it meant a very long distance to see him. I tried for a few times, but it was heart-wrenching. He didn't like to talk on the phone, he didn't like to drive to see me (even half way) and he decided to end it.

Enter the 4th time. I had been in a relationship with another man when he cheated on me, lied to me, etc., so it ended. I was a little bitter (especially since the man proclaimed to be a Christian and went to church religiously). So I decided "Why not?" I emailed the "one" and we corresponded a bit. He was moving to another state (FL) and would be passing through NC, would I like to have dinner? Sure. We went out to dinner, and you guessed it, clicked. Yet again. He said this time "I am ready for marriage and kids". He also said many other things about the previous times we'd dated, which is how I know now he wasn't ready for marriage and kids back then. Long story short, we dated. We had fun. I helped him find a house, move in, etc. Of course, when I wanted commitment, there was none to be found. When I wanted to talk future (as in, do I finish my doctorate here or do I transfer to Florida now?) he couldn't do it. I was 35, he was 36. He liked his jet setter life and I think he just wanted to try out the different ports of call, so to speak. I was in the process of a doctoral degree, working full time as a teacher, and had to carve out time for him -- he wanted me free when he was home to play and I couldn't manage it. Well, he dumped me. It was hard on me, very hard. It took me a lot of time to stop praying for hurricanes to hit Tampa (sorry, Tampa, for all those hurricanes that year). So I immersed myself in the doctoral program and just tried to make myself happy again.

I think I'm there. He doesn't stand a chance in my life since he was so cruel at the end. It was a side to him I'd seen with others, but never to me, and I do not allow myself to be treated that way. So he's gone. I've tried the internet dating thing, but goodness, there are some real winners out there. Then I was in a relationship with a wonderful guy that held promise (same want for a family, got along great) but there was no chemistry ... and I really don't know what he did for a living. :) He just never seemed to work, but I know he paid his bills. It was all kind of vague and I appreciate more tangible understanding. I ended it. It seemed kind of fruitless if I couldn't be attracted to him. So, as this long story draws to a close, I haven't really met a man yet who charges and excites me like the man I started dating at 15 did.

Then last year I went to lunch with a lesbian friend of mine. Since I was curious, and no topic is taboo to me (a trait friends get used to but still surprises them), I asked how she and her partner went about the process of getting their kids. She told the story of ADI, anonymous donor insemination. At the end were her fatal words, "You know, you could do it too. You don't have to be a lesbian." Thank you, Christina, for hitting the dumb cluck over the head with a tree trunk. Holy cow! I could be a mom!

So this occurred and then I was watching one of those Good Morning shows where they were talking about women's fertility dropping massively after 35. That was the spark that lit the fire. I was 38 at the time, entering my final year of the doctoral program, getting ready to do the dissertation. What better idea than to perk a kid for 9 months while I write the tome?

So I got started. I told my Mom, she freaked, but within a week was completely behind it. I told my Dad, and he was so sweet he made me cry. I told my big brother. He and his wife agreed to be my child's guardian should something happen to me. I told my little brother and he and his wife are tickled. I told friends, they are so behind me. And my mom told "The Family" (her siblings who all told their kids, my cousins) ... not a doubting word to my face, and just support and good wishes.

Yes, it is not ideal to be having a child solo. However, I want children. Waiting for Mr. Right to arrive is not going to get me the family I want since by the time he shows, I will have no fertility left. Yes, adoption is a possibility and something I have always wanted anyways. But with the pricetag so outrageous and China now closed to single women (I have a thing for Chinese adoption), it is just far more reasonable to perk my own. You see, I am a bit anal. I want a child whom I KNOW has not been exposed to drugs and alcohol and other ill effects while in the womb. I want the best for my child. Who better to be able to control that than me, the most anal individual one can find? So as I ruled out adoption (for now) and ruled in "well, let's just see if it's possible?" my decision was made.

I am now TTC. It is an emotionally- and pocketbook-draining process but I have high hopes. We'll see. I'll take all the prayers heavenward I can get ...

Playing the waiting game ...

2008-02-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

It's the end of the two week wait (2WW). I tested and it was negative. Yesterday, I spotted. So it was either premenstrual spotting or implantation bleeding (and because I just had implantation, no hcg, which the test measures, has been made yet in enough quantity to show). SO ... I know they call the 2WW all kids of names, but it is this time, between symptoms of either/or and no menstrual cycle which is a killer. I've had weird "symptoms", which could be or could not be, for a week now. Nipples on full alert at all times since last Friday (we're talking a week of gasping as I take off my pajama top), aching breasts, and now this spotting ... the problem is that since I took Ovidrel, hey, it COULD be that! However, I tested with the nipply sensation, since I wanted to see if the Ovidrel hcg was still in my system and I got a negative, so it looks like my body gets rid of hcg quickly. No false positives to be had.

All right, I dub this time period the three day Hades, or 3DH. I have to wait 3 days for enough hcg to build to test positive or I will have a full cycle.

The good news is that my cycles only last a day or two. :) I know, millions of women would hate me if they knew. My cycles are LIGHT, SHORT, and have only about 4 hours of cramps and very few PMS symptoms (just tiredness the day before). And then I guess it'll be onto the itchy Femara again. I was really getting excited because I hadn't scratched my scalp to pieces in over a week ... no random itches, no flaming hives, it was heaven. Of course, I did have hives a lot this week, but they were weird hives. I got a swollen lip Sunday (hey, I drank lemonade so I was kind of asking for it). Another swollen lip Monday. And another swollen lip Tuesday (each day the swelling was in a different place and it was not bad enough to warrant a Benadryl). Then a swollen top eyelid Thursday night. Last night, on the other eye, that triangle at the center against the nose swelled. I had no idea that part could swell up like a balloon like that. :) I'm thinking there may have been lemon juice on the shrimp I peeled and ate, so then when I rubbed my eye driving, up it went. So, like I said, no flaming hives, but a lot of weird hives.

And that tells me my body is on full alert for imposters. I reacted for months on the Femara, reacted strongly to the sperm this time (all those cramps and then feeling poorly afterwards), and then I swelled close to each day for a week. I'm just sitting here wondering if I am one of those women who have that autoimmune response too much for implantation. How does one find out? Grrrr.... my worries will be over (but a whole host of others will come) if only during this 3DH I get a positive. THEN, I will know.

Of course, I would still worry about a miscarriage. The autoimmune factor is huge with me. And by me having two autoimmune diseases (Grave's and Hashimoto's), allergies to drugs and lemons, and a full alert hive attack brought on by Femara, I'm at awful risk of miscarriage provided I can even get there and the embryo isn't killed upon implantation. Oh the worries ... darned 3DH. Well, I have enough to keep occupied over these 3 days. :)

Cholesterol and weight

2008-02-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

Back in May last year, my GP found that I had excessively high cholesterol - 330 total. I was stunned. Here I was 118 pounds (5'2"), ate decently but not fanatical, and I had bad cholesterol in the 200s? Wow. And my doc proceeded to come down hard on me. I must change my diet, I must exercise, and here's a prescription for a statin. Bring that level DOWN! Oh yeah, and by the way, your thyroid is a little low, here's a new dosage level for your levothyroxine (I have Hashimoto's now after I had Grave's in my late teens and early 20s).

OK, we can work with this. I went home and did research. Research, after all, is what I am very good at. When I focus, I can do almost anything. I read articles, I ordered books, I poured over Cholesterol for Dummies (excellent book, by the way). I cleaned out my cabinets per the directions and started to eat saturated- and trans-fat-free foods. My folks called me the Food Nazi, I was so determined.

I also upped the exercise ante. I rode my bicycle 3 days a week for 7.5 miles (up and down two monster hills in the foothills of NC). I also started with plant sterols in OJ, a fake butter, and caramels. I added fiber. Folks, if you are at all constipated, I can guarantee you are not getting enough fiber. I had a diagnosis for IBS/C for years when I finally charted my fiber intake this summer to discover I was not eating enough fiber previously. (I no longer "have" IBS/C since I am now so regular it's amazing - sarcasm intended.)

Well, six weeks later, after all these changes, I went in for a blood test to see how I was doing.

I was now 99 total. My doctor was stunned. He had never had that kind of reduction in cholesterol before from any of his patients, statin or not. I told him I was going to TTC, so could he take me off of the statin? Yes, he agreed to it. He said to keep it up and he needed a new blood test (the RE could do it) in 12 weeks.

Well, at 12 weeks, I took the blood test in to him. This blood was drawn with me cheating on my diet to gain weight to TTC and no exercise (exercise causes me to lose weight). It was a nice level of 199, 1 point below worry. He was so happy about this number. My doc still can't believe the change.

Of course, my mom has always wondered if maybe the initial blood result was wrong. That would mean someone in the medical profession did something wrong and we all know THAT is not possible, right? (Flashback to the days I had Grave's when they missed the diagnosis for EIGHT BLOOMING YEARS!)

OK, so now we get to the second part of the title - "and Weight". Eating healthy, exercising, and getting the right amount of thyroid hormone will cause a person to lose weight. It's a given. The problem is that to TTC, I had to be at a BMI of 20, which at my frame size and height was 109 pounds. Here's how my weight went - May 118, July 111, August 106, September 103, October 104, November 105, December, 104, January 105. Note I am still below the 109 I need. I am cheating regularly on the cholesterol diet just to gain weight, am not exercising, and still can't get up there. I have seen 2 nutritionists. The first, Laura, did a wonderful job, but with my work, eating 6 meals a day was simply not feasible. I saw Laura in August. She had many suggestions but a voice inside my head kept screaming, "That has too much fat!" I was headed straight for anorexia with that voice, so I put in a call for a different nutritionist. And this second person was wonderful. Mary said to stop listening to the voice (easy to say, it's not screaming in YOUR head) and to eat healthy but not obsessively. She said to cut back on breakfast, eat a couple Poptarts (has your nutritionist ever advised Poptarts?) and drink sugary drinks, not no-calorie. Oh yeah, and cut back on my salads. I just like salads is all. That advice from Mary has been the difference. I still have bad days (missing lunch or dinner) but overall I have success. I only need 4 pounds and I'll be good. The low weight hasn't stopped me from TTCing but it is not good in my book. I do want to be as healthy as I can be for my child to grow properly. So, I'll keep working at it.

My TTC trials so far

2008-02-03T13:10:00.000-08:00

Saying the word "trials" is just not realistic. I haven't had all that many. I met with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (heretoafter, RE) in August and discussed the process. Yes, I was 39, a troublesome age at which to get pregnant. However, he had hopes. I had my Day 3 blood draw and had an estradiol level of 6, which is "excellent." Then he scheduled me for the Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test for my next cycle and I took the 5 days' worth of clomid pills religiously. (Funny story about 1 day, which will have to come another time.) I passed that test well. It tells them that I have ovarian reserves sufficient for this task. Without passing either test, I would not be able to TTC. Well, all was set for the next cycle ... all I had to do was call them on Day 1 and we would begin.

Day 1 didn't come. Finally, on like Day 8 or 9 of expecting Day 1 (AF), they called me in for an ultrasound. A cyst. Yes, a nasty little Clomid cyst which was simply preventing my cycle from beginning. Nasty little bugger. I was feeling all sorts of angry thoughts at that water-filled cell in my ovary. Well, a cycle on birth control pills eradicated the cyst and I was ready to try again. In the meantime we did the Hysterosalpingram (HSG) test, which revealed I had nice clear tubes and no pesky little problems that they could see.

So on Day 1 of my next cycle, I called the office, all excited to begin trying. Bad news - the RE would be missing, with his entire staff, from the office when I would ovulate 2 weeks hence, so I could not do the cycle. GGGGrrrrr!!!! Back on BCPs (kind of ironic going on birth control pills to get pregnant) for 2 more weeks and another AF.

Finally, AF arrives and I called in. We did a Day 3 blood test (3 months had elasped since the -first one) and I started on Femara, which is a breast cancer treatment drug used off label by REs for ovulation induction. Basically, it holds back estrogen production so my aging body can produce more follicles and we can grow good, strong eggs. Femara is used in older infertile women instead of Clomid, since it does not have as many nasty side effects as Clomid (I have to tell THAT story sometime), does produce good eggs, and does not impede the growth of the uterine lining like Clomid. So I took Femara 5 days, CD 3-7. No problem. I showed up at the RE's office on Day 12 as instructed for my ultrasound and blood draw. Good blood, low progesterone (so my surge is nowhere near) and nice pretty follicles, but they are so small and my uterine lining needs time. So I was scheduled to come in on Day 13. U/S and bloodwork again, again nothing happening but a steady growth. Day 15, U/S. Larger follicles (2) and uterine lining was now an 8.1, but still doesn't look right. Day 16, did an ovulation preditor kit pee-on-a-stick, nope. Day 17, POAS, nope. Day 18, U/S and blood draw. U/S revealed the last remaining follicle was now of a perfect size, a 24, and the bloodwork said I was on the slow uphill progesterone climb of a surge. So, home I went to have my father inject me with HCG, in the form of an Ovidrel shot (I have a needle phobia, so there was no way I could do it to myself). Insemination in CD 19, did not take.

OK, ready to try my 2nd medicated IUI cycle. I spoke with the RE nurse about the timing. I was supposed to be out of town for CD 12-16, which was of some concern, since I am so regular (regularly) it's scary. She said not to worry -- last cycle I ovulated on CD 19 with help from the HCG shot, so it looked promising. So I flew to Texas for a conference and while walking in the airport, thought I was a mite-bit squishy. Nah, it must be my imagination, not a week early, surely. I ignored it and on CD 13 finally tested with the OPK. Yes, surge. Plain as day. A couple phone conversations later, I was cursing a blue streak. I simply had no options since my swimmers were in North Carolina and I HAD to be in Texas (I had a presentation, a major deal). And there was no way to get my swimmers there and get inseminated. Rats!

Counting out, I discovered that the timing looked like again I would ovulate while out of town over the Christmas holidays. So I called the REs office - anything to do to delay AF or perhaps hurry it up, to work around the out-of-town issue? No. (Even though there WERE options as I learned later, they did not offer any.) So do you know happened? Yes, Christmas Eve, I surged. Ggggrrrr!!!!

Now we're talking frustration. Out of 4 possible cycles, I'd only been able to try once. And that one time had not worked (duh!) so this next cycle, I was ready. No presentations were on the horizon, CD 1 came, I was all set. And the nurse said, "We're going to be out of the office when you ovulate." Pregnant silence from me. Then she said she was just joking. Look lady, NOT something to joke about!!

So, on CD 3 I started taking Femara once again. I should at this point tell you what Femara does to me. Since it is a breast cancer treatment drug, yes, my hair fell out. Not all of it, of course, but enough so that it was very embarassing and really had me worried. Then I had scalp lesions. Oh yes, they are fun. Little pus-filled bumps all within my scalp. All that came the 1st month. The second month the scalp lesions returned but we also added a new flavor to the side-effects - hives. Yes, folks, I have a very active immune system. And my body has decided it simply is not fond of Femara. So I called up my GP after suffering for 3 weeks with intense itching to ask for a prescription for Atarax, a hives wonder drug. He gave it to me but said it's not for pregnancy. My 3rd cycle, hives and scalp lesions again. This was getting old. This 4th cycle, since I knew pregnancy was a possibility, I did not take Atarax to help with the itching. I simply did not want to hurt/impede/misgrow the follicles. So I have been an itch factory since CD1. My breasts itched, my back itched, my legs itched, my hands itched, my scalp itched (and oozed, mind you), my neck itched, I think even my dreams itched.

But I persevered. (This is where we cue in the triumphant music.) Cycle Day 11, I went in for U/S and bloodwork. 7 follicles, of which 4 would grow to a good size, no ovulation in sight. CD 13, same 4 follicles were growing and bloodwork showed no surge. I was VERY worried about 4 follicles, since more follicles means more eggs and as a single mother, I simply could not handle quads or triplets. CD 14, POAS OPK. No surge. They wanted blood anyway, so I shot off for the clinic. Nothing. CD 15, U/S and bloodwork, we were down to 3 follicles and the surge was into the hinterlands (not there). I was relieved. 3 follicles meant much less likelihood of multiples. I had never realized how much triplets scared me until I saw 4 large follicles. But with 3, relief. So Dad gave me my Ovidrel that night at 9:30 and I was in on Saturday for my insemination on CD 19. Weird how we're working with a lot of unpredictability with my cycles - ovulations as such: CD 19, CD 14, Cd 14, CD 19. Weird. It could be an ABB pattern ( teacher humor).

This insemination HURT like the dickens. (The first one was pleasant, well, as pleasant at it can be with someone finagling with a speculum and injecting you with sperm.) She had to hold the cervix with a tool and it was not fun. Folks, we have nerve endings in there too! Anyway, I was so down I needed retail therapy to help me get over the feeling. So I bought 4 baby sleepers at an awesome sale at Belk's. They were, of course, in gender neutral colors. :)

But this cycle has been weird. While waiting, I've had weird things going on. I am absolutely convinced this one did not take (it hurt too much). But these weird things have me wondering. No telling.

Anyways, that's my story for now. I imagine in 7 days I will be reporting CD1 again and we will begin the itch routine with Femara again. Stay tuned!

The diabetic cat

2008-02-03T12:47:00.001-08:00

Two Octobers ago, my cat Corey went out for his morning jaunt before I had to leave for school. He was out for about an hour when I called him in. Off I went to school, and it was a VERY long day. When I got in at 8: p.m., he didn't meet me at the door. Corey ALWAYS meets me. When I finally found him, he was lethargic and had trouble walking straight.

I panicked because Corey doesn't act like that. I called my Mom and she came and got us, driving straight to the emergency vet clinic 30 minutes away. I was so worried about him. I got him there and they said he looked and acted fine. They brought him out to me and still said he acted and looked fine, but I knew better. They gave him subcutaneous fluids, an action that probably saved his life.

That night was very long. He threw up constantly. So the next morning I took Corey to the vet. With a blood draw, they knew something was up. He had pancreatitis from heavy metal poisoning. (Did I mention I live next to an auto body shop?) Corey was in the hospital for about 5 days and in recovery at home for about 2 weeks.

Why am I telling you this? Well, since Christmas, I have noticed Corey was getting thinner. It's been a year since he recovered from the poisoning but I was still worried. I took him into the vet to see if the weight loss was my imagination. It wasn't. Corey is now diabetic (could be the pancreatitis, could be weight, more likely it's both). He just spent 5 days in the hospital for glucose and insulin regulation, to the nice tune of $500. I now have to give him his insulin each morning by injection.

Well, it looks like you CAN cure needle phobias by having to inject your cat, folks. So far, all is good. Of course, we are on Day 2 of shot-giving.

Leaping Hurdles - Choice Mom TTC

Nathaniel's Later NICU Days

Nathaniel's Early NICU Days

The Story

Puppy Dog Tails

No Infection

My Latest Appointment

18 weeks along

Very long time, huh?

So I'm a Worrywart ........

Worried Yet Again

Heartbeat Seen

All seems to be well ...

Happy 5 weeks!

OHSS Day 2

Will I Never Learn?

3rd beta

Beta #2

Beta news

Beta #1: 8dp3dt

Hot Flash Alert!

6dp3dt

IVF #1 Update

10 follicles!

IUI #11 BFN

IUI #11

IVF Gone Bust

Beginning IVF cycle!

Still waiting ...

Just waiting

My Meds Have Arrived!

Surprises and Prometrium

My First Clomid Cycle

Updates

The Storm Clouds Have Lifted

It Is Pouring!

Onward Plans

The latest

Updates

The things you think about

Trigger shots and early ovulation

I am now an official Ph.D.

Busy ...

And the Other Shoe Fell

Well, the rabbit died again ...

IUI Day

Helpful Warning

3 follicles

I'm BACK!!!

Doing Better

Sad

Weepy

Chemical Pregnancy

Low Betas

The Sesame Seed

All is Well

Mixed News

YAY!!

IUI #4 2WW

Insemination went fine ...

Updates

Dr. Roisen's show

Diabetic cat update

I've decided on where I am going

No go

Waiting and wondering ...

10 DPO

Random man

IUI #3

Needle phobia cured

Cat Update

Zero Itching

Where will I be?

Needle phobia almost cured

Ads

Looking on the bright side

Why a Choice Mom?

Playing the waiting game ...

Cholesterol and weight

My TTC trials so far